Day of Remebrance

November 20th is fast approaching. For anyone who does not know, November 20th is the day when we recognize Transgender Day of Remembrance(DOR). This is a time for us to look back on the last year, and remember those who were violently taken from us for no other reason than being gender non-conforming. This is the first DOR that I will be taking part in, in fact, prior to my starting the coming out process, I had not even heard of DOR prior to March of this year. If I had know about it before, would I have attended? Probably not, mostly for fear of being outed, fear of people figuring out my deep dark secret. 

It is only now, now that I have finally come to terms with the incongruity between my body and my soul that I can finally be free to pay my respects to those whose lives were cut so terribly short. Transition has, in fact, freed me to do so many other things. Namely of course to be me. Though I still have some time before I go full time, the fact that I finally have space is so much better than having non at all. I still face the dislike for having to spend part of my days in “boy mode.” Not really a big fan of that term anymore, not sure what it is about it, I think because that assumes that I spend part of my time in “girl mode,” which makes my time as Kathryn seem like something constructed or made up, like it is something that I put on. It’s interesting how I start to contemplate those terms and euphemisms that are so prevalent in the community. There are so many out there, some that are accepted, some that are not. The degree to which terms are accepted also varies from person to person, or from region to region.  Take for example, crossdresser and transvestite. There are two terms used to describe people who identify and live as one gender, but enjoy spending some time dressed as the opposite gender. In the United States, transvestite has fallen out of favor, but in Britain it is still acceptable. It’s almost like we have out own transgender language with regional dialects.

Anyway, I think I am getting way off topic here. Back to DOR for a moment. If you haven’t looked for your local event, I highly encourage you to do so. One place you can go it this years DOR website at:http://www.transgenderdor.org/. If you area is not listed, but there is an event going on let Ethan know so he can get the event up on the site. There have been a lot of additions to the events list the last few weeks. This is a good time for those of us who are trans to stand up against violence against our community. If you are a trans ally, this is a good time to stand up and let people know that you support the trans community. 

As we all know, there has been a lot going on politically the last week or so. I wasn’t sure how much I was going to get into politics here, but I guess there are a few important things to say. We saw a major shift in this last election, and opportunity to fix some of what is broken. The one thing that I caution people in is expecting an over night fix from President-Elect Obama. It took Bush a few years to mess things up, and it will take a few years to get things back in order. There are a lot of expectations placed on this man, and I think he is the kind of leader we need to make some significant changes. I know that many people in the LGBT community in general are hoping that the gains made in congress might renew the promise of an inclusive ENDA. I too hope for that, but we also need to realize that those who dropped us from ENDA are still in office. We need to keep on them. Obama said he would sign an inclusive ENDA, so make sure you are lobbying your representatives for such. I have not participated in a lobby day before, but I am seriously considering it.  NCTE will be hosting its annual lobby day April 26th through the 28th. Like I said, I have never done this before, but I will probably be there. Besides that it is right around the time I plan on going full time, so what better time to get out there and be more visibly active!

Now a few words about prop 8, or H8 as some are calling it. I’m not going to sit here and try and dissect what when wrong, but if I ran that campaign I would have…… Just kidding I said I wouldn’t and I won’t. I am however very disappointed in the results. Vicki Kolakowski did a recent interview on Trans-Ponder in which she mentioned how some in the trans community did not feel that prop H8 applies to them. Right now, for many of them they may be right. The members of our community who are straight identified and post-op, this may not apply to them fully. Vicky explains, however that it may still affect all of us. If you are in a legally heterosexual marriage, and go through divorce or one of you passes away, your gender may be challenged. If so, the court may decide that you are not in a prop 8 marriage, and eliminate property rights or other privileges of marriage. There are still times and places where someone could try and use your trans status to reduce or void your marriage. This is not just an LGB issue, this can affect all of us. That is all I will say on the topic. 

Ok, enough politics. I’m getting too tired now. One last, and very important thing, a friend of mine has had a very difficult time with coming out to her family. Please stop by her blog on Yahoo360 and show her some support. I think she really needs some words of support and encouragement right now.

Between Two Worlds

Today was a bit of a difficult day for me. I had a couple of things going on, my therapist appointment and a meeting for planning this years DOR event here in Austin. I was fully prepared to go en femme, but events and other things conspired to get in my way of that happening. The first thing that got in the way was the fact that we have guests with us for a week. They are visiting from out of state, and they have no knowledge of my being trans. THis has made must of the last few days at home more difficult. It puts me in a place where I have to “hide” myself. I can’t leave books out, things I have written, etc. It’s as if I have to hide myself away. My therapist likened it to putting myself back in a box, through I pointed out that I resisted doing that fully. I took a semi-bold step of just turing some of my books in my office around. They are still on my bookshelf, but just turned backwards. I couldn’t put all my things away, I just couldn’t. 

This illustrates that angst that seems to increase as time goes by. The negative feelings that are generated when I have to hid myself from others, the fact that I am living between two worlds. I have my time when I can assert my being trans, when I can be Kathryn, and be accepted and embraced for my femininity. Then there is the rest of my life, the part I wish every day will fade away and become less and less until all that is left if Kathryn, the time I must spend in “boy mode.” This included time at work, and time at home when people who don’t know are around. This is sometimes painful time, time during which I have to continue to put on the charade I put on for so many years, pretending to be someone that I am not. Sure I am different in “boy mode” than I was before. I am more relaxed, my hair is getting longer, I concentrate less on my mannerism, and just care less and less about “acting like a man.” I was even told by a very macho co-worker the other day that he did not want to see me run a way that I did when I ran something a few steps over to a co-worker. I guess the run was more feminine, and likely too much so for a guy that is all about how macho be can be. I laughed to myself, thinking,”if you only knew.” 

I find my time away from “boy mode” to be relaxing, to be the time when I can finally be me. The idea of going back to my assigned gender presentation is often one that brings about sadness. Full time is not just an option for dealing with my gender identity, it is a necessity for me to be able to be myself and be accepting of who I am. My therapist was commenting today on who confident I seem to be with the transition process, and how I just seem to proceed forward at a steady pace. The reason for this, as I told her, is that I have known for quite a number I years that I needed to transition. For at least ten years, I have known that transition was part of my future, I just did not know when. When I reached the point where I could, there was really no option but to move forward confident that I am doing the right thing. It’s this in between time that is causing me pain. 

So, my day started with the realization that I would have to go out in boy mode. Not the best start to the day, but I thought I could deal with it. I went to my therapist appointment, and received the news that he would be relocating out of state. I was overcome by emotion, and nearly started crying. I was reassured that he would be available for phone sessions and would be back in the Austin area from time to time. I will see if this arrangement works. My therapist has been absolutely wonderful, and I am hesitant to go work with another one. I will see what the future holds on that front. 

After that I went to the DOR planning meeting. I was running a little late. When I walked in, the meeting was already in progress. I kind of interrupted the meeting, as I had to reintroduce myself to nearly everyone, as only two people in the room had ever seen me in “boy mode.” I was already feeling horrible about being out that way, and now I felt even more self conscious. It really actually kind of upset me, to have to introduce myself to people who I had already gotten to know and say it really was me. Even though I felt completely welcome and accepted by all present, I still spent the meeting and afterwards just feeling uncomfortable with myself. It reminded me of how I felt during puberty when I really realized that my body did not match my mind. The frustration, the pain, and being uncomfortable with the way I presented and wishing I was presenting as the woman that I am. 

As time goes on, as I spend more and more time being me, I find it more difficult to return to the male role that I was assigned at birth. I dread having to present as a male. I think more and more about full time and when I will be ready for that. Initially I felt that July would be a good time, though I truly think that date will be moved up. April is seeming more realistic, but we shall see. For now, I continue forward, trapped between who I was told to be and who I truly am.