Being Comfortable

Thursday evening, after watching Trinidad, I was out in front of the theater talking to a few friends. To set the scene a little bit and put my thoughts and feelings into perspective, the theater was on Austin’s 6th street. For those of you who are not familiar with 6th Street in Austin, this is a main area for live music, bars, and is heavily trafficked by college students, especially on the weekends. This last Thursday was not different, UT was not is session, so all the college students were looking to get out and have a little fun.

As we stood on the corner in front of a bar next the the theater, college students strolled by on their way to an evening likely filled with too much alcohol and a lot of raucous fun, you know, the kind we used to have back when we were that age. The topic came up about me and my transition and what brought me to the point I am at. We were covering this topic since I had just met one of the people who was with us. I covered my story and what brought me to the point I was at, and then went into some of my current feelings about my transition. For those who know me, you know that I am proceeding rather confidently through my transition, forging ahead with each new step determined making the best of it. I then began to comment on how I felt being out in public as myself, as Kathryn.

I commented on how much more comfortable I was at that moment, standing on that corner, surrounded by college students, much more so than I would have been if I were standing there in “guy mode.” If I were in “guy mode,” I would have been much more self conscious and just not comfortable being out there. I commented on how this is how I have always felt I was meant to be, and I just fell more comfortable this way. There is not stress, no incongruity, no conflicting feelings, just peace and calm. 

In many ways, it is hard to imagine why I had waited so long to take these steps towards transition. I have known for many years that this was a journey I would take, I only kept putting it off. I avoided the issue for fear of rejection, and fear of knowing that it was entirely possible for me to transition successfully. Back then, I had so little confidence in myself, that I couldn’t take that first step. Instead, I went through many years of being uncomfortable every time I was in public. I many ways, it was like walking out the front door naked. I always felt like people were looking at me and judging me by the way I moved. I always tried to walk “more masculine,” and appear to be nothing less than a man. 

To be out as myself is so different. It is such a more genuine way of being for me. The thoughts go through all of our heads when we take our first steps out into the world, dressing for the first time, going to dinner or the store for the first time, the thoughts that,”everyone is looking at me.” For me, those thoughts faded away. I felt less of the “everyone” is looking at more, and more of just a few people may be looking at me. I began to feel more at peace with my surroundings, and more at peace with how I was presenting to the world. In short, I felt more confident. I did have nervousness about interacting with some people, and still do to some extent. As I get out more, that nervousness decreases. I can, however, walk down the street, or walk through the mall without the feeling that people are looking at me and judging my presentation. 

These steps just seem to continue to confirm for me that I am on the right path. They give me confidence to keep moving forward, to push ahead and take the next step. Everything about transition has just felt right. I can honestly say that nothing I have done in my life to date has felt as right as transition does to me. I think part of this comes from the fact that I accepted my gender identity many years ago, and accepted the fact that some day I would transition. I just put it off, until I was coaxed out of my shell and given the opportunity that I needed. I was pulled out of the dark by someone who was supportive and just wanted to see me happy. She did it at a time when things seemed so dark and each night I fell asleep wishing for the opportunity to transition. Because of this, I hit the ground running. I was ready, it was time for me to be me.

Now, I proceed forward with my life, with anticipation that I will finally be comfortable with who I am. With the self confidence that it doesn’t matter what others think of my decision to transition, that it doesn’t matter if people are looking at the way I move or the way I am dressed. What matters for me to be happy is that I am being true to myself. I not longer have to navigate through life being uncomfortable in my own skin. I am shedding that shell, and trading it for a presentation that I am comfortable with. I am getting more confident, more out going, and this is all because I am comfortable.