Getting ready for SF Pride

Yeah, I admit it, I have not had much of a motivation to blog for a while. All of a sudden, life seems a lot more important that sitting in front of the computer and typing about what I am doing. There has been so much going on, and I have not really felt the need to write about what has been going on. Life is very normal, very exciting, and very busy.

This weekend I am taking a break from everything that is going on here in Austin, and I am heading to San Francisco for SF Pride. It’s going to be nice to go back to the city in which I grew up and finally take part in Pride. I fly in tomorrow morning, in plenty of time to attend TransMarch tomorrow afternoon. I will also be spending time with friends and family, including seeing some family that I have not seen since way before transition. Definitely looking forward to that. On Sunday I will be marching in the parade with my Mom and PFLAG, so looking forward to that. My original plan was to walk with the SFPD, since I worked there for some many years, but when I found out my Mom was going to be out with PFLAG, the choice was obvious. I will take the opportunity to meet up with the SFPD contingent and say hi to old friends.

Anyway, that is what I have on tap. Now, I need to get back to packing and everything else I need to do to prepare for my trip!

A Whole new way of thinking

The last three weeks have really been life changing, and have really made me stop to think of how I lived life before transition and how I want to live my life after transition. 

For so many years I hid a large part of who I was. I ran from things, from people, and, many times, from life in general. It was a very destructive pattern that I was caught up in. Physically it manifested itself in doing such self destructive things as smoking and medically dangerous things like high cholesterol. I was really headed down a very unhealthy path, one that, likely, would have left me ill at an early age and prevented me from really enjoying the later years in my life. Of course, I was not really enjoying the early part of my life either as I struggled with my gender identity.

Since coming out last year, so much has changed about how I life my life. Within weeks of coming out, I quit smoking for good, my cholesterol plummeted as I began eating better, and I looked forward to the future. I still did not know what it had in store for me, but, no matter what it did, I knew it could be no worse than the life I had lived before. 

Now, I have reached a point in my life that I never thought I would reach. I never imagined that I would be able to transition. And now I have. I am finally able to live the life I have always wanted to live, and to actually live the life that I have. In the process of examining the life the lies ahead for me, I realized how much I neglected myself for so many years. What I mean by this, is how little interest I took in things. I would express some interest, in say hobbies or music or other activities, and then I would abandon those “interests” in favor of pursuits that would not get e too involved with others. There were things I did and took an active interest to help those around me, but I found that often times those were being done to occupy time and space, and not out of a deeper joy and interest in those activities. 

So, where does that leave me? Well it really leaves me in a place of wanting to really find and pursue my passions. My primary passion is my children, but I also realize I need time for me, time to really become the woman that I have always been meant to be. I want to spend time doing things that don’t just take up time, but, rather, do things that truly enrich my life and my life experience. To find things I am passionate about and pursue them. 

It’s an amazing thing to find a new passion for life, to reach a point where I expect so much more of myself because I know now that I can do so much more. I no longer have to hold myself back, I can finally pursue my full potential. Just prior to and during the first few months of transition, I sought to continue in my career and this kind of stagnant same position kind of future. As I moved through transition and began seeing a brighter future, I decided that I deserved so much more. I then began to pursue career movement in an upward direction. As a result, my career has moved forward, and I got the promotion I sought out. This showed me how much better my future could be. 

Now I guess I am examining my past looking at those things that I took up and abandoned. Looking to see that I did because because I had a passion for it and what I was just kind of trying. I want to revisit those things I loved but left behind. When asked what I like to do, I want to be able to speak passionately about my hobbies and interests. Now that I am passionate about my life, and I want that new found passion to shine through. This is a whole new way of thinking. I now longer want to hide from life, I am ready to live it.

Sometimes life does get a little boring, or not

So, I have been wanting to write the last week, but realized I did not have much to say. Or at least I thought that I did not. My first week at work was a total success, especially since two days into I was notified that I would be promoted. As this week began, I started to realize just how “normal” life seemed to have become. Not that there are not issues to deal with, or that my being trans has totally faded into the background. 

The trans issues have faded though. In the past, so much of my awake time was dominated by ignoring, running from, or trying to cope with my gender dysphoria, I never realized how much of that time until the last couple of weeks. All of a sudden I am no longer preoccupied with my gender identity and my gender presentation. Getting dressed in the morning is no longer an ordeal. No longer do I have to don male business attire, only to run upstairs when I get home and take it off as quick as possible. I am me, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. I feel good about myself, and I can look at myself in the mirror. Ok maybe I do that too much sometimes, but then I actually finally like what I see so who can blame me! 

So, on Monday of this week, I moved to the branch where I am going to train for the next month. Really the only people who knew about me and my transition were the branch manager and the assistant manager, and they actually figured it out on their own. Ok, so I inadvertently freaked some people out when I took my two and half weeks off. You see, I turned in all my keys to my old branch. I wasn’t really working there, but I was still assigned there, so really I could have held on to them. As usual, I trusted my intuition, and figured I wouldn’t need them anymore, so I turned them in to the acting assistant manager. This apparently freaked some people out who had not idea what was going on with me. They hear I am on vacation for a few weeks, but that I turned in my keys. They wondered if I was even coming back. Add to that the fact that the branch where I am training should have been included in the communications, but do to an understandable oversight, they were left out of the loop. 

How then did they figure it out? Well, they saw that James was not at the branch anymore, but Kathryn was. Being smart, they put two and two together. So, only the management team at my current branch know that I transitioned, or at least openly know about my transition. It is interesting that the staff was not and has not been told. It’s not that I care if they know or not, I don’t feel the need to hide anything, and don’t really plan on being stealth. So, all of a sudden, I am essentially working in a setting where most of the people do not know about my gender status, or, if they do, are being respectful enough not to bring it up or make an issue out of it. 

The only person that has made an issue of anything was this “customer.” I put that in quotes because he is not a customer of the bank, but he used to come by my last branch every morning. I think he has nothing better to do than hang around grocery stores all day. So, he used to stop by my old branch all the time, would always ask about bank stock prices. As time went by and my hair got longer, her would ask me when I was getting a hair cut. Of course my hair got longer and longer as time went by. So, I saw him in the grocery store where my training branch is located. He was hanging around on Monday. On Tuesday I saw him again walking into the store. A little while later, he walked into the branch, and asked me,”What’s the deal?” I replied with an,”Excuse me?” He said it again and then asked if I used to work at such and such branch, AKA my old branch.. I said that I did. He then said ,”sorry about the hair.” I assumed this was his way of apologizing for teasing me about my hair before and I told him I never took it personally. He then walked away. It was a weird interaction. It was also unnecessary. He is one of those older guys who like to hear himself talk, and just had to say something when he saw me. My training manager was more upset about it than I was. I think she is hoping he will come back by so she can tell him off inform him that he is not welcome back. I love some of the people I work with, they are awesome!

Other than that there has not been much going on here. I’m busily training so that I can show I am capable of having my own branch. The weather has gotten hot. And I have been pondering a question that comes up from time to time on Trans-Ponder. For those of you who are not familiar with Trans-Ponder, it is a podcast hosted by Mila and Jayna. They cover all sorts of trans related topics. From time to time they have asked what happens after one goes full time, what happens to the need for support groups, what fills the gap that remains. For Mila and Jayna, I think the answer if obvious, activism. They are very involved in the community at all levels, from transgender media to activism. I really feel that is part of the answer for me as well. To be honest, I never really got involved with support groups, but got more involved with activism than anything else when I was going through transition. Outside of that, I realized that I spent a lot of time looking at trans related websites, searching for any information to help me navigate transition. Now, I don’t really need all that web surfing. Now I am left with figuring out the best and most productive use of the extra time and brain power. Of course, using some of that time to be totally unproductive would be nice now and again.

I think I will write more on this later. This is a good start, but this is the question of what does Kathryn do now? I am sure you noticed the title change, there is a reason for that, and I’ll explore that more next time. For now, I am going to go be completely unproductive by going to bed.

Just antagonizing the Bigot

Some guy named “Chet”, e-mail address of: serpy@gmail.com, if that is his real e-mail address posted some unkind comments to one of my posts. The first said, “I’m sorry but you need to see a mental health professional who believes in the bible. You may be having your little fantasy today (at the expense of your family) but in a few short years you will have to answer for your wierd decisions. And I know what all you other wierdos out there are going to say so you might as well save it.” He followed up with, “PS; I dare you to post it!!  Bet you won’t!!!” I just love it when they can’t even spell weird right! My thinking is that if he says,”in a few short years that I will have to answer,” that he is one of those end of days nuts, who probably thinks that the world will come to an end in 2012. Well, the joke will be on him while he is locked in a bunker committing suicide with his doomsday cult, and the rest of us are going about our lives actually living a Christian life of love and tolerance. Poor delusional soul. I hope some day he stops listening to the zealots and actually reads the bible. It is so unfortunate when people get their bible from bad sources. Oh yeah, and “Chet”, if that is even your real name and you are reading this, check out this site: Transfigurations. Guess what, there were people who did not adhere to gender norms in the Bible. That’s it, he did not think I would post his comments, so I thought I would.

Uneventful Awesome Day

Well, today was finally day one at work. A day I never thought would come. Today, I got to finally be me at work, and I must say it was totally uneventful and totally awesome. Contradictory terms one could say, but that is just the best way to describe it.

My day started off getting up early. I did not sleep all that much, partly because of nerves, and partly from the round of storms that rolled in through the evening. I got ready for work, the usually showing, and the welcome additions of makeup and actually doing something with my hair. Getting dressed took a bit longer than I anticipated as I changed outfits a couple of times trying to decide on the right look for day one. I originally planned on a pant suit and heels, but ended up nixing that for a pair of slacks, a blouse, and a nice pair of flats. I just wanted professional, but simple, something that said I am here and I am ready to get to work. I think that came across. Besides that, I was, as it turned out, already the tallest person at the branch, heels would have had me towering over everyone. 

 

 

After getting ready, I had a light breakfast, the butterflies in my stomach were not going to allow for a decent breakfast. I was really a lot more nervous than I anticipated being, but found ways to manage it and take my mind off of being nervous. On the way in to work, I stopped for a Starbucks, figured I might as well, after-all I had a five dollar gift card sitting on the counter. I might as well use it today!

As I got closer to the branch, I got more and more nervous, and had to work a bit harder at controlling the butterflies that were going full tilt in my abdomen. When I pulled in the lot, and saw my district manager car already there, I was able to relax a bit. Knowing he was already there put me at easy. From there, I went in, and things got pretty uneventful from there. I was introduced to the branch team, they had their Monday meeting, they were told that I was the acting manager while their manager was off, and that was that. My district manager and I chatted for a few minutes. He got me up to speed on what was going on this week, conference calls and a branch manager meeting. He told me what he knew of the branch and its staff, and then he was off to his regular rounds at other branches. 

With that, I was in charge and on my way to an uneventful day. Really only two other significant things happened. First off, even though my e-mail address was updated, there was a database issue that was not addressed, and I had no access to my e-mail. I had to call and get a ticket opened for that. This was not resolved until late in the day. Heck many of those e-mails had been sitting there for over two weeks, there was not reason they could not sit  there one day longer. 

The other wonderful thing was a flower delivery from Zoe. She had conspired with my mother to find out where I was going to be working this week, and to ensure flowers found their way to me that day. They were gorgeous, and I loved that she did that for me on my day one. 

 

I also had lunch today with my previous manager and the assistant manager from the first branch I worked at. They both commented about how happy I looked, and that they had never seen me look so happy. They were right, I was happy, I am happy. It was just so nice to be able to sit down with them and talk and just be me doing it. They apologized in advance if they messed up on name or pronoun stuff, and I told them I would never hold it against them. They had actually been planning this since they learned about my transition. They also relayed to me how surprised everyone was. The fact that no one had any idea. I did a pretty good job of keeping my transition under wraps. Not that I wanted to, but, as many of you know, it is kind of a necessity. They both thought they were in some kind of trouble when they got the confidential e-mail instructing them to be on a call with HR and the market manager. Little did they know what the real topic was, it never crossed their minds. They were also sweet to pledge their to take care of anyone who may not say the right things or who may have a problem with my transition. They stood up to defend me, yet again, so cool.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Oh yeah, there was the obligatory people dropping in out of their way to stop by and see me. Now the branch I am in right now is inside a grocery store, and we have a free standing branch on the far end of the parking lot. I started at that free standing branch when I first started with the bank. My old manager, assistant manager, and one of the bankers is still there. The first person to stop in was my old manager. He just happened to be in buying a few things at the supermarket, and a miserable super rainy, chance of hail storms and tornado kinds of morning. They didn’t need excuses to come see me, he could have just stopped by. The next person was the banker I used to work with. He also just happened to be in picking up a few groceries on his was back from lunch. I personally do all my grocery shopping in the middle of my work day, don’t you? It was nice that they stopped by, don’t get me wrong, I just had to laugh a bit about how they did it. Not unlike the typical parade of people by the cubicle that I heard goes on in a typical officer setting.

Well, Day one is a wrap. I am hoping for more uneventful awesome days to come. Wednesday I have a branch manager meeting. My last manager and I have already made arrangements to meet for bagels before hand, and sit together at the meeting. It’s nice to have people standing by and showing support. Oh yeah, another manager I worked with recently asked me to lunch later this week. So, I actually have a semi busy week, but I am sure it will be a good one. Thank you everyone for your words of support, and you friendship. For those not quite at your day one, I look forward to hearing about yours. For those whose day one is in the past, you too know the liberation of finally getting to be yourself.

Day one approaches

Over the last few days, I have really had an opportunity to begin reflecting on how I finally reached the point were I will be living my whole life as Kathryn. Tomorrow marks a major milestone in the journey. Tomorrow morning, at 8:30am, I go back to work after a nice vacation. No more suits and ties. Now, instead, it will be womens professional business attire, a much better was to go to work if you ask me. I would say that I am a little nervous, but mostly excited to finally be getting on with my life, and taking a step that I have been building towards over the last year, and have wanted for as long as I can remember.

The last year has been amazing. It’s hard to believe sometimes that I only came out for the first time a little over a year ago, February of last year to be exact, and now here I am living 24/7 as my authentic self and ready to go back to work. This journey has taken me so many places and allowed me to meet so many wonderful people. Some of those people inspired me to start blogging, and to dump Yahoo!360 an move my blog over to a real blogging platform, thank you Lori! There have also been ups and downs, but in so many ways life is so much sweeter today that it was before.

Yesterday was my birthday. Typically, I did not look forward to my birthdays. They were not really anything worth celebrating to me. Even those marked with some fan fare were just another reminder that time was passing me by. This year was so much different, I looked forward to this birthday, looked forward to the fact that for the first time in my life I would be celebrating my birthday as a woman, that I was no longer stuck in a male existence. I no longer had to dread to future, but could now look towards it with renewed hope and optimism for good things to come. So, I did enjoy my birthday, I didn’t do anything special, it was mellow and quiet but still so very good.

One thing I did do was go to the monthly CTTGS(Central Texas Transgender Society) Luncheon. I had not gone in some time, and this month actually marked one year since I first went to one of these luncheons. In a way it was one of those moments marking the fact that I had come full circle. Last April, I walked into the luncheon, recently having come out as trans, and I was nervous about what I would find there and how that would help steer me in the right direction as I began the process of figuring out where to really begin this journey. I went in totally presenting male. I hadn’t even begun to figure out how to dress and present female yet. In the end, I walked away feeling like I had really finally established a connection with the community. I had already connected with Karen and Tiana, but this was the next level of connection.

It was to go back for a moment to address something that I said in the last paragraph. I made  statement about not having begun to figure out how to dress and present female. This was something that came up in a board somewhere early in my transition. You see, “crossdressing” was never really a part of my life at all. I did it a bit in my early teen years when I really struggled with my gender identity as puberty was hitting me like a mac truck (unfortunately it was not one carrying Mac cosmetics!) Crossdressing then was a way of trying to figure out why I was identifying so strongly with being female. I truly felt comfortable in those moments, but my hope was also that somehow I would wake up in the morning and be a girl. That never happened. I think the fact that the clothing and a good nights sleep never transformed me took away some of the “power” of the clothing. But then, it was never about the clothing. I did not have this strong urge to dress in women’s clothing, I just knew I was a girl and not a boy. It was about being accepted and viewed by society and those around me as a girl.

As I progressed into adulthood, there was not a big draw towards crossdressing. The knowledge that I always identified more as a woman than I man persisted, but part of me knew that it could not be satiated simply by wearing women’s clothing. There was so much more to this struggle that was being waged inside my head. Eventually, I figured out that I was trans, or at least put a name to what I experience my whole life and found out that the best way to deal with it was transition, exactly what I had wanted to do my whole life but did now know was possible. I finally found out that there were others like me, but I was terrified to tell anyone, so I continued to try and live their life. At this point, I knew that one day I would transition, I did not know when or how, but I knew that the time would come when I would have the opportunity or it would become a necessity for survival. Crossdressing still was never part of that equation. So, when the time came to transition, that is when I learned to dress and present female.

So, back to our regularly scheduled blog. A year has passed. It’s amazing to think of what can happen in a year. Just over nine months ago I started HRT. I started therapy a year ago this month. I learned to dress, do makeup, and present female. I feel like I still have a lot to learn about presenting female and blending in a bit more, but I am very happy with my presentation over all. I still feel like I have a ways to go on voice stuff, but I am working on it. I am mostly just so ready to finally be me. I have cleaned out all the male clothing. In fact, my five year old daughter enthusiastically ensured that all male clothing was removed from drawers and closets. She is so ready for me to be full time, and so happy that I finally am. 

So, tomorrow morning, I will get up early. I will get ready for work just like any other day. The only difference will be that I will spend more time doing my hair, I will apply makeup, and I will put on clothes that match my gender identity. I will present on the outside how I feel on the inside. No longer will there be an incongruity. No longer will I feel like a woman in a suit. No longer will I have to struggle with a gender battle waging war  inside my head. I can live in peace, happy with who I am. I can concentrate on getting on with my life and finally really living it!

Rough start to vacation

I wrote this a couple of days ago, but just now got around to posting it:

Today’s start to our family vacation was not necessarily the best start. Due to severe weather in Houston, we had several delays, switched airlines, and faced even more delays. We eventually got out of Austin, but it took some time.

                We all got up early this morning, and got out of the house with some time to spare, though not much. This morning was also a foggy and wet one. When I took my first look out the window, fog blanketed the neighborhood, creating a beautiful if not eerie look to the trees and pond behind the house. Of course my daughters were more than excited. Today they were going to Disney World, and they were more than ready to get going.

                We managed to get everyone dressed and ready fairly quickly.  All the packing had been done the night before, so all we had to do was throw the toiletries in the bags, and put them in the car. Once at the airport, I could see that there was a line at Continental, our airline for this trip. I dropped off my spouse and girls at the curb, along with the luggage, and headed off to put the car into long term parking. While there had been some good rain on the way to the airport, it let up once I parked the car. This worked to my advantage, since I had just missed a shuttle, and I was able to park close enough to the terminal that it made more sense to walk than wait.

                Once I got to the terminal, I saw we were in for a wait. The line for continental check-in was the longest I had ever seen at Austin airport. I found the girls in line, and we waited for a while, until someone came by and suggested we try to sky caps at the curb. I ran outside to check it out, and there was not line there. We left our place in the mile long line, and were checked in just a few minutes at the curb, well worth the price of the tip.

                Once we got the terminal and found our gate, we waited only a short while before boarding> everything seemed to be moving along quite fine. Once everyone was seated, we heard the announcement that the door would be closing and we would be pushing back from the gate. Fifteen minutes later the door was still open. I was starting to get concerned. After a few more minutes, we were informed that we were awaiting the fuel tanker. Apparently, due to some weather in Houston, the pilot needed to file a longer flight plan, and would need more fuel. Oh well, a slight delay, no big deal.

                Once we were fueled, we soon learned that all traffic at Houston had been halted, and we would need to wait about an hour and twenty minutes to find out when and if we could take off. In the mean time, people were given the option of getting off the plane to make alternate arrangements if they wished. A few decided that this was their best option, and got off of the plane.

                After a short while, the pilot advised us that we would be pushing back from the gate and waiting on the tarmac. Oh boy that jut sounded like more fun than I was willing to pass up. We backed away from the gate, and moved to a waiting area not far from the terminal. After the initial hour and twenty minutes went by, we were advised that we would have to wait another hour to hear if Houston would be opening up to arrivals again. After about 45 minutes we were informed that we would be moving back to the terminal, and deplaning.

                One thing I do have to say is that the girls we very well behaved while we were spending almost two hours sitting on the plane. They ran back and forth, visiting with their mother and I, and generally just being good. The woman seated across from me asked if they were my brother’s daughters, assuming that since they called me “Kat” that I must be their aunt, and the other woman with them must me their mother, who they called mommy, of course. This was the first time I was really put into this kind of situation, and was faced with the split second decision to out myself or play along. I decided best to play along, and said that they were my nieces. I think this helped to ensure much better conversation with our neighbor on the plane.

She and I had a lovely conversation. She was traveling to Miami for a job interview on Sunday. IN the end it seemed doubtful that she would be making it on time for her interview. Houston was a mess, and traffic getting in and out was quite backed up. After we got off of the plane, we learned that, in all likelihood the plane would not leave until after 5pm.

Prior to even getting back to the gate, I began making phone calls to check in flight availability out of Houston to Orlando.  There was a flight at 7:30, which seemed like a good bet, but the phone agent would not switch, and told me I would have to do it with a gate agent. She also told me that there was room on the flight, so at that time I was a bit relieved.

After we got back into the terminal, I found that there was only one gate agent handling three or four gates, and they had posted the reservations number for any changes being made. She was handling four or more flights to Houston that had to be delayed or cancelled.

I called the reservations number to get on the 7:30 to Orlando. Again I was told to go through the gate agent, but I explained that we were all being referred to the 1-800 number for changes. She told me that she would have to talk to a supervisor to make any changes. After about 10 or more minutes on hold, she said she could help me. At this point I learned the 7:30 was full, and there was no way to get to Orland through Continental today, or maybe even on Sunday. I asked if they could put me on another airline. She could, but it had to be a partner airline. I asked about Southwest and Jet Blue, but they were not partners. They both, however, had flights from Austin to Orlando leaving in the next few hours.

While I was still debating with her on different option, I went to the Jet Blue desk, and asked if they had room on their Orlando flight. They did! And the price was decent for a last minute booking. I told Continental to cancel my flights with them for today, and that I would be rebooking with another airline. I then quickly rebooked with Jet Blue, and got us on a direct flight to Orlando. I ran back over to Continental, asked to have my bags pulled, ran down to baggage claim, waited for my bags, and rechecked them with Jet Blue.

I got back up to the gate in time to see what was supposed to be our new plane arriving and the previous passengers disembarking. We soon learned that the pilots had to restart the plane, and that we could not board until this process took place. After about 30 minutes, we were informed that there was a computer issue, and that the plane could not make it on to Orlando. Fortunately, there was a plane arriving at 5pm that could, and our entire flight was moved to that plane.

So, after arriving at the airport at 8am, we left Austin, headed for Disney’s magic kingdom in Orlando at 5:45pm, almost 10 hours spent in the airport. What a way to start our vacation. I remained surprisingly calm during the whole time, mostly just enjoying being called ma’am by everyone, sweetie by the sky cap, and enjoying the fact that I was traveling as me know, with matching documentation. Oh yeah, TSA was so much better this time. I had documentation that matched my gender presentation and was treated with a lot more respect. So, know we are somewhere over the Gulf of Mexico, trying to avoid the storm system that dumped up to 10 inches of rain in parts of Houston, and about an hour outside of Orlando. We are getting in about 6 hours later than originally planned, but we will be there, and that is what is important. 

I think I focus on that a lot more, what is important. I am happy now, and able to fully enjoy my family. No more confusion and fear clouding my thinking. No more testosterone throwing off my emotions. No more having to interact with the world as a gender that never fit me. I can now be me, and enjoy every moment. I still have the ability to spring into action and save our vacation, but I can do it a lot calmer and more politely than I would have before. So for now, I am going to enjoy some of that time, and I will fill you all in later as to how the vacation in progressing.  I’ll be sure and say hi to the mouse for all of you too!

Rainy Friday

I’m a bit surprised how much rain we have actually been getting here in the Austin area the last month or so, while it is still not enough at least it is something. This morning we are getting another good soaking. Makes for the rainy morning kind of feel, you know the kind where you don’t want to go to work, and just want to curl up with a good cup of coffee. That is definitely today for me, although I am on vacation, so the work part is not that big of a deal. It is kind of nice right now though. The house is quiet. Once girl is at school, and my spouse and youngest daughter are sleeping in.

Speaking of sleeping in, it’s kind of strange, but since I first came out to my spouse a little over a year ago, sleeping in does not happen much anymore. It’s not because I can’t sleep. In fact, I sleep better than I ever have. Before coming out, I would toss and turn, trying to go to sleep, and I would sleep horribly, usually waking up just as tired as when I went to bed. Sleeping in was a way of trying to get enough sleep, but it was never enough. Now, I lay down, and I am out almost as soon as my head hits the pillow. I then usually sleep seven straight hours, rarely waking up in the middle of the night, and I wake up completely refreshed. There is not point in sleeping in. I wake up feeling great. Sometimes I wish I could sleep in, but the feeling of actually getting a good nights sleep is so much more valuable now. I actually used to dread going to bed. It was this time in the day when I was left alone with my thoughts, no distraction, just the constant pain of the struggle I was going through. 

So, now that I am here enjoying this morning, well rested, with an awesome cup of coffee, on with some news and things that are going on.

Yesterday morning was the morning of the official announcement to my co-workers. As, as of yesterday, I am officially out at work. When the time came, around 8:30 yesterday morning, I felt this great sense of relief. Just to know that the last area of my life where I could not be myself had now been informed of my transition. The communications were done as two conference calls. Unfortunately because I work in retail banking, it is pretty much impossible to shut down a branch or pull and entire branch team away for a 3 or four hour trans 101. So, we opted for two conference calls, one for managers, and a second one for people with whom I have worked closely. Included in the second call was a letter from me and a letter from HR supporting me. 

My HR business partners take on the calls was that my transition came as quite a surprise. I probably did quite a good job of hiding a lot, presenting as male as possible and concealing as many female gender cues as possible over the last year. The main thing I could not hide was my longer hair. Of course the act was helped by the fact that I work in a business professional environment, so that means I have been wearing a suit and tie this whole time. To those who know me, the change was gradual and probably not very noticeable. I must admit though, I was getting some looks from customers towards the end. Most of these looks came in the restroom, when someone would catch a glimpse going in or our, and have to do a double take, thinking there was a woman in the mens room. I was actually quite amused by these reactions because, here I was wearing a suit and being gendered female, kind of awesome. 

Since the communications went out, I have received a few e-mails and one phone call of support. I am quite sure that it will take some time for people to get over their initial surprise and process the change. I will be going back to work a week from Monday, and will be going to a new branch. Actually it is part of my management training rotation. 

The other big thing from yesterday was that I drove up to Dallas to have the splint taken off of my nose and the sutures removed. I will say this much, I love my new nose. My nose was something that bothered be for years, even though it was not bad, it was still this constant reminder in high school and after that things did not develop as I had hoped they would. But, now I have the nose I always wanted. It is still a little swollen, but when that goes down it will look great. 

Today is set to be a busy day, once I get past my relaxing and enjoying the rainy morning. We are leaving for Disney World tomorrow, six fun filled days in the Magic Kingdom. My two little princesses are extremely excited. So, I guess I should get my butt out of this chair and get on with the day. I’ll fill you all in on the fun with Mickey and friends later.

The little things

So, yesterday I did something I have been wanting to do for some time. In fact many people were asking me why I had not done this sooner. Well, it is something that is hard to hide, and in a professional working environment,just doing it prior to going full time can raise questions that are better left unasked. 

So, yesterday, I did it. I went and had my ears pierced. It’s a small thing, and yet a huge thing. It’s one of those things that many people take for granted, except those who have ever worn clip on earrings for any period of time. For those of us who are transitioning, it is another outward sign that we have reached a certain point in our transition. Some people may feel safe piercing their ears long before they go full time, others of us feel the need to wait. This can be the result of any number of things, such as work environment, the nature of our relationships, the nature of our “male” persona, or other cultural confines. 

For me this was something that had to wait. I work in a professional setting, my “male” work attire was suits and ties, a fairly conservative work environment. I was already bucking trends with my long hair, though many of my clients complimented me on my golden locks. Throwing a set of pierced ears into the mix might have been pushing things a bit far, so I waited.

So, yesterday was the day. I decided to do it at a tattoo and piercing place a friend recommended to me. I preferred to go with a professional, rather than someone who watched a five minute video on piercing as part of their summer job new hire orientation. Once the younger kids were home from school, we all headed into Austin for this event. My spouse came with me, as well as my daughters and my nephew. The girls were much more excited about the prospect of me getting earring. My nephew, he didn’t really have much of an opinion about the who process.

The place we went to, True Blue Tattoo in Austin, was pretty cool. It is a two story tattoo and piercing shop, with tattoo work being done on the first floor and piercing upstairs. We went up to the piercing level, which is a kind of open loft setting with a couple rooms in back for privacy during the piercing process. When I told the guy I was there to have my ears pierced, he asked me what size I wanted. When I admitted my lack of knowledge about piercing gauges, he explained the various sizes and that the 20 gauge was a typical earring gauge. I was definitely not going for spacer or large bone earrings, so 20 gauge was good. 

They had plenty of jewelry for more exotic or larger piercing, but only a few for new smaller piercing on the ears. So, I went with a nice pair of “diamond” studs. Simple, yet suitable for all occasions until I am able to change then after six weeks. The piercer went through a whole bunch of disclosure stuff, care and cleaning stuff, and some paperwork. He also reviewed how they sterilize at the shop, and their process for ensuring that all equipment used in the procedure is sterile. Definitely made me feel more at ease.

When the time came, he marked my ears, and I double checked. He got them lined up perfectly the first time. I think he’s a professional, he must have done this before. Once I was satisfied that my earrings would line up properly, he pierced. Now, I am used to seeing the whole piercing gun things they do in the mall. Apparently, when you go to a piercing shop, the guns do not exist. The piercing is done by the piercer pushing the needle in himself. Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt, maybe a little bit of a burning sensation, but no real pain. In a couple of minutes, he pushed needles through both lobes and put my new earrings on. I must admit that it is nice to finally have it done. I may go back there for additional no piercing work, still working on design stuff for that. 

Well, just wanted to get this out there. All this time on my hands, I have more time to write and share.

Time on my hands

It’s interesting, over the last last few months, some of the busiest months of my transition, I haven’t written very much. One would think that my head would be filled with things to talk about and write about. It probably was, but time often got in between me and the keyboard. There was really a lot going on, and I rarely felt as though I had the time to sit down and write about what I was doing or what I was thinking.

All of a sudden, I have time on my hands. I sit here now, on vacation, full time, with much more time than I have had in a while. Everything I was working on at work is on hold until I go back at the end of the month, all the planning I was doing for transition is either complete or in the hands of someone else, and, oh yeah, I still have a ton of name change things to take care of. Oh wait, I do have things to do, but there is only so much time I want to spend on the phone on any one day explaining my name change and seeing what documentation, if any I need to submit, where I need to go and do it, or how long it will take to process.

I am also in a position where I cannot be running around taking care of errands or doing household project. With my recent rhinoplasty, I have to relax as much as I can for a few days and not do anything overly taxing. I also don’t feel like running around town with a nose splint on, though I will in a few days. In fact, I will venture out on Tueday to get my ears pierced, and then on Wednesday to have lunch with friends.

All of a sudden, life seems a bit boring, just the way I want it. I have realized that I have had or made little time to keep on on blogs I followed more closely in the past. I realized this when I skimmed through two months of Lori’s blogs realizing I had missed even more than what I was able to go through. Skimming does no justice either, it’s hell playing catchup on something you really want to read and pay attention to the details and the emotions and you don’t give yourself adequate time to do it.

Of course, this time comes with the realization that there will be a lot more happening this week than may appear on the surface of my ho hum existence of taking care of small tasks. While I sit here contemplating what to do with my days, conference calls will be taking place, my co-workers will learn that a significant change is taking place, and work will spread through the local market that James is transitioning to Kathryn. I wonder how they will take the news? I guess I will find out soon enough. I will partly be bracing for phone calls, probably resorting to call screening, you know that age old practice of letting the voice male field the calls. I recently changed my greeting, it says nothing about whose phone it is. If it were not for a slightly stuffy nose sound that I am currently stuck with, I would probably put a nice new greeting on there. Oh well, I’ll just hold off until I am able to record a decent one.

You know, that was the first time I referenced my male name and my new name in the same place. This is probably one of the few places that those two names appear together. In a way, I figured at some point I would link the two, but not as a means of tying the past to my future, but rather as a way of moving past. By doing so, I feel as though I acknowledge my male past and the life I lived before, and at the same time I move forward to a more honest and full life as the woman I am today. I would not be where I am at today without my past. I never enjoyed being male, but I cannot leave behind any and all traces of that past. To do so would be to leave behind so much that I hold near and dear, my home, my family, my friends, and so many other things that I carry forward to my new life.

Those last few words really make me stop and think. Is this a new life? Or is it merely a repackaging of the life I lived before? In many ways, and I guess I am very fortunate in this respect, not much will change. I still have the same family, the same friends, I will return to the same job, drive the same car, hug and kiss the same adorable daughters, and do many of the same things that I did before. What will be different is how I do it. I will finally be able do it as a woman, presenting in the manner that is most comfortable to me, most congruent with who I am inside. I will interact with my same world in a more authentic way. I will be able to experience life with out the constant nagging discomfort that came from being in a body and gender presentation that was so contrary to what I felt inside.

Life will be the same, but it will be different. There will be a whole new set of challenges. I will now face the possibility of discrimination that I never faced before, whether that be because I am a woman or because I am a transgendered woman. I will have to adjust to living my life fully in this new gender role, interacting with everyone I meet as a woman. That last part doesn’t seem so bad, but there is a lifetime of male conditioning that I have been trying to shed. All those things that I wished I didn’t have to do, but that became habit because making them habits made them easier to do. Most of those have slowly faded away already.

Earlier today, my daughter wanted to watch a video from when she was a baby. Occasionally, I make an appearance in those videos, looking far more masculine that I remember. It’s quite odd to see that person. I don’t really identify at all with those images. My daughter says,”look Kat, there you are.” She knows that’s me, I haven’t changed enough to be unrecognizable, but much about my body has changed. My face has changed too. Gone is the beard shadow, and the fat on my face has redistributed to a more female appearance. Of course I have a new nose now too, and my Adam’s apple has been shaved back as well. But I also find it hard to recognize myself in that old shell. Those were years of hiding who I was, not talking about what I was feeling on the inside. They were years during which I repressed so much, and was constantly torn on the inside. Even with the internal battle waging, I presented this image of the provider and protector.

I look forward to new family videos, videos of me as I am now. Videos that we will be able to watch years from now and see me as I always wanted to be seen.

It seems that I have made quite good use of this extra time. There is probably so much more I could say, and will say over the coming days and weeks, but I will leave it at this for now. I have more time, more time to live and I plan on taking advantage of that time, and not just letting it slip away as I did before.