Coming out to my children

 Last night, I did was I would consider to be the hardest and scariest part of my transition, I came out to my two daughters. This was something I have been wanting to do, and something I have been not wanting to do. No matter how much I want to be me, I am also very protective of my daughters. I wanted to shield them from any pain that could come from my transition. Was this ever a possibility? I kind of doubt it. Protecting them from any pain that could result from my transition would mean not transitioning at all. Not transitioning would cause them pain because of what it would do to me.

   We had talked, my spouse and I, for quite a while about when we would come out to my daughters. We agreed to wait until after the Holidays. So, now it was well after the holidays. The Christmas decorations have been put away, and the kids are already talking about next Christmas(and you thought the stores start early when the put out the Christmas stuff in July). So, it was time. I told my spouse that we should do it this weekend. On Saturday, we she called my sister-in-law to let her know that we would be coming out to the girls today. We did this because my niece and nephew are like siblings to my kids. They all spend time together every day, so we knew that we would either have to tell them together. or at least close together. The decision was made to tell them all at the same time.

Well, we had eased into the day, meaning we slept in, lounged around in our pajamas,took at nap,  and finally decided we needed to get out of the house a little bit before the day was over. We went out to dinner with the girls and then came back to the house. My sister-in-law was out running errand with her kids, and it was late, after 9pm when she finally got over to our house. My girls are usually in bed by 9 on the weekends, but they were still up.

They were watching High School Musical, they love that movie, and we found a good break in the movie to stop and and start the conversation. I tried, as best I could, to explain the way that I had always felt, trying to put it in terms that the 5 and under crowd could understand. There were giggles and smiles. Then my oldest daughter looked at me and told me that she id not want me to change. This one statement felt like it tore my heart apart, and I began to cry. I tried to hold it back, but my mind raced between the potential pain that my transition would cause, and the pain that I would feel if I did not transition. My oldest began to cry too. I think that my sudden crying scared her.

Soon, her sister was crying too. They were tired, and now they were confused by what I was telling them, and scared of change. Change is not always an easy thing for kids. As any parent who has tried to change their child’s routine and the struggles that can follow. Meanwhile, my niece and nephew still seemed fine with everything. They said they were scared about my change, but they were still engaged in the conversation and appeared more curious than scared. We watched the documentary,”No Dumb Questions.” This helped them to see that they should be open and willing to ask questions, and my nephew was fascinated with seeing “Uncle Bill” as “Aunt Barbara” in the film.

Throughout all of this, my spouse and her sister were like rocks. When I was crying, while they did tear up, they help steady and strong. They reassured not only the children, but they also reassured me that everything would be ok and that I should not feel bad. They were amazing! My oldest daughter, although upset, held onto me. We went back to watching High School Musical, my oldest wanted to finish watching the movie. That night, both the girls slept with us.

This morning, I had to leave the house early. I had a meeting with the rest of the executive board from Transgender Education Network of Texas. We were meeting with a trans woman who was trying to see that a new homeless shelter project in San Antonio, Haven of Hope, would have trans friendly policies. We met with her to see what our organization could do to help. After that I had an appointment with my therapist. These sessions are usually more transition planning than anything else, but this time I really needed the session. It helped me to get some of my thoughts out about the way the previous evening had gone.

When I got home this afternoon, my spouse and the girls were still out. So, I changed back to “boy mode.” Yuck! I was hoping that coming out to my children would have gone a little smoother, and that I would be more free to present female in front of them, but I was now worried that this would take a bit longer.

They all got home not long after I changed. My spouse and her sister left my daughters and nephew with my, while they went with my niece to talk to the parents of my nieces friend. Since I was out to the kids, it was time to let some of their friends parents know what was going on. Shortly after being dropped off, my daughter came up to me and asked,”When are you becoming a girl.” I told her that it would be a few more months. I asked her why she was asking. She then told me that she was excited about my transition. I asked her why, and she said that it was because we could do makeup and nails together. She was displaying genuine excitement about my transition, and the fact that I could do more girly things with her. She is very girly, and loves anything pink and girly!

  My nephew and daughter were genuinely excited and happy about my transition. Gone was the fear and confusion from the previous evening. Now they here bouncing and curious and happy. We talked more about the fact that there are times when I go out dressed as a woman, and that as time goes by I will do this more and more until I am doing it all the time. They thought that this was cool, and asked more question about it. My daughter asked about my wearing girl clothes and where I buy my clothes (if I but them at the same place as mommy). I eventually asked if they wanted to see a picture of me presenting female, and they said they did. I showed a picture, and they liked it. My daughter said I was beautiful!

In the last 24 hours, I went from scared a worried to feeling a lot more at ease about how my kids will handle my transition. They will still have occasional difficult times, but I know we will be able to get through those together. The growing excitement from my oldest daughter warms my heart, and it gives me strength. I know that the road ahead will not always be easy, but I am ready for the challenges it holds. I am relieved to have the weight of coming out to my daughters off my shoulders.

On a side note, this evening we went out to pick up a couple of movies and pick up some Chinese food for dinner. At both stops I got ma’amed. I was “presenting male,” but I think that my increasing confidence in my transition shows through, and my true self begins to shine through more and more.

Do they really know anything…….

In the last couple of weeks, I have heard several stories of coming out. While I am going through my own coming out process, other friends of mine are also coming out to their own families. During this time I have heard of family members going and talking to their therapists about what is going on. I bring this up, because time and time again I have heard these therapists giving extremely poorly informed advice. The responses have ranged from transition will be bad for the kids, they only good thing they can do is get divorced, and the only person who will be happy in the end is the person who is transitioning. Wow, right!?!?!?

Many of us remember that is was just a few short months ago that the APA released a position paper and guidelines concerning the treatment of transgender patients and the medical necessity of various transition related procedures. Obviously these therapists are not members of the APA, read only the negative parts of the position paper, have never knowing met a trans person, or just live in the bottom of some dark whole inhabited by trolls and Dr. Phil. 

Many of the remarks and “advice” I have heard show me that there is still a lot of work to be done to educate the mental health profession about trans issues. These therpists don’t realize that there are numerous examples of marriages that survive transition, healthy happy children with trans parents, and family members who are very happy after transition. They are under the mistaken, misinformed, or biased opinion that transition ruins the lives of everyone around the person transitioning. 

I will admit and share that there are members of my family who are struggling a little to come to terms with the fact that I am undergoing a gender transition. There are still accepting, but they are going through the process of realizing that my male persona is “dying” and that they will have to get used to the new me. This is a normal process. Ask my mom, I am sure she will tell you the first few days or weeks were not easy, but in the end she realizes that I will be a happier, more self confident, more alive, and more loving person because of my transition. She is happy and she is proud to be the parent of her trans daughter. This didn’t ruin her life.

Transition creates changes in our lives, but it does not ruin the lives of those around us. I think many of these “therapists” subscribe to the theory that you put off transition at all costs, or, if you do transition, you leave everything and everyone behind. After all, you might as well make a clean break so they can get on with their lives without having to deal with a freak in the family! I thought we left that way of thinking behind us a long time ago. 

Today, we are out and we are proud to be trans. Many of us keep our jobs, our friends, our families. We enrich the lives of those around us because we are finally whole, we are the person that we were meant to be. For the first time in our lives, we can be happy and content. Because we are not worried, scared, or depressed, those around us are no longer affected by the struggle that we hid for so many years. Instead of thinking,”What’s wrong with him,” they can think,”Wow, she is so alive!” 

This is not to say that some families don’t suffer. Yes, there are families that find it difficult to adjust to a transitioning family member, whether it me a husband/wife, son/daughter, aunt/uncle, or mother/father. There are some families that struggle to accept the transitioning individual. But even such difficulties may not justify such drastic “advice.” 

There is a long way to go in educating our mental health professionals. The unfortunate result of misinformed advice and opinions is all too often pain and hurt. The APA took an important step in August when it released its position paper. I hope that the future will show some follow through. I hope that efforts will be taken to increase the level of education and understanding amongst mental health professionals when it comes to trans related issues. We don’t need such potentially hurtful and misguided advice being given out to family members. Mental health professionals who lack first hand experience working with trans people or families of trans people should be willing to admit that they are not experts in the area of transition and refrain from sharing uninformed opinions on transition.

Feeling Vulnerable

In about a week, I will come out to my mother. She is coming for a visit starting tomorrow, and she will be here for a little over two weeks. I decided to wait until about a week into her visit for a couple of reasons. One of those being my daughters birthday. If for some reason things do not go well, I do not want a cloud hanging over my daughters birthday party. 

I waited until I would see her face to face. I did not want to do this over the phone, via an e-mail, or my letter. For me, I need to tell each of my parents face to face. But, I am nervous about this. I don’t think that things will go bad. I know it will not be easy, it isn’t for any parent. But, I think that she will be supportive for the most part. And, still, I am nervous. 

A short while go, I told my spouse I was nervous about it, and I broke down in tears. I fight them back now as I type. Not as easy as it used to be. I used to have to fight to make myself cry when I needed to, now I have to fight to hold it back at times. I think I am most apprehensive about spending the  next week in limbo, not being able to tell her, and wanting to desperately to tell her. That makes it harder. Part of me wonders if I will be able to wait that long, if I can hold out. If I cannot, I need a back-up plan, an alternative. I am just not sure what that is yet.

Last Monday, I spoke with my friend who I came out to. She was great, just like she had always been. She teased me like she always does, and I teased he back. I did not feel any difference in our friendship. Just like I knew it would be. She again expressed her first concern when she read my letter, that I would be alone, that she did not want me to feel that I was alone. I am not alone. I have her, my spouse, my sister-in-law. I have a strong support network building up around me. 

At times it feels so foolish to have doubted that any of them would not stand by me, that they would turn tails and run. They have not, they have shown that they are the people I have always known them to be. And yet, despite the successes of the past, I worry about failure in the future. With each time I come out, I worry anew that I will be rejected, that I will face loss. It is not a pleasant feeling, not one that I want to experience, but one that is a part of this journey. 

We all face the fears of rejection, but we are often surprised by the love of our friends and family. Love that transcends our gender, a love that is founded on who we are. That part of us that does not change with transition, the core of our being, often freed to be more genuine by the process of transition. If only there were more people like them in this world, more people who cared about people without prejudice, without preconceptions. Unfortunately, they are all to rare.

I feel like I am moving into a void for the next week, forced to live full time in the one world I no longer want to inhabit, the male world. No time to be me, less privacy, more worry. I know that in the end, no matter how things turn out, I will be alright because of the support that I do have. I may not be around much for a week or two, adding even more to my apprehension. But I will be back, I will be here to write about what has happened in the intervening time. To express my joy or my sadness. For now, I move forward, happy my mom is coming, and nervous about what the visit will hold.

Children as a Weapon

I have been thinking about children and transition again. I wrote about this before after I had read a blog post suggesting that not telling our children right away can be harmful to them. In the last week I have come across a few other things that have bothered me. For those who don’t much about me, I have two young daughters, ages 2 and 4. To say that the topic of transition and children is one that is close to my heart is an understatement. I absolutely adore my girls, and I would do anything to protect them from anything I think would harm them. I am not over protective, but I am protective of them. They are part of the reason I left law enforcement, I want to be there for them. The other reason I left was because I could not go on being Mr. Macho anymore. Two years later, I came out and stated transitioning.

Anyway, back on topic here before I veer off into a who other topic. There were really two issues sets of circumstances that I read about. One involved a friend who’s spouse insinuated that her being trans might be turning one of their children trans. The other situation involved some saying that they stopping transition, and putting it off until their children were grown. The reason being that their spouse and family said it would damage the children. 

Both of these situations bring up some very strong feeling in me. In both of these situation, it feels to me that the children are being used against the transitioning spouse. Anyone of us who have children know how strong the parental protection instinct is. We want to protect our children, and we would never do anything to intentionally hurt our children. Our spouses and family know these feelings and emotions too. In some cases, they try and use these against us. After all, I doubt any of us would do anything to intentionally hurt our children. I know that I would not. 

Why do family members do this? I think part of the reason is because of the strong emotional bond. The fear of losing our children. Many people hold off transition until late in life because of their children. I am in no way saying this is a bad choice. It is, however, not one that I can make. I have, in the short time since I came out and began transitioning, have witnessed my children flourish even more. They are happier, more self confident, more loving, and just seem better adjusted. They do not yet know that I am trans, but they do know that I am happier and that I am more involved with them. I am no longer distant and depressed, I am now more fully engaged in life.

Some family members see children as a means to stop someone from transitioning. They fear losing the person they have known their whole life, they rear the transition process, they fear transsexuality, in short, they do not understand. I have heard time and time again how well children handle transition, especially when the non-trans parent is supportive. The difficulties arise when that spouse if negative and actively and outwardly resists the transition. In these cases, the non-trans spouse often tries to put the children between the trans spouse and transition. They use the children as a weapon against transition. The fear of the unknown can bring out the worst in some people. 

I don’t know if there is an answer to preventing such reactions. Education is certainly a start. There are several resources about children and transition, such as:

http://www.colage.org/programs/trans/ko … -guide.pdf

http://community.pflag.org/NETCOMMUNITY … &srcid=380

I think that any person who is contemplating transition, and who has children needs to be prepared. There are going to be enough fears about losing “you” and those may end up being projected onto your children. Be prepared to talk about the affect it will have on your children. My spouse asked me how I thought it would affect our children. I told her that I believed it would make them better more accepting people. That they would understand diversity more fully and learn to judge people not for how they appear, but for who they are. Not transitioning would have meant years of depression for me, and this would have not only taken its toll on me, but it would have had a negative affect on my children as well. Our children don’t care how we look, they love us for who we are. Why not let them see more of who we are.