Moving into the future

Over the past few days, I’ve pondered how much has changed over the last six months. I’ve gone from wondering how hard my actual transition would be, to just being able to be me and enjoy life. I no longer really worry about the future, rather I plan for it. I take so much more enjoyment in what I do, from time with friends, to time with my children, to time at work. Yes, I actually enjoy my time at work.And now I begin the process of planning for the next steps in my continuing transition.

I’ve past so many milestones, with many more ahead. So now I am planning for what many consider one of the biggest milestones on the road of transition. While, in the past, I have talked very little about this, it is something that is drawing closer and something that is increasingly important for me to put time and planning into. What I am referring to is surgery. Next week, I fly off to Pennsylvania for a consultation with Dr. Christine McGinn. I am looking forward to meeting her and scheduling my surgery, which I plan to schedule for June or July of next year.

It’s amazing to think that I am getting so close to that point, so close to completing my physical transition, so close to correcting everything that has felt so wrong about my body for so long. While I was always dysphoric about my body, it wasn’t until after transition that full force of my dysphoria hit me. Before I was able to cope with it, telling myself that it helped me fit in. Telling myself that as long as I had a male body people would not question my gender identity. There were, however, characteristics that made me fearful that people would know I was trans. My wrists, for example, were small. I always had to remove links or put mens watches tighter so that they would fit properly. But, still, I fit in. Once I transitioned, once I was living full time away from presenting male, the fact that my body did not match my mind and spirit hit me full force. The years of pent up frustration with my body came to the surface. The frustration that my body was still feminizing and that my genitalia did not match who I was became even more burdensome.

Now, I am closer to realizing that I no longer have to be frustrated with my body, that this time next year, my mind and my body will be aligned and that I can finally feel physically whole. Of course, things don’t end there. I am still re growing as a person. I am relearning how to live my life, relearning where I want my life to take me. Things are changing every day, every week, and every month. What seemed impossible, now seems so very possible, what seemed unthinkable is closer to reality. Life is changing rapidly, and I am so much better equipped to handle it than I once was.

I am moving forward. There is no going back. The ligh is before me, and the dark is behind. It amazes me that even with the times that I feel frustrated, I am so much more content and happy with my life. I feel so much more complete. I feel so much more hope. I know that I can now reach potential that I never before imagined possible. It’s odd, but it feels that dreams and hopes I once had as a child, dreams that I once put away, are coming true. My life is beginning to unfold how I once imagined it. It’s like there has been this shift, and I am eager to see where that shift will lead me.

Where does time go?

So I realized something this week. I realized it’s been almost four months since I last posted anything on my blog, and probably that long since I even visited the page. Kind of crazy. At one time, my blog was practically a daily thing for me, if I wasn’t writing I was checking in on it, etc. Now it’s one of those things that I keep forgetting to do.

    So, where have I been and what has been going on that last few months. Well, life continues at full speed. I managed to move from a trainee position to a full manager position with my own branch. What’s interesting about this, is I actually got a branch that I had worked at just prior to transition. I actually wanted this branch, one because they wanted me and two because it was one that needed help and I knew I could get things moving there.

The experience with my new branch has been beyond anything I could hope for. Everyone has been great. My employees have been fabulous, they have never once used the wrong name or gender pronouns. Truly amazing. Even the customers have been great. A few asked my assistant manager about me when I first started, but she kept it simple for them, reinforcing my name and gender pronoun and saying that she was really glad to have me there. As a result all the customers have really come to like and accept me. My assistant manager, who has been at the branch for some time even commented that the customers are starting to like me more that her.

With all of that, I guess you could say that much of my time and efforts have focused on my new role and new responsibilities at work. Life has definitely faded to “normal.” It’s kind of wierd in a way. It’s like I never had a male past. As each day, and week, and month goes by, I find any attachment to my previous life fade away. I find myself thinking entirely of myself at most every stage in life as I am now, like this is really how things should have been all along.

I’m still active with LGBT stuff here in Texas, keeping myself busy with Trangender Education Network of Texas, PFLAG, an LGBT employee group I started at work, and other organization. I do, however, find that there are many times when I prefer not to use the trans label, when I just want to be Kathryn. There are times when I would prefer to not identify as trans. It’s a wierd feeling. I’m no ashamed of who I am, but identifying as trans mean identifying as having once been male. While that is my reality, I find myself increasingly wanting to keep the focus on the present and the future not on the past. I just want people to see me as the woman I am today, and not as the man I used to be.

I’ve heard other trans people go through a similar process shortly after transition, and I, at one time, thought that I would never go through that. I didn’t think I would ever want to be “stealth.” For me though, stealth is not about moving away from everyone to a place where no one knows my history, but rather, not making my past an ever present part of my present. Not constantly having to be trans, and just being a woman. Yes there will always be people who know about my history, but it does not have to be a topic of conversation all the time.

It’s amazing how little it actually comes up. When I first transitioned, it was on my mind all the time, and, in some ways, I thought it was on other peoples minds as well. But time has shown that my coworkers treat me as the woman I am today, not as the many I once was. I am included in conversations I never would have been included in before, I get to just be one of the girls, and it’s refreshing. Finally I get to be part of conversations that I get, not boring ridiculous conversations that I hated and endured for so many years. Honestly, if I had to fake interest in football one more time I was going to scream.

So, what does this mean for where I am going and what I plan to do in the future. Well, there are some things in the works, though major plans I will not be publishing just yet. For now, I am really looking at my advocacy work, seeing where I want to spend my time. Yes I want to continue working for trans right, but not necessarily exclusively. This same work can be done with LGBT organizations, and I think we need to participate more in such organizations. Trans does not have to be exclusive, and the more we are involved with the LGB the more they will understand and support the T.

Medically, I am planning for surgery next year. Next week I am off to Pennsylvania for a consultation with Dr. McGinn. I am looking forward to meeting her, and hopefully scheduling surgery for next summer, likely June of July. I’ll keep you all updated on that as developments become available.

As for my blog, I won’t make any promises. It’s just not as important to me right now to be writing all the time. I don’t feel the draw that I did early in transition. I am a much different person now. Transition does change us, we are not the same person when we come out the other side. Right now, my blog is not an essential part of my life. That may change. I have not totally blog faded, but I have slowed considerably for now. Till next time, take care!

Where have I been?

To say I have not posted much recently would probably be an severe understatement. I was going along so great with my blog. I was posting on a regular basis, keeping things going, really feeling into it. Then, I went full time, work went super busy, and life just plain got in the way. It was like I no longer had anything significant to say anymore. I was too bust living life to stop and write about it. I also think I began to feel that sitting here writing about what I was doing and what was going through my mind was almost like an exercise in narcissism. I began writing a few posts, and, after rereading, lost interest in them.

They were just too mundane and boring. Boring to me at least. It’s not that I lost interest in writing, it’s just that I lost interest in writing about every little thing that I did. It became clear to me that I no longer cared to write about the details of my transition, my feelings in certain situations, or what the next steps are for me. I just plain lost interest in that.

So, I sit here tonight trying to figure out where I am going with this. Is this a worthwhile endeavor for me? I feel that it is, but what is it I want to say here. I have always felt that my most satisfying posts were those that focused on issues. My all time favorite being the post I wrote about medical benefits for trans people. That was a post and a topic that are still near and dear to my heart.

This was brought home even more by the fact that I have three friends who just underwent GRS, and used three different methods to finance their surgeries. One cashed out retirement funds, another took equity out of her home, and a third will be covered by insurance. What these three stories show is that we are finding any way that we can to pay for transition related expenses. How many of us have maxed out our credit cards for hormones, hair removal, or surgeries. How many still are struggling to figure out how to pay for all of this. The person who is covered by insurance likely would not have been able to get GRS if it were not for coverage recently added by her employer. In fact, she was a scheduled for an orchi when the benefits were announced. She was pretty much resigned to the fact that surgery was just a pipe dream.

So many of us are in that boat. We reach a point in transition where we just cannot afford any more. Where does this leave us? What of the broken dreams of fully aligning our bodies with our minds? The fight needs to continue. We need to continue to expand health coverage for transition related medical expenses. Of course it is a hard sell right now. Not only are we hurting in this economy, but so are many of the employers we work for.

So many times, trans health benefits are carried only by companies that self insure. What exactly does that mean? Well, it means that if an employee takes advantage of let’s say GRS, the surgery is not paid by the insurance company. Rather the employer pays for it through the insurance company. In other words, the insurance company acts merely as a middle man in the transaction, accepting the claims, evaluating them, ensuring they meet the guidelines, and then making payments.

Unfortunately, so many times that benefits are also not paid until after the procedure. What does this mean for us? Well, if we don’t have $20K to pay for surgery, we likely do not have $20K to pay up front and wait for reimbursement from the insurance company. There needs to be better benefits coordination when those benefits do exist. The whole purpose of medical transition benefits is to remove financial barriers to transition. In many instances, these benefits do not remove the barrier, but rather jut changes the barrier.

I would also say that the surgeons need to become more flexible when it comes to insurance coverage. There operate on a cash up front basis, and often are not willing to wait for an insurance company to pay after the surgery has been performed. Essentially, we are forced to pay for the goods before we receive them. And, what choice do we have? There are so few doctors that perform the surgery, so they set the rules. No cash up front, no GRS. In many ways, they help maintain the financial barriers to surgery.

There is a long way to go to fully remove the economic barriers to transition. Medical benefits for transition should be universal, plus there needs to be ENDA in place to help ensure we can keep our jobs so that we can have benefits to help pay for transition related medical expenses. There is a lot of work to be done in both of those areas.

Now, as for my blog, where is it going. I’m not sure right now. It may become more issue focused, exploring the many issues that we all face, with brief glimpses of what is actually going on in my life. I really don’t think it will be the diary/journal it was before. I have move past that in many ways. But, I will forge on, trying to keep this going.

OK, a few quick updates. Work is still going fabulously well. The fact that I am trans is a non-issue, almost never comes up, and nobody treat me any differently. I’m working my butt of in my manager training program so I can get my own branch next month, which is very exciting, and a hell of a lot of work. I am actually managing two branches this month, and doing it well. Oh yeah, speaking of surgery, I am scheduled for my GRS next July in Trinidad. Hoping insurance coverage at my company will be worked out more by then, I cannot exactly put up the money up front and wait for reimbursement, but we shall see. Other than that, I am just enjoying life, though I am really trying to figure out a few things, ad figure out more about who I am. I neglected myself for so long, that I need to get out and finally enjoy being me. It’s time to relax, let down my hair(now that I have hair to let down), and have some fun!

I’ll try and check back in more regularly, but no promises here!

Getting ready for SF Pride

Yeah, I admit it, I have not had much of a motivation to blog for a while. All of a sudden, life seems a lot more important that sitting in front of the computer and typing about what I am doing. There has been so much going on, and I have not really felt the need to write about what has been going on. Life is very normal, very exciting, and very busy.

This weekend I am taking a break from everything that is going on here in Austin, and I am heading to San Francisco for SF Pride. It’s going to be nice to go back to the city in which I grew up and finally take part in Pride. I fly in tomorrow morning, in plenty of time to attend TransMarch tomorrow afternoon. I will also be spending time with friends and family, including seeing some family that I have not seen since way before transition. Definitely looking forward to that. On Sunday I will be marching in the parade with my Mom and PFLAG, so looking forward to that. My original plan was to walk with the SFPD, since I worked there for some many years, but when I found out my Mom was going to be out with PFLAG, the choice was obvious. I will take the opportunity to meet up with the SFPD contingent and say hi to old friends.

Anyway, that is what I have on tap. Now, I need to get back to packing and everything else I need to do to prepare for my trip!

A Whole new way of thinking

The last three weeks have really been life changing, and have really made me stop to think of how I lived life before transition and how I want to live my life after transition. 

For so many years I hid a large part of who I was. I ran from things, from people, and, many times, from life in general. It was a very destructive pattern that I was caught up in. Physically it manifested itself in doing such self destructive things as smoking and medically dangerous things like high cholesterol. I was really headed down a very unhealthy path, one that, likely, would have left me ill at an early age and prevented me from really enjoying the later years in my life. Of course, I was not really enjoying the early part of my life either as I struggled with my gender identity.

Since coming out last year, so much has changed about how I life my life. Within weeks of coming out, I quit smoking for good, my cholesterol plummeted as I began eating better, and I looked forward to the future. I still did not know what it had in store for me, but, no matter what it did, I knew it could be no worse than the life I had lived before. 

Now, I have reached a point in my life that I never thought I would reach. I never imagined that I would be able to transition. And now I have. I am finally able to live the life I have always wanted to live, and to actually live the life that I have. In the process of examining the life the lies ahead for me, I realized how much I neglected myself for so many years. What I mean by this, is how little interest I took in things. I would express some interest, in say hobbies or music or other activities, and then I would abandon those “interests” in favor of pursuits that would not get e too involved with others. There were things I did and took an active interest to help those around me, but I found that often times those were being done to occupy time and space, and not out of a deeper joy and interest in those activities. 

So, where does that leave me? Well it really leaves me in a place of wanting to really find and pursue my passions. My primary passion is my children, but I also realize I need time for me, time to really become the woman that I have always been meant to be. I want to spend time doing things that don’t just take up time, but, rather, do things that truly enrich my life and my life experience. To find things I am passionate about and pursue them. 

It’s an amazing thing to find a new passion for life, to reach a point where I expect so much more of myself because I know now that I can do so much more. I no longer have to hold myself back, I can finally pursue my full potential. Just prior to and during the first few months of transition, I sought to continue in my career and this kind of stagnant same position kind of future. As I moved through transition and began seeing a brighter future, I decided that I deserved so much more. I then began to pursue career movement in an upward direction. As a result, my career has moved forward, and I got the promotion I sought out. This showed me how much better my future could be. 

Now I guess I am examining my past looking at those things that I took up and abandoned. Looking to see that I did because because I had a passion for it and what I was just kind of trying. I want to revisit those things I loved but left behind. When asked what I like to do, I want to be able to speak passionately about my hobbies and interests. Now that I am passionate about my life, and I want that new found passion to shine through. This is a whole new way of thinking. I now longer want to hide from life, I am ready to live it.

Sometimes life does get a little boring, or not

So, I have been wanting to write the last week, but realized I did not have much to say. Or at least I thought that I did not. My first week at work was a total success, especially since two days into I was notified that I would be promoted. As this week began, I started to realize just how “normal” life seemed to have become. Not that there are not issues to deal with, or that my being trans has totally faded into the background. 

The trans issues have faded though. In the past, so much of my awake time was dominated by ignoring, running from, or trying to cope with my gender dysphoria, I never realized how much of that time until the last couple of weeks. All of a sudden I am no longer preoccupied with my gender identity and my gender presentation. Getting dressed in the morning is no longer an ordeal. No longer do I have to don male business attire, only to run upstairs when I get home and take it off as quick as possible. I am me, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. I feel good about myself, and I can look at myself in the mirror. Ok maybe I do that too much sometimes, but then I actually finally like what I see so who can blame me! 

So, on Monday of this week, I moved to the branch where I am going to train for the next month. Really the only people who knew about me and my transition were the branch manager and the assistant manager, and they actually figured it out on their own. Ok, so I inadvertently freaked some people out when I took my two and half weeks off. You see, I turned in all my keys to my old branch. I wasn’t really working there, but I was still assigned there, so really I could have held on to them. As usual, I trusted my intuition, and figured I wouldn’t need them anymore, so I turned them in to the acting assistant manager. This apparently freaked some people out who had not idea what was going on with me. They hear I am on vacation for a few weeks, but that I turned in my keys. They wondered if I was even coming back. Add to that the fact that the branch where I am training should have been included in the communications, but do to an understandable oversight, they were left out of the loop. 

How then did they figure it out? Well, they saw that James was not at the branch anymore, but Kathryn was. Being smart, they put two and two together. So, only the management team at my current branch know that I transitioned, or at least openly know about my transition. It is interesting that the staff was not and has not been told. It’s not that I care if they know or not, I don’t feel the need to hide anything, and don’t really plan on being stealth. So, all of a sudden, I am essentially working in a setting where most of the people do not know about my gender status, or, if they do, are being respectful enough not to bring it up or make an issue out of it. 

The only person that has made an issue of anything was this “customer.” I put that in quotes because he is not a customer of the bank, but he used to come by my last branch every morning. I think he has nothing better to do than hang around grocery stores all day. So, he used to stop by my old branch all the time, would always ask about bank stock prices. As time went by and my hair got longer, her would ask me when I was getting a hair cut. Of course my hair got longer and longer as time went by. So, I saw him in the grocery store where my training branch is located. He was hanging around on Monday. On Tuesday I saw him again walking into the store. A little while later, he walked into the branch, and asked me,”What’s the deal?” I replied with an,”Excuse me?” He said it again and then asked if I used to work at such and such branch, AKA my old branch.. I said that I did. He then said ,”sorry about the hair.” I assumed this was his way of apologizing for teasing me about my hair before and I told him I never took it personally. He then walked away. It was a weird interaction. It was also unnecessary. He is one of those older guys who like to hear himself talk, and just had to say something when he saw me. My training manager was more upset about it than I was. I think she is hoping he will come back by so she can tell him off inform him that he is not welcome back. I love some of the people I work with, they are awesome!

Other than that there has not been much going on here. I’m busily training so that I can show I am capable of having my own branch. The weather has gotten hot. And I have been pondering a question that comes up from time to time on Trans-Ponder. For those of you who are not familiar with Trans-Ponder, it is a podcast hosted by Mila and Jayna. They cover all sorts of trans related topics. From time to time they have asked what happens after one goes full time, what happens to the need for support groups, what fills the gap that remains. For Mila and Jayna, I think the answer if obvious, activism. They are very involved in the community at all levels, from transgender media to activism. I really feel that is part of the answer for me as well. To be honest, I never really got involved with support groups, but got more involved with activism than anything else when I was going through transition. Outside of that, I realized that I spent a lot of time looking at trans related websites, searching for any information to help me navigate transition. Now, I don’t really need all that web surfing. Now I am left with figuring out the best and most productive use of the extra time and brain power. Of course, using some of that time to be totally unproductive would be nice now and again.

I think I will write more on this later. This is a good start, but this is the question of what does Kathryn do now? I am sure you noticed the title change, there is a reason for that, and I’ll explore that more next time. For now, I am going to go be completely unproductive by going to bed.

Just antagonizing the Bigot

Some guy named “Chet”, e-mail address of: serpy@gmail.com, if that is his real e-mail address posted some unkind comments to one of my posts. The first said, “I’m sorry but you need to see a mental health professional who believes in the bible. You may be having your little fantasy today (at the expense of your family) but in a few short years you will have to answer for your wierd decisions. And I know what all you other wierdos out there are going to say so you might as well save it.” He followed up with, “PS; I dare you to post it!!  Bet you won’t!!!” I just love it when they can’t even spell weird right! My thinking is that if he says,”in a few short years that I will have to answer,” that he is one of those end of days nuts, who probably thinks that the world will come to an end in 2012. Well, the joke will be on him while he is locked in a bunker committing suicide with his doomsday cult, and the rest of us are going about our lives actually living a Christian life of love and tolerance. Poor delusional soul. I hope some day he stops listening to the zealots and actually reads the bible. It is so unfortunate when people get their bible from bad sources. Oh yeah, and “Chet”, if that is even your real name and you are reading this, check out this site: Transfigurations. Guess what, there were people who did not adhere to gender norms in the Bible. That’s it, he did not think I would post his comments, so I thought I would.

Uneventful Awesome Day

Well, today was finally day one at work. A day I never thought would come. Today, I got to finally be me at work, and I must say it was totally uneventful and totally awesome. Contradictory terms one could say, but that is just the best way to describe it.

My day started off getting up early. I did not sleep all that much, partly because of nerves, and partly from the round of storms that rolled in through the evening. I got ready for work, the usually showing, and the welcome additions of makeup and actually doing something with my hair. Getting dressed took a bit longer than I anticipated as I changed outfits a couple of times trying to decide on the right look for day one. I originally planned on a pant suit and heels, but ended up nixing that for a pair of slacks, a blouse, and a nice pair of flats. I just wanted professional, but simple, something that said I am here and I am ready to get to work. I think that came across. Besides that, I was, as it turned out, already the tallest person at the branch, heels would have had me towering over everyone. 

 

 

After getting ready, I had a light breakfast, the butterflies in my stomach were not going to allow for a decent breakfast. I was really a lot more nervous than I anticipated being, but found ways to manage it and take my mind off of being nervous. On the way in to work, I stopped for a Starbucks, figured I might as well, after-all I had a five dollar gift card sitting on the counter. I might as well use it today!

As I got closer to the branch, I got more and more nervous, and had to work a bit harder at controlling the butterflies that were going full tilt in my abdomen. When I pulled in the lot, and saw my district manager car already there, I was able to relax a bit. Knowing he was already there put me at easy. From there, I went in, and things got pretty uneventful from there. I was introduced to the branch team, they had their Monday meeting, they were told that I was the acting manager while their manager was off, and that was that. My district manager and I chatted for a few minutes. He got me up to speed on what was going on this week, conference calls and a branch manager meeting. He told me what he knew of the branch and its staff, and then he was off to his regular rounds at other branches. 

With that, I was in charge and on my way to an uneventful day. Really only two other significant things happened. First off, even though my e-mail address was updated, there was a database issue that was not addressed, and I had no access to my e-mail. I had to call and get a ticket opened for that. This was not resolved until late in the day. Heck many of those e-mails had been sitting there for over two weeks, there was not reason they could not sit  there one day longer. 

The other wonderful thing was a flower delivery from Zoe. She had conspired with my mother to find out where I was going to be working this week, and to ensure flowers found their way to me that day. They were gorgeous, and I loved that she did that for me on my day one. 

 

I also had lunch today with my previous manager and the assistant manager from the first branch I worked at. They both commented about how happy I looked, and that they had never seen me look so happy. They were right, I was happy, I am happy. It was just so nice to be able to sit down with them and talk and just be me doing it. They apologized in advance if they messed up on name or pronoun stuff, and I told them I would never hold it against them. They had actually been planning this since they learned about my transition. They also relayed to me how surprised everyone was. The fact that no one had any idea. I did a pretty good job of keeping my transition under wraps. Not that I wanted to, but, as many of you know, it is kind of a necessity. They both thought they were in some kind of trouble when they got the confidential e-mail instructing them to be on a call with HR and the market manager. Little did they know what the real topic was, it never crossed their minds. They were also sweet to pledge their to take care of anyone who may not say the right things or who may have a problem with my transition. They stood up to defend me, yet again, so cool.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Oh yeah, there was the obligatory people dropping in out of their way to stop by and see me. Now the branch I am in right now is inside a grocery store, and we have a free standing branch on the far end of the parking lot. I started at that free standing branch when I first started with the bank. My old manager, assistant manager, and one of the bankers is still there. The first person to stop in was my old manager. He just happened to be in buying a few things at the supermarket, and a miserable super rainy, chance of hail storms and tornado kinds of morning. They didn’t need excuses to come see me, he could have just stopped by. The next person was the banker I used to work with. He also just happened to be in picking up a few groceries on his was back from lunch. I personally do all my grocery shopping in the middle of my work day, don’t you? It was nice that they stopped by, don’t get me wrong, I just had to laugh a bit about how they did it. Not unlike the typical parade of people by the cubicle that I heard goes on in a typical officer setting.

Well, Day one is a wrap. I am hoping for more uneventful awesome days to come. Wednesday I have a branch manager meeting. My last manager and I have already made arrangements to meet for bagels before hand, and sit together at the meeting. It’s nice to have people standing by and showing support. Oh yeah, another manager I worked with recently asked me to lunch later this week. So, I actually have a semi busy week, but I am sure it will be a good one. Thank you everyone for your words of support, and you friendship. For those not quite at your day one, I look forward to hearing about yours. For those whose day one is in the past, you too know the liberation of finally getting to be yourself.

Day one approaches

Over the last few days, I have really had an opportunity to begin reflecting on how I finally reached the point were I will be living my whole life as Kathryn. Tomorrow marks a major milestone in the journey. Tomorrow morning, at 8:30am, I go back to work after a nice vacation. No more suits and ties. Now, instead, it will be womens professional business attire, a much better was to go to work if you ask me. I would say that I am a little nervous, but mostly excited to finally be getting on with my life, and taking a step that I have been building towards over the last year, and have wanted for as long as I can remember.

The last year has been amazing. It’s hard to believe sometimes that I only came out for the first time a little over a year ago, February of last year to be exact, and now here I am living 24/7 as my authentic self and ready to go back to work. This journey has taken me so many places and allowed me to meet so many wonderful people. Some of those people inspired me to start blogging, and to dump Yahoo!360 an move my blog over to a real blogging platform, thank you Lori! There have also been ups and downs, but in so many ways life is so much sweeter today that it was before.

Yesterday was my birthday. Typically, I did not look forward to my birthdays. They were not really anything worth celebrating to me. Even those marked with some fan fare were just another reminder that time was passing me by. This year was so much different, I looked forward to this birthday, looked forward to the fact that for the first time in my life I would be celebrating my birthday as a woman, that I was no longer stuck in a male existence. I no longer had to dread to future, but could now look towards it with renewed hope and optimism for good things to come. So, I did enjoy my birthday, I didn’t do anything special, it was mellow and quiet but still so very good.

One thing I did do was go to the monthly CTTGS(Central Texas Transgender Society) Luncheon. I had not gone in some time, and this month actually marked one year since I first went to one of these luncheons. In a way it was one of those moments marking the fact that I had come full circle. Last April, I walked into the luncheon, recently having come out as trans, and I was nervous about what I would find there and how that would help steer me in the right direction as I began the process of figuring out where to really begin this journey. I went in totally presenting male. I hadn’t even begun to figure out how to dress and present female yet. In the end, I walked away feeling like I had really finally established a connection with the community. I had already connected with Karen and Tiana, but this was the next level of connection.

It was to go back for a moment to address something that I said in the last paragraph. I made  statement about not having begun to figure out how to dress and present female. This was something that came up in a board somewhere early in my transition. You see, “crossdressing” was never really a part of my life at all. I did it a bit in my early teen years when I really struggled with my gender identity as puberty was hitting me like a mac truck (unfortunately it was not one carrying Mac cosmetics!) Crossdressing then was a way of trying to figure out why I was identifying so strongly with being female. I truly felt comfortable in those moments, but my hope was also that somehow I would wake up in the morning and be a girl. That never happened. I think the fact that the clothing and a good nights sleep never transformed me took away some of the “power” of the clothing. But then, it was never about the clothing. I did not have this strong urge to dress in women’s clothing, I just knew I was a girl and not a boy. It was about being accepted and viewed by society and those around me as a girl.

As I progressed into adulthood, there was not a big draw towards crossdressing. The knowledge that I always identified more as a woman than I man persisted, but part of me knew that it could not be satiated simply by wearing women’s clothing. There was so much more to this struggle that was being waged inside my head. Eventually, I figured out that I was trans, or at least put a name to what I experience my whole life and found out that the best way to deal with it was transition, exactly what I had wanted to do my whole life but did now know was possible. I finally found out that there were others like me, but I was terrified to tell anyone, so I continued to try and live their life. At this point, I knew that one day I would transition, I did not know when or how, but I knew that the time would come when I would have the opportunity or it would become a necessity for survival. Crossdressing still was never part of that equation. So, when the time came to transition, that is when I learned to dress and present female.

So, back to our regularly scheduled blog. A year has passed. It’s amazing to think of what can happen in a year. Just over nine months ago I started HRT. I started therapy a year ago this month. I learned to dress, do makeup, and present female. I feel like I still have a lot to learn about presenting female and blending in a bit more, but I am very happy with my presentation over all. I still feel like I have a ways to go on voice stuff, but I am working on it. I am mostly just so ready to finally be me. I have cleaned out all the male clothing. In fact, my five year old daughter enthusiastically ensured that all male clothing was removed from drawers and closets. She is so ready for me to be full time, and so happy that I finally am. 

So, tomorrow morning, I will get up early. I will get ready for work just like any other day. The only difference will be that I will spend more time doing my hair, I will apply makeup, and I will put on clothes that match my gender identity. I will present on the outside how I feel on the inside. No longer will there be an incongruity. No longer will I feel like a woman in a suit. No longer will I have to struggle with a gender battle waging war  inside my head. I can live in peace, happy with who I am. I can concentrate on getting on with my life and finally really living it!

Rough start to vacation

I wrote this a couple of days ago, but just now got around to posting it:

Today’s start to our family vacation was not necessarily the best start. Due to severe weather in Houston, we had several delays, switched airlines, and faced even more delays. We eventually got out of Austin, but it took some time.

                We all got up early this morning, and got out of the house with some time to spare, though not much. This morning was also a foggy and wet one. When I took my first look out the window, fog blanketed the neighborhood, creating a beautiful if not eerie look to the trees and pond behind the house. Of course my daughters were more than excited. Today they were going to Disney World, and they were more than ready to get going.

                We managed to get everyone dressed and ready fairly quickly.  All the packing had been done the night before, so all we had to do was throw the toiletries in the bags, and put them in the car. Once at the airport, I could see that there was a line at Continental, our airline for this trip. I dropped off my spouse and girls at the curb, along with the luggage, and headed off to put the car into long term parking. While there had been some good rain on the way to the airport, it let up once I parked the car. This worked to my advantage, since I had just missed a shuttle, and I was able to park close enough to the terminal that it made more sense to walk than wait.

                Once I got to the terminal, I saw we were in for a wait. The line for continental check-in was the longest I had ever seen at Austin airport. I found the girls in line, and we waited for a while, until someone came by and suggested we try to sky caps at the curb. I ran outside to check it out, and there was not line there. We left our place in the mile long line, and were checked in just a few minutes at the curb, well worth the price of the tip.

                Once we got the terminal and found our gate, we waited only a short while before boarding> everything seemed to be moving along quite fine. Once everyone was seated, we heard the announcement that the door would be closing and we would be pushing back from the gate. Fifteen minutes later the door was still open. I was starting to get concerned. After a few more minutes, we were informed that we were awaiting the fuel tanker. Apparently, due to some weather in Houston, the pilot needed to file a longer flight plan, and would need more fuel. Oh well, a slight delay, no big deal.

                Once we were fueled, we soon learned that all traffic at Houston had been halted, and we would need to wait about an hour and twenty minutes to find out when and if we could take off. In the mean time, people were given the option of getting off the plane to make alternate arrangements if they wished. A few decided that this was their best option, and got off of the plane.

                After a short while, the pilot advised us that we would be pushing back from the gate and waiting on the tarmac. Oh boy that jut sounded like more fun than I was willing to pass up. We backed away from the gate, and moved to a waiting area not far from the terminal. After the initial hour and twenty minutes went by, we were advised that we would have to wait another hour to hear if Houston would be opening up to arrivals again. After about 45 minutes we were informed that we would be moving back to the terminal, and deplaning.

                One thing I do have to say is that the girls we very well behaved while we were spending almost two hours sitting on the plane. They ran back and forth, visiting with their mother and I, and generally just being good. The woman seated across from me asked if they were my brother’s daughters, assuming that since they called me “Kat” that I must be their aunt, and the other woman with them must me their mother, who they called mommy, of course. This was the first time I was really put into this kind of situation, and was faced with the split second decision to out myself or play along. I decided best to play along, and said that they were my nieces. I think this helped to ensure much better conversation with our neighbor on the plane.

She and I had a lovely conversation. She was traveling to Miami for a job interview on Sunday. IN the end it seemed doubtful that she would be making it on time for her interview. Houston was a mess, and traffic getting in and out was quite backed up. After we got off of the plane, we learned that, in all likelihood the plane would not leave until after 5pm.

Prior to even getting back to the gate, I began making phone calls to check in flight availability out of Houston to Orlando.  There was a flight at 7:30, which seemed like a good bet, but the phone agent would not switch, and told me I would have to do it with a gate agent. She also told me that there was room on the flight, so at that time I was a bit relieved.

After we got back into the terminal, I found that there was only one gate agent handling three or four gates, and they had posted the reservations number for any changes being made. She was handling four or more flights to Houston that had to be delayed or cancelled.

I called the reservations number to get on the 7:30 to Orlando. Again I was told to go through the gate agent, but I explained that we were all being referred to the 1-800 number for changes. She told me that she would have to talk to a supervisor to make any changes. After about 10 or more minutes on hold, she said she could help me. At this point I learned the 7:30 was full, and there was no way to get to Orland through Continental today, or maybe even on Sunday. I asked if they could put me on another airline. She could, but it had to be a partner airline. I asked about Southwest and Jet Blue, but they were not partners. They both, however, had flights from Austin to Orlando leaving in the next few hours.

While I was still debating with her on different option, I went to the Jet Blue desk, and asked if they had room on their Orlando flight. They did! And the price was decent for a last minute booking. I told Continental to cancel my flights with them for today, and that I would be rebooking with another airline. I then quickly rebooked with Jet Blue, and got us on a direct flight to Orlando. I ran back over to Continental, asked to have my bags pulled, ran down to baggage claim, waited for my bags, and rechecked them with Jet Blue.

I got back up to the gate in time to see what was supposed to be our new plane arriving and the previous passengers disembarking. We soon learned that the pilots had to restart the plane, and that we could not board until this process took place. After about 30 minutes, we were informed that there was a computer issue, and that the plane could not make it on to Orlando. Fortunately, there was a plane arriving at 5pm that could, and our entire flight was moved to that plane.

So, after arriving at the airport at 8am, we left Austin, headed for Disney’s magic kingdom in Orlando at 5:45pm, almost 10 hours spent in the airport. What a way to start our vacation. I remained surprisingly calm during the whole time, mostly just enjoying being called ma’am by everyone, sweetie by the sky cap, and enjoying the fact that I was traveling as me know, with matching documentation. Oh yeah, TSA was so much better this time. I had documentation that matched my gender presentation and was treated with a lot more respect. So, know we are somewhere over the Gulf of Mexico, trying to avoid the storm system that dumped up to 10 inches of rain in parts of Houston, and about an hour outside of Orlando. We are getting in about 6 hours later than originally planned, but we will be there, and that is what is important. 

I think I focus on that a lot more, what is important. I am happy now, and able to fully enjoy my family. No more confusion and fear clouding my thinking. No more testosterone throwing off my emotions. No more having to interact with the world as a gender that never fit me. I can now be me, and enjoy every moment. I still have the ability to spring into action and save our vacation, but I can do it a lot calmer and more politely than I would have before. So for now, I am going to enjoy some of that time, and I will fill you all in later as to how the vacation in progressing.  I’ll be sure and say hi to the mouse for all of you too!