Coming out to my children

 Last night, I did was I would consider to be the hardest and scariest part of my transition, I came out to my two daughters. This was something I have been wanting to do, and something I have been not wanting to do. No matter how much I want to be me, I am also very protective of my daughters. I wanted to shield them from any pain that could come from my transition. Was this ever a possibility? I kind of doubt it. Protecting them from any pain that could result from my transition would mean not transitioning at all. Not transitioning would cause them pain because of what it would do to me.

   We had talked, my spouse and I, for quite a while about when we would come out to my daughters. We agreed to wait until after the Holidays. So, now it was well after the holidays. The Christmas decorations have been put away, and the kids are already talking about next Christmas(and you thought the stores start early when the put out the Christmas stuff in July). So, it was time. I told my spouse that we should do it this weekend. On Saturday, we she called my sister-in-law to let her know that we would be coming out to the girls today. We did this because my niece and nephew are like siblings to my kids. They all spend time together every day, so we knew that we would either have to tell them together. or at least close together. The decision was made to tell them all at the same time.

Well, we had eased into the day, meaning we slept in, lounged around in our pajamas,took at nap,  and finally decided we needed to get out of the house a little bit before the day was over. We went out to dinner with the girls and then came back to the house. My sister-in-law was out running errand with her kids, and it was late, after 9pm when she finally got over to our house. My girls are usually in bed by 9 on the weekends, but they were still up.

They were watching High School Musical, they love that movie, and we found a good break in the movie to stop and and start the conversation. I tried, as best I could, to explain the way that I had always felt, trying to put it in terms that the 5 and under crowd could understand. There were giggles and smiles. Then my oldest daughter looked at me and told me that she id not want me to change. This one statement felt like it tore my heart apart, and I began to cry. I tried to hold it back, but my mind raced between the potential pain that my transition would cause, and the pain that I would feel if I did not transition. My oldest began to cry too. I think that my sudden crying scared her.

Soon, her sister was crying too. They were tired, and now they were confused by what I was telling them, and scared of change. Change is not always an easy thing for kids. As any parent who has tried to change their child’s routine and the struggles that can follow. Meanwhile, my niece and nephew still seemed fine with everything. They said they were scared about my change, but they were still engaged in the conversation and appeared more curious than scared. We watched the documentary,”No Dumb Questions.” This helped them to see that they should be open and willing to ask questions, and my nephew was fascinated with seeing “Uncle Bill” as “Aunt Barbara” in the film.

Throughout all of this, my spouse and her sister were like rocks. When I was crying, while they did tear up, they help steady and strong. They reassured not only the children, but they also reassured me that everything would be ok and that I should not feel bad. They were amazing! My oldest daughter, although upset, held onto me. We went back to watching High School Musical, my oldest wanted to finish watching the movie. That night, both the girls slept with us.

This morning, I had to leave the house early. I had a meeting with the rest of the executive board from Transgender Education Network of Texas. We were meeting with a trans woman who was trying to see that a new homeless shelter project in San Antonio, Haven of Hope, would have trans friendly policies. We met with her to see what our organization could do to help. After that I had an appointment with my therapist. These sessions are usually more transition planning than anything else, but this time I really needed the session. It helped me to get some of my thoughts out about the way the previous evening had gone.

When I got home this afternoon, my spouse and the girls were still out. So, I changed back to “boy mode.” Yuck! I was hoping that coming out to my children would have gone a little smoother, and that I would be more free to present female in front of them, but I was now worried that this would take a bit longer.

They all got home not long after I changed. My spouse and her sister left my daughters and nephew with my, while they went with my niece to talk to the parents of my nieces friend. Since I was out to the kids, it was time to let some of their friends parents know what was going on. Shortly after being dropped off, my daughter came up to me and asked,”When are you becoming a girl.” I told her that it would be a few more months. I asked her why she was asking. She then told me that she was excited about my transition. I asked her why, and she said that it was because we could do makeup and nails together. She was displaying genuine excitement about my transition, and the fact that I could do more girly things with her. She is very girly, and loves anything pink and girly!

  My nephew and daughter were genuinely excited and happy about my transition. Gone was the fear and confusion from the previous evening. Now they here bouncing and curious and happy. We talked more about the fact that there are times when I go out dressed as a woman, and that as time goes by I will do this more and more until I am doing it all the time. They thought that this was cool, and asked more question about it. My daughter asked about my wearing girl clothes and where I buy my clothes (if I but them at the same place as mommy). I eventually asked if they wanted to see a picture of me presenting female, and they said they did. I showed a picture, and they liked it. My daughter said I was beautiful!

In the last 24 hours, I went from scared a worried to feeling a lot more at ease about how my kids will handle my transition. They will still have occasional difficult times, but I know we will be able to get through those together. The growing excitement from my oldest daughter warms my heart, and it gives me strength. I know that the road ahead will not always be easy, but I am ready for the challenges it holds. I am relieved to have the weight of coming out to my daughters off my shoulders.

On a side note, this evening we went out to pick up a couple of movies and pick up some Chinese food for dinner. At both stops I got ma’amed. I was “presenting male,” but I think that my increasing confidence in my transition shows through, and my true self begins to shine through more and more.

Always a Friend

Earlier this week I had sent off a coming out letter to a friend of mine. Actually I had sent it off last Sunday, but, I forgot to attach to letter to the e-mail. I took a couple e-mails back and forth for me to realize that I had not attached the letter. So, I finally got it off to him.

A little back ground. This is a friend that I went to high school with, and friend that, while there may be times where we only speak once or twice a year, we pick up like no time has gone by. I was in his wedding, actually I have been in lots of friends weddings, always a groomsman, and never a bridesmaid, no fair! Anyway, this is a friendship I value highly, despite the distance of time and geography it is a close friendship. In his response to my letter, he expressed his continuing friendship and support, and we sent a few more e-mail back and forth and agreed to talk on Saturday, tonight. 

Once I got out of work, I picked up the phone and gave him a call. Just as always, even though it had probably actually been a year since we last spoke, the conversation flowed as if we had just chatted yesterday, sign of a good friendship in my book. We talked about work, and then he asked my about my job security concerning my transition. He knew the perfect way to segway into the topic. It was actually a perfect segway, since we both work in the financial services industry and job security it not that great right now. He expressed that when first reading my letter to him his primary concern was my job security. In other words, he wanted to know that as I transitioned that I would be ok. He was not phased by my transitioning.

We continued to talk, going back and forth between our lives, my transition, the economy, transition. Our typical conversation, of course transition was a whole new topic for us. It was a great conversation. He expressed that fact that our friendship is one that he values, that he holds dear those times that we spent together in the past, the things that we have done, and the bond that we have formed. He expressed that no matter my name or presentation I am and always will be his friend. He kind of brought me to tears with his words. I help it in as best I could, as I was driving at the time. He also repeatedly let me know that he was there for me if I just needed someone to talk to. 

After our conversation, I reflected on many of my friendships. I reflected on why they were friends that I wanted to spend time with. Many of these friends are guys, which, to be honest, I was rarely comfortable “hanging out with the guys.” But, with many of m friends, it was not like hanging out with the guys. Macho masculine stuff was not really what we did. There was no sitting around grunting watching football, there was no proving how masculine we could be. When I was with my friends, I could realy be me for the most part. Not totally, but I didn’t have to prove anything to them, and that made me feel comfortable. Yes, this friend and I worked out together a lot, but it was different. In high school, even when we were pushing ourselves to the limit, it wasn’t about being masculine so much about performing at the best level we could. It was different.

Tonight, I sit here knowing that I have another friend who will still be here when my male persona is long gone. I know I have a friend who sees the true nature of friendship, and who realizes that what is important is what is on the inside, not how we present our gender.

Do they really know anything…….

In the last couple of weeks, I have heard several stories of coming out. While I am going through my own coming out process, other friends of mine are also coming out to their own families. During this time I have heard of family members going and talking to their therapists about what is going on. I bring this up, because time and time again I have heard these therapists giving extremely poorly informed advice. The responses have ranged from transition will be bad for the kids, they only good thing they can do is get divorced, and the only person who will be happy in the end is the person who is transitioning. Wow, right!?!?!?

Many of us remember that is was just a few short months ago that the APA released a position paper and guidelines concerning the treatment of transgender patients and the medical necessity of various transition related procedures. Obviously these therapists are not members of the APA, read only the negative parts of the position paper, have never knowing met a trans person, or just live in the bottom of some dark whole inhabited by trolls and Dr. Phil. 

Many of the remarks and “advice” I have heard show me that there is still a lot of work to be done to educate the mental health profession about trans issues. These therpists don’t realize that there are numerous examples of marriages that survive transition, healthy happy children with trans parents, and family members who are very happy after transition. They are under the mistaken, misinformed, or biased opinion that transition ruins the lives of everyone around the person transitioning. 

I will admit and share that there are members of my family who are struggling a little to come to terms with the fact that I am undergoing a gender transition. There are still accepting, but they are going through the process of realizing that my male persona is “dying” and that they will have to get used to the new me. This is a normal process. Ask my mom, I am sure she will tell you the first few days or weeks were not easy, but in the end she realizes that I will be a happier, more self confident, more alive, and more loving person because of my transition. She is happy and she is proud to be the parent of her trans daughter. This didn’t ruin her life.

Transition creates changes in our lives, but it does not ruin the lives of those around us. I think many of these “therapists” subscribe to the theory that you put off transition at all costs, or, if you do transition, you leave everything and everyone behind. After all, you might as well make a clean break so they can get on with their lives without having to deal with a freak in the family! I thought we left that way of thinking behind us a long time ago. 

Today, we are out and we are proud to be trans. Many of us keep our jobs, our friends, our families. We enrich the lives of those around us because we are finally whole, we are the person that we were meant to be. For the first time in our lives, we can be happy and content. Because we are not worried, scared, or depressed, those around us are no longer affected by the struggle that we hid for so many years. Instead of thinking,”What’s wrong with him,” they can think,”Wow, she is so alive!” 

This is not to say that some families don’t suffer. Yes, there are families that find it difficult to adjust to a transitioning family member, whether it me a husband/wife, son/daughter, aunt/uncle, or mother/father. There are some families that struggle to accept the transitioning individual. But even such difficulties may not justify such drastic “advice.” 

There is a long way to go in educating our mental health professionals. The unfortunate result of misinformed advice and opinions is all too often pain and hurt. The APA took an important step in August when it released its position paper. I hope that the future will show some follow through. I hope that efforts will be taken to increase the level of education and understanding amongst mental health professionals when it comes to trans related issues. We don’t need such potentially hurtful and misguided advice being given out to family members. Mental health professionals who lack first hand experience working with trans people or families of trans people should be willing to admit that they are not experts in the area of transition and refrain from sharing uninformed opinions on transition.

Day of Remebrance

November 20th is fast approaching. For anyone who does not know, November 20th is the day when we recognize Transgender Day of Remembrance(DOR). This is a time for us to look back on the last year, and remember those who were violently taken from us for no other reason than being gender non-conforming. This is the first DOR that I will be taking part in, in fact, prior to my starting the coming out process, I had not even heard of DOR prior to March of this year. If I had know about it before, would I have attended? Probably not, mostly for fear of being outed, fear of people figuring out my deep dark secret. 

It is only now, now that I have finally come to terms with the incongruity between my body and my soul that I can finally be free to pay my respects to those whose lives were cut so terribly short. Transition has, in fact, freed me to do so many other things. Namely of course to be me. Though I still have some time before I go full time, the fact that I finally have space is so much better than having non at all. I still face the dislike for having to spend part of my days in “boy mode.” Not really a big fan of that term anymore, not sure what it is about it, I think because that assumes that I spend part of my time in “girl mode,” which makes my time as Kathryn seem like something constructed or made up, like it is something that I put on. It’s interesting how I start to contemplate those terms and euphemisms that are so prevalent in the community. There are so many out there, some that are accepted, some that are not. The degree to which terms are accepted also varies from person to person, or from region to region.  Take for example, crossdresser and transvestite. There are two terms used to describe people who identify and live as one gender, but enjoy spending some time dressed as the opposite gender. In the United States, transvestite has fallen out of favor, but in Britain it is still acceptable. It’s almost like we have out own transgender language with regional dialects.

Anyway, I think I am getting way off topic here. Back to DOR for a moment. If you haven’t looked for your local event, I highly encourage you to do so. One place you can go it this years DOR website at:http://www.transgenderdor.org/. If you area is not listed, but there is an event going on let Ethan know so he can get the event up on the site. There have been a lot of additions to the events list the last few weeks. This is a good time for those of us who are trans to stand up against violence against our community. If you are a trans ally, this is a good time to stand up and let people know that you support the trans community. 

As we all know, there has been a lot going on politically the last week or so. I wasn’t sure how much I was going to get into politics here, but I guess there are a few important things to say. We saw a major shift in this last election, and opportunity to fix some of what is broken. The one thing that I caution people in is expecting an over night fix from President-Elect Obama. It took Bush a few years to mess things up, and it will take a few years to get things back in order. There are a lot of expectations placed on this man, and I think he is the kind of leader we need to make some significant changes. I know that many people in the LGBT community in general are hoping that the gains made in congress might renew the promise of an inclusive ENDA. I too hope for that, but we also need to realize that those who dropped us from ENDA are still in office. We need to keep on them. Obama said he would sign an inclusive ENDA, so make sure you are lobbying your representatives for such. I have not participated in a lobby day before, but I am seriously considering it.  NCTE will be hosting its annual lobby day April 26th through the 28th. Like I said, I have never done this before, but I will probably be there. Besides that it is right around the time I plan on going full time, so what better time to get out there and be more visibly active!

Now a few words about prop 8, or H8 as some are calling it. I’m not going to sit here and try and dissect what when wrong, but if I ran that campaign I would have…… Just kidding I said I wouldn’t and I won’t. I am however very disappointed in the results. Vicki Kolakowski did a recent interview on Trans-Ponder in which she mentioned how some in the trans community did not feel that prop H8 applies to them. Right now, for many of them they may be right. The members of our community who are straight identified and post-op, this may not apply to them fully. Vicky explains, however that it may still affect all of us. If you are in a legally heterosexual marriage, and go through divorce or one of you passes away, your gender may be challenged. If so, the court may decide that you are not in a prop 8 marriage, and eliminate property rights or other privileges of marriage. There are still times and places where someone could try and use your trans status to reduce or void your marriage. This is not just an LGB issue, this can affect all of us. That is all I will say on the topic. 

Ok, enough politics. I’m getting too tired now. One last, and very important thing, a friend of mine has had a very difficult time with coming out to her family. Please stop by her blog on Yahoo360 and show her some support. I think she really needs some words of support and encouragement right now.

More coming out

I’m actually writing this blog from the San Francisco airport. I am on my way back home after spending the weekend out here. I came out for a friends wedding, and also to come out to my dad, my step-mom, and my brother.

    Over the last few weeks, and especially the last few days, I have worried and wondered what their reactions would be. I have hoped for the best, but also deep down inside feared the worst. All along, however, my intuition told me that it would be alright.

On Sunday morning, I had brunch with some of the family. My grandmother was there, and not terribly thrilled about my long hair. Even going so far as to asking me if I would be cutting it prior to an upcoming business trip I have planned for next month. I basically said that I like it long and that I would not be cutting it. Other than that, we had a nice brunch. My grandmother is getting up there in age, she will be 91 soon. I rather felt like this may be the last time I will see her. Not because of transition, but because of her age and health. Time is catching up to her, and it is now really taking its toll on her. It was a sad day because of my thoughts around that. I love my grandmother dearly, but I have also worried the most about her reaction to my coming out as being trans. She is old fashioned, and probably the most religious person in the family. As of right now, I will likely not tell her, but that can change.

After brunch, I manager to make some time to spend with my dad and step-mom. I needed this time, for one I had not seen my dad in a year, and my step-mom in two years. As we began our walk, I basically came right out and said it. I went with the direct approach. I was met with immediate acceptance, understanding, support, love, and a whole bunch of other wonderful emotions. I was told that they support me no matter what, that they want me to be happy, that many of the decisions I have made in the past now make perfect sense. They were wonderful. We had a great conversation about my transition, my family, my future, my work, and everything that is affected by this journey I am undertaking. I wish only that we had more time with them. I cannot tell you how much of a weight lifted from my shoulders with their words of love and support. They even asked when they could start calling me Kathryn, and I said when ever you are ready. Talk about cool! Like my mom and step-dad, they seem to really get it. I am so fortunate to have such wonderful parents, I truly feel fortunate.

After getting my dad and step-mom on the road to their house, I headed over to my moms. Later this same evening I would be coming out to my brother. Another process  that had worried me for some time. I had spent a lot of time talking to my spouse, my mom, my therapist about my worries with him. He came to my moms house for dinner, and unexpectedly brought his kids with him. A small kink in the plan, but hey we were able to work around it. After dinner, the time was right, and my mom and I suggested we go for a little walk outside as there was something I wanted to talk to him about. When we got outside, I went once again with the fairly direct approach, framing it slightly in the context of my not being into sport, drinking, or drinking while watching sports (all things he loves to do but I hate to do!). I then told him I was trans. He had a quiet shocked look on his face at first. My mom then began to share her thoughts, her acceptance, and her support. After some time the look of shock wore away, and was replaced by words of assurance that he would support me no matter what. He did not have many questions yet, though I am sure they will come. Of all I worry about the short term emotional needs. He will probably need the most after coming out follow-up, just to help he deal with his own emotions around it. Dealing with emotions is not his strong suit.

All in all, coming out this weekend went extremely well. I sometimes have to pinch myself, though I always felt that my family would be just as loving and supportive as they have been. My wife also told her parents and brothers this weekend while I was out of town. Again they all voiced their concern, their support, and their love for me. Words and support that touched me to tears. I only wish there were more people in this world like those in my family and those in my wifes family. They represent the true meaning of family. The idea that family is there to love and support no matter what, to only wish the best for those you love, and to hope that those you love find happiness, even if it means transitioning your gender. I feel that, now, my relationships with my friends and family will be deeper and more genuine, and more real than ever before.

Well, I am running out of batteries as I type here at the airport. I thank my friends out there who kept me in their thoughts as I made this journey to take the next important step in coming out. Thank you to all of you.

First time for everything

I’m spending this weekend in the San Francisco area. Part of the reason for my visit is to come out to some more family members, my brother and my father. I also took the opportunity to see my mom again, just a few weeks after her visit and coming out to her. We were also having lunch with a friend of mine, to whom I was also already out. So, it was nice to be able to see them and visit with them.

  Prior to lunch, my mom and I headed over to Target, as I had a couple of things I needed to pick up. After getting what we needed, my mom and I got in line. This was a particularly busy Target, so we got in one of the shorter lines. Soon after we got in line, I heard a target employee right behind me say “excuse me sir.” I turned towards her, and she looked directly at me. At that point, she said,”I’m sorry ma’am.” She then told me that we could go to the customer service desk to make our purchase to bypass the longer lines. This was the first time I have been ma’am-ed. It was such a good feeling to be addressed by feminine pronouns and as the gender with which I identify. Especially since I was completely in guy mode. I was wearing a button down shirt and jeans, “regular guy” clothes. It was interesting that once she looking me in the face, she then gendered me as female and corrected her pronouns.

I think a lot of times, early in transition, we wonder when this time will come. For us the changes are so gradual and incremental that we don’t see them all. We wonder if people will be able to view us as female, and yet that day comes, the day when someone genders us as female and addresses us by female pronouns. It is moments such as this that tells us we are on our way. This was a great boost to my trip, a real pump to my ego.

Now, I am preparing mentally for more coming out this weekend. I will be coming out to my dad and my brother. Am I nervous, hell yeah. I think that overall, things will go well, but I am still pretty nervous about it. Tonight, my spouse told her parents. We have not really had a chance to discuss how it went, but she told me that they are understanding and supportive. Another step in the right direction. The day is getting closer when I will be out to everyone I know, with the exception of those I work with. This brings that closer, the day when I will be out at work and living full time as my true self. I think that the more space I have to be myself, the more I realize that transition and full time are not that far away. That soon, I will be able to face the world as myself, to no longer be forced to be someone that I am not. For now, I look forward to the next time I get ma’am-ed!

Relief- Coming out

I had been planning to come out to my mother today for some time now. As I mentioned before, I was quite nervous about this process, as I think many of us are. We fear losing those who we love, losing the connections we have built up over a life time, losing support during a time when we need it the most, in short, we fear rejection. This fear is renewed with each time we come out to someone else.

For me, coming out to my mother caused me so much fear. In the back of my mind I knew that I would never lose her love and acceptance, but, still, I feared for the worse. As this week went by, with her here visiting, I found it hard to hide the fact that I had something substantial on my mind. I could see it in her eyes that she knew I had something I needed to talk about. It began to eat me up. 

Last night, as I went to bed, my spouse asked me how I planned to go about coming out to my mom on Sunday. I was not sure if Sunday would be the right day. I told my spouse that I would do it on Monday.  Today came. We had fun with the girls in the morning, including a water balloon fight in which my mom and I both got soaked by little ones. After that I had some homework to do for school. I was also not feeling well. The stress of not talking to my mom was beginning to eat at me, and make me physically ill.  I managed to work my way through my reading, and then I curled up and I cried. With my face in my pillow I cried in my room until my spouse came in. I told her that I could not wait any longer and asked her to go get my mom.

She did, asking my mom to come upstairs for a minute. Then she gave the reassuring words of,”Be strong.” I don’t think she picked quite the right words before bringing my mom into our room. I was still in tears. After an long embrace, and reassuring my mom first that I was not dying, I explained to her what I have felt and known my whole life and that I was trans. She responded with love and support, concern and reassurance that her love for me would never change. We talked, we laughed, we cried a lot. We talked about hormones, transition, and what the future holds. Later we pulled my step father aside and I came out to him. Again I received words of love, understanding, and support.

A massive weight was lifted from my shoulder today. I received such unconditional love and support from some of the people from whom I value that kind of love and support from. I realized that I have to trust my gut instinct, that I know the people around me so very well. I have formed deep, loving, and trusting relationships with my close family and friends. These are relationship that transcend gender. We accept each other no matter what.

I sit her tonight so grateful for those I have around me, my spouse, my family, my friends. I have many more people to come out to in the future, but the future is a little brighter, a little easier to negotiate with each positive and supportive reaction. This is a difficult journey that we all make, it is one that is filled with so many unknowns. We never really know what lies ahead, how people will react, or what each day will hold. We push ahead anyway, we risk losing it all to become who we truly are inside, to bring our presentation into alignment with the person we are on the inside. We would not take these risks is this were not so vitally important to our living a meaningful and happy life. These are necessary steps. 

I took a risk today, even though it was one I was sure was not a huge risk, and I stepped away from it with the ability to be more honest and true with my mother than I have even been able to be. Her love is so important to me, and I love her so much. Thank you mom for being you and being my mom! And finally and thank you to my friends out there who voiced their support or silently kept me in their thoughts, you are all amazing and I love you all.

Feeling Vulnerable

In about a week, I will come out to my mother. She is coming for a visit starting tomorrow, and she will be here for a little over two weeks. I decided to wait until about a week into her visit for a couple of reasons. One of those being my daughters birthday. If for some reason things do not go well, I do not want a cloud hanging over my daughters birthday party. 

I waited until I would see her face to face. I did not want to do this over the phone, via an e-mail, or my letter. For me, I need to tell each of my parents face to face. But, I am nervous about this. I don’t think that things will go bad. I know it will not be easy, it isn’t for any parent. But, I think that she will be supportive for the most part. And, still, I am nervous. 

A short while go, I told my spouse I was nervous about it, and I broke down in tears. I fight them back now as I type. Not as easy as it used to be. I used to have to fight to make myself cry when I needed to, now I have to fight to hold it back at times. I think I am most apprehensive about spending the  next week in limbo, not being able to tell her, and wanting to desperately to tell her. That makes it harder. Part of me wonders if I will be able to wait that long, if I can hold out. If I cannot, I need a back-up plan, an alternative. I am just not sure what that is yet.

Last Monday, I spoke with my friend who I came out to. She was great, just like she had always been. She teased me like she always does, and I teased he back. I did not feel any difference in our friendship. Just like I knew it would be. She again expressed her first concern when she read my letter, that I would be alone, that she did not want me to feel that I was alone. I am not alone. I have her, my spouse, my sister-in-law. I have a strong support network building up around me. 

At times it feels so foolish to have doubted that any of them would not stand by me, that they would turn tails and run. They have not, they have shown that they are the people I have always known them to be. And yet, despite the successes of the past, I worry about failure in the future. With each time I come out, I worry anew that I will be rejected, that I will face loss. It is not a pleasant feeling, not one that I want to experience, but one that is a part of this journey. 

We all face the fears of rejection, but we are often surprised by the love of our friends and family. Love that transcends our gender, a love that is founded on who we are. That part of us that does not change with transition, the core of our being, often freed to be more genuine by the process of transition. If only there were more people like them in this world, more people who cared about people without prejudice, without preconceptions. Unfortunately, they are all to rare.

I feel like I am moving into a void for the next week, forced to live full time in the one world I no longer want to inhabit, the male world. No time to be me, less privacy, more worry. I know that in the end, no matter how things turn out, I will be alright because of the support that I do have. I may not be around much for a week or two, adding even more to my apprehension. But I will be back, I will be here to write about what has happened in the intervening time. To express my joy or my sadness. For now, I move forward, happy my mom is coming, and nervous about what the visit will hold.

Friends

Today marked a special day for me. It was six months ago today that I first met two very important friends of mine, Tiana and Karen. I met these two wonderful women just a few short weeks after I came out to my wife. I had reached out to a local trans group, and I was put in touch in Karen and Tiana. We made arrangements to meet over lunch.

This was a very emotional time for me. I had recently come out to my spouse, and this was the first time I was dealing with my gender identity issues head on. I nervously met Karen and Tiana, in some respects unsure of myself, in other respects just wondering if I was really ready to be taking steps down the path to transition. I knew that in order to make this journey, I needed friends, I needed people who were making the same journey. I knew that from such friends, I could find understanding, support, and advice. 

I found all that in these two very special women. Over lunch, I shared my story and some of my worries. They reassured me that I was not alone, and they helped me to finally feel that I was not alone. Despite the fact that I was sick with a bad cold, I left that lunch feeling so much relief and so much hope. Too bad I ended up with bronchitis shortly there after! I had been working six day weeks for a while with little or no rest during a the stressful first weeks of coming out to myself and beginning my journey of self discover, so I think everything just got to me and my body said,”Ok enough! Give me a rest so I can process all of this!.”

Anyway, over the next few weeks and months, I found that Karen and Tiana were true friends. The encouraged me when I was unsure, and they accompanied me on my first night on the town. They helped me find my courage to proceed full steam ahead into my transition. I admire them and their journeys, and I am so grateful that they are a part of my journey.

This week, Tiana had called me to see about getting together for lunch. We do this every few weeks, and it is something I look forward to. Plans don’t always work out when work gets in the way. This week, we talked about meeting earlier in the week. I would have to juggle a few things around, by we set a time and a day. Tiana called Karen to invite her. Apparently wheels started turning for Karen, and I got a call later in the day from Tiana asking if Friday would work instead of Wednesday. I said sure, in fact, Friday would work better. Little did I know, Karen realized that it was just about six months since we all met. She looked up her receipt from that first lunch, and confirmed that Friday would be exactly six months. She and Tiana conspired to change the lunch date to match that six month anniversary, and picked the same location as that first lunch.

In the back of my mind, I think I was thinking the same thing. I realized that the restaurant was the same that we first had lunch at, and that I had not been there since that first meeting. I couldn’t remember the exact date, but I knew it was close to six months or so since we had all met. It seemed like just yesterday, and yet it feels like I have come so far in my journey since then.

As we sat down to lunch, Karen and Tiana announced their reason for the date and the location. I was so surprised that they remembered. I was left essentially speechless, about to cry if I said a word. They gave me a card in recognition of our friendship. There was so much I wanted to say, but could not for the fact that I would have just started crying. Hormones certainly do things to emotions! 

I am so appreciative of them, I am sure that they will read this. Thank you Tiana and Karen, you two are true friends! For those of you who may just be starting on your journey of transition, reach out to the community. There are so many wonderful girls out there willing to share their stories, lend their support, and be friends. There is this kind of unofficial big sister thing that happens in this community. It is amazing. It helped me build the courage that I needed to take those first tentative steps in my transition. If it was not for their support and friendship, I might have taken a little longer to get started moving forward. 

Today, I move forward confidently, finding a new found joy for life as I become the women that I have always been on the inside. I find friendships to be more important, and the connections to be on a whole different level than those I have experienced before. I think part of this is because I can finally share who I really am, and be who I am. There is no need to go down this road alone, there is no reason to feel isolated, you are not alone. There are so many of us, so many willing to reach out a hand, give support, give encouragement, and just be friends. 

To all the other wonderful women I have met since then, thank you to all of you as well. You all have stories that inspire me and encourage me. I have so much admiration for all of you, and feel so privileged to have gotten to know or to be beginning to know all of you. I know, for the first time in my life, that I am not alone, that I am in the company of so many amazing people taking so many amazing journeys, displaying amazing courage, and just plain being amazing friends. Thank you!

Pondering each step

I’m coming up on a milestone of sorts, tomorrow will be four weeks since I started on full HRT. It’s been an interesting four weeks, filled with excitement, emotional ups and downs, and the beginnings of changes. I have to admit, I went into HRT hoping for the best, but not really having any set expectations. Getting accurate data on the effects of HRT is pretty much impossible. There are many sites that will talk about the common regimens, the possible effects, the possible side effects, and the fact that results will vary. No two sites or papers seem to give the same perspective on HRT, and, I guess, I can’t blame them for this ambiguity.

    The fact of the matter is, HRT is one of the biggest unknowns in the transition process. He know that the hormones will do something to our body, but we don’t know what or to what extent. In my case, I was expecting emotional changes for a few months and then to start noticing physical changes in 3 months or so. My nipples started swelling and hurting after two weeks, and palpable breast buds were present after three weeks. This was a bit surprising to me for a couple of reasons. The first reason being that my doctor starts patients off at a lower dose of estrogen, and the send being that almost everything I read says that these changes start between 3-6 months. 

   Now, I must be honest, I am not at all disappointed in these rapid changes, I am rather trilled by the fact that my body is responding so quickly to the HRT. I am pleased that my body hair does not grow back to quickly when I shave it. I did no have a lot of chest hair, but what I had seemed to be visible again in less than 24 hours. It was dark in spots, and it grew quickly. I also never felt that I could get a close shave when I removed it. There were always bumps and stubble. Now I shave it, and my chest actually feels smooth, and it was four days or so before I could really notice the re-growth. 

   These little advances, these victories, really help to bolster my confidence and make me feel like I am making progress. It helps me see that full time is something achievable, and possibly something that will happen sooner than I initially planned. Not that I set hard a fast dates. You could say that my transition schedule is flexible. I thought I would be starting HRT at the end of July, but that happened about three or four weeks sooner. Right now, my plan is to go full time in July of next year, but I think it will happen sooner. My therapist even dropped the suggestion that I probably will not wait that long. I think that she sees my confidence and the fact that I am kind of charging comfortably forward into each step of transition.

   The way I like to frame my transition is in terms of how what I am doing feels to me. For so long, things I did in life either did not feel right or I was just completely apathetic about what I was doing. Now each thing I do to move myself towards transition feels right. There are days I look at the transition schedules of others and wonder,”Am I going too fast?” I stop and I think that I am going at the pace that is right for me. We each have out own time line, we cannot judge ourselves or others based on our unique timelines. We have to be comfortable with what we are doing, and sometimes , depending on our family situation, others have to be comfortable and ready for the next step.

  I am fortunate to have a spouse who realizes that I need to transition in order to be comfortable and at peace with myself. She realizes that this is something that is part of my core being, and something that I have carried with my for as long as I can remember. For her, it is easier because of our personal situation. We were headed towards divorce. My repression of my gender identity got in the way of our love, and drove us apart. In the end, my coming out saved our friendship and our joint commitment to our children, but the love that was there was lost in many ways. The love that comes with a deep bond of friendship is still there, and it is that friendship that gives her the strength to support and encourage me. 

  Each step in this journey takes me closer towards living my life in a way that is more genuine, and in a manner that will not only bring happiness to my life, but allow me to give to those who are important to me, bringing more joy into their lives.