In about a week, I will come out to my mother. She is coming for a visit starting tomorrow, and she will be here for a little over two weeks. I decided to wait until about a week into her visit for a couple of reasons. One of those being my daughters birthday. If for some reason things do not go well, I do not want a cloud hanging over my daughters birthday party.
I waited until I would see her face to face. I did not want to do this over the phone, via an e-mail, or my letter. For me, I need to tell each of my parents face to face. But, I am nervous about this. I don’t think that things will go bad. I know it will not be easy, it isn’t for any parent. But, I think that she will be supportive for the most part. And, still, I am nervous.
A short while go, I told my spouse I was nervous about it, and I broke down in tears. I fight them back now as I type. Not as easy as it used to be. I used to have to fight to make myself cry when I needed to, now I have to fight to hold it back at times. I think I am most apprehensive about spending the next week in limbo, not being able to tell her, and wanting to desperately to tell her. That makes it harder. Part of me wonders if I will be able to wait that long, if I can hold out. If I cannot, I need a back-up plan, an alternative. I am just not sure what that is yet.
Last Monday, I spoke with my friend who I came out to. She was great, just like she had always been. She teased me like she always does, and I teased he back. I did not feel any difference in our friendship. Just like I knew it would be. She again expressed her first concern when she read my letter, that I would be alone, that she did not want me to feel that I was alone. I am not alone. I have her, my spouse, my sister-in-law. I have a strong support network building up around me.
At times it feels so foolish to have doubted that any of them would not stand by me, that they would turn tails and run. They have not, they have shown that they are the people I have always known them to be. And yet, despite the successes of the past, I worry about failure in the future. With each time I come out, I worry anew that I will be rejected, that I will face loss. It is not a pleasant feeling, not one that I want to experience, but one that is a part of this journey.
We all face the fears of rejection, but we are often surprised by the love of our friends and family. Love that transcends our gender, a love that is founded on who we are. That part of us that does not change with transition, the core of our being, often freed to be more genuine by the process of transition. If only there were more people like them in this world, more people who cared about people without prejudice, without preconceptions. Unfortunately, they are all to rare.
I feel like I am moving into a void for the next week, forced to live full time in the one world I no longer want to inhabit, the male world. No time to be me, less privacy, more worry. I know that in the end, no matter how things turn out, I will be alright because of the support that I do have. I may not be around much for a week or two, adding even more to my apprehension. But I will be back, I will be here to write about what has happened in the intervening time. To express my joy or my sadness. For now, I move forward, happy my mom is coming, and nervous about what the visit will hold.
BIG hug and the best of luck……..
I’m glad you have support. Good luck. I hope it goes well.
Good luck! I hope it goes as well telling your mom as it did when you told your best friend. =)
I can feel your dread of having to hold it in by what you wrote. I feel for you, but I sense you being able to tell her face to face, to look into your mother’s spirit while baring your own soul, will be beneficial.
I’m here for you as you go through this, hon. Good luck!
Love and hugs across the Atlantic
I think your mother already knows that she has a very special daughter, although it is quite possible that she has not put all the pieces together. Your mother may not yet have drawn the right conclusion, but she has to know that there is something very unique about you. Mothers watch over their children to make sure that all is well. You constantly do that with your own children. All IS well with you (or is quickly becoming that way), but her conception of WHAT you are may be a little different. WHO you are will be the same but perhaps stronger and certainly more honest and open.
In reading your blog over the past few months, it is obvious to me that I have been reading the words of a young woman. Sure, the mechanics of transition are new to you, and you are encountering all kinds of new situations, but you are approaching things as a woman and describing them that way. Your mother will certainly notice that your perspective is not that of an ordinary male and probably never has been. I bet that she will see that things about you that didn’t fit right before now make sense. She as a daughter.
I think your mother already knows that she has a very special daughter, although it is quite possible that she has not put all the pieces together. Your mother may not yet have drawn the right conclusion, but she has to know that there is something very unique about you. Mothers watch over their children to make sure that all is well. You constantly do that with your own children. All IS well with you (or is quickly becoming that way), but her conception of WHAT you are may be a little different. WHO you are will be the same but perhaps stronger and certainly more honest and open.
In reading your blog over the past few months, it is obvious to me that I have been reading the words of a young woman. Sure, the mechanics of transition are new to you, and you are encountering all kinds of new situations, but you are approaching things as a woman and describing them that way. Your mother will certainly notice that your perspective is not that of an ordinary male and probably never has been. I bet that she will see that things about you that didn’t fit right before now make sense. She has a daughter.