Over the last few days, I have really had an opportunity to begin reflecting on how I finally reached the point were I will be living my whole life as Kathryn. Tomorrow marks a major milestone in the journey. Tomorrow morning, at 8:30am, I go back to work after a nice vacation. No more suits and ties. Now, instead, it will be womens professional business attire, a much better was to go to work if you ask me. I would say that I am a little nervous, but mostly excited to finally be getting on with my life, and taking a step that I have been building towards over the last year, and have wanted for as long as I can remember.
The last year has been amazing. It’s hard to believe sometimes that I only came out for the first time a little over a year ago, February of last year to be exact, and now here I am living 24/7 as my authentic self and ready to go back to work. This journey has taken me so many places and allowed me to meet so many wonderful people. Some of those people inspired me to start blogging, and to dump Yahoo!360 an move my blog over to a real blogging platform, thank you Lori! There have also been ups and downs, but in so many ways life is so much sweeter today that it was before.
Yesterday was my birthday. Typically, I did not look forward to my birthdays. They were not really anything worth celebrating to me. Even those marked with some fan fare were just another reminder that time was passing me by. This year was so much different, I looked forward to this birthday, looked forward to the fact that for the first time in my life I would be celebrating my birthday as a woman, that I was no longer stuck in a male existence. I no longer had to dread to future, but could now look towards it with renewed hope and optimism for good things to come. So, I did enjoy my birthday, I didn’t do anything special, it was mellow and quiet but still so very good.
One thing I did do was go to the monthly CTTGS(Central Texas Transgender Society) Luncheon. I had not gone in some time, and this month actually marked one year since I first went to one of these luncheons. In a way it was one of those moments marking the fact that I had come full circle. Last April, I walked into the luncheon, recently having come out as trans, and I was nervous about what I would find there and how that would help steer me in the right direction as I began the process of figuring out where to really begin this journey. I went in totally presenting male. I hadn’t even begun to figure out how to dress and present female yet. In the end, I walked away feeling like I had really finally established a connection with the community. I had already connected with Karen and Tiana, but this was the next level of connection.
It was to go back for a moment to address something that I said in the last paragraph. I made statement about not having begun to figure out how to dress and present female. This was something that came up in a board somewhere early in my transition. You see, “crossdressing” was never really a part of my life at all. I did it a bit in my early teen years when I really struggled with my gender identity as puberty was hitting me like a mac truck (unfortunately it was not one carrying Mac cosmetics!) Crossdressing then was a way of trying to figure out why I was identifying so strongly with being female. I truly felt comfortable in those moments, but my hope was also that somehow I would wake up in the morning and be a girl. That never happened. I think the fact that the clothing and a good nights sleep never transformed me took away some of the “power” of the clothing. But then, it was never about the clothing. I did not have this strong urge to dress in women’s clothing, I just knew I was a girl and not a boy. It was about being accepted and viewed by society and those around me as a girl.
As I progressed into adulthood, there was not a big draw towards crossdressing. The knowledge that I always identified more as a woman than I man persisted, but part of me knew that it could not be satiated simply by wearing women’s clothing. There was so much more to this struggle that was being waged inside my head. Eventually, I figured out that I was trans, or at least put a name to what I experience my whole life and found out that the best way to deal with it was transition, exactly what I had wanted to do my whole life but did now know was possible. I finally found out that there were others like me, but I was terrified to tell anyone, so I continued to try and live their life. At this point, I knew that one day I would transition, I did not know when or how, but I knew that the time would come when I would have the opportunity or it would become a necessity for survival. Crossdressing still was never part of that equation. So, when the time came to transition, that is when I learned to dress and present female.
So, back to our regularly scheduled blog. A year has passed. It’s amazing to think of what can happen in a year. Just over nine months ago I started HRT. I started therapy a year ago this month. I learned to dress, do makeup, and present female. I feel like I still have a lot to learn about presenting female and blending in a bit more, but I am very happy with my presentation over all. I still feel like I have a ways to go on voice stuff, but I am working on it. I am mostly just so ready to finally be me. I have cleaned out all the male clothing. In fact, my five year old daughter enthusiastically ensured that all male clothing was removed from drawers and closets. She is so ready for me to be full time, and so happy that I finally am.
So, tomorrow morning, I will get up early. I will get ready for work just like any other day. The only difference will be that I will spend more time doing my hair, I will apply makeup, and I will put on clothes that match my gender identity. I will present on the outside how I feel on the inside. No longer will there be an incongruity. No longer will I feel like a woman in a suit. No longer will I have to struggle with a gender battle waging war inside my head. I can live in peace, happy with who I am. I can concentrate on getting on with my life and finally really living it!
Wow–what a great blog! Your story resonates with me on so many levels. It’s odd how one can go through life thinking that you are the only one “weird enough” to have such feelings, only to find you that you are not alone. Then accepting those feelings as an undeniable part of yourself and having the courage to live an authentic life. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it is so very much the right thing to do.
I’m very happy for you and I think you’ll have a wonderful day tomorrow!
As I see you step out of “transition” and into finally living completely true to yourself, I reminisce about just how far you’ve come, and how proud I feel for you.
The world ain’t seen the end of Kathryn. In fact, I’m certain we’ve barely seen the beginning.
God bless you tomorrow, dear Kathryn. You’ve already been a blessing to me.
This is wonderful and inspiring, Kathryn. I wish you the very best for your “first” day at work and for all the time to come. I don’t know you (got here from Lori’s link on T-Central), but this post is making me smile.
Congratulations, Kathryn! And good luck! I am so very, very happy for you.
Have a great first day at work Kathryn, We don’t know each other (via T-Central again) but my thoughts are with you and I’m looking forward to reading about it!
Eileen.
Truly happy for you, enjoy the awesomeness of this step of your journey!