Do they really know anything…….

In the last couple of weeks, I have heard several stories of coming out. While I am going through my own coming out process, other friends of mine are also coming out to their own families. During this time I have heard of family members going and talking to their therapists about what is going on. I bring this up, because time and time again I have heard these therapists giving extremely poorly informed advice. The responses have ranged from transition will be bad for the kids, they only good thing they can do is get divorced, and the only person who will be happy in the end is the person who is transitioning. Wow, right!?!?!?

Many of us remember that is was just a few short months ago that the APA released a position paper and guidelines concerning the treatment of transgender patients and the medical necessity of various transition related procedures. Obviously these therapists are not members of the APA, read only the negative parts of the position paper, have never knowing met a trans person, or just live in the bottom of some dark whole inhabited by trolls and Dr. Phil. 

Many of the remarks and “advice” I have heard show me that there is still a lot of work to be done to educate the mental health profession about trans issues. These therpists don’t realize that there are numerous examples of marriages that survive transition, healthy happy children with trans parents, and family members who are very happy after transition. They are under the mistaken, misinformed, or biased opinion that transition ruins the lives of everyone around the person transitioning. 

I will admit and share that there are members of my family who are struggling a little to come to terms with the fact that I am undergoing a gender transition. There are still accepting, but they are going through the process of realizing that my male persona is “dying” and that they will have to get used to the new me. This is a normal process. Ask my mom, I am sure she will tell you the first few days or weeks were not easy, but in the end she realizes that I will be a happier, more self confident, more alive, and more loving person because of my transition. She is happy and she is proud to be the parent of her trans daughter. This didn’t ruin her life.

Transition creates changes in our lives, but it does not ruin the lives of those around us. I think many of these “therapists” subscribe to the theory that you put off transition at all costs, or, if you do transition, you leave everything and everyone behind. After all, you might as well make a clean break so they can get on with their lives without having to deal with a freak in the family! I thought we left that way of thinking behind us a long time ago. 

Today, we are out and we are proud to be trans. Many of us keep our jobs, our friends, our families. We enrich the lives of those around us because we are finally whole, we are the person that we were meant to be. For the first time in our lives, we can be happy and content. Because we are not worried, scared, or depressed, those around us are no longer affected by the struggle that we hid for so many years. Instead of thinking,”What’s wrong with him,” they can think,”Wow, she is so alive!” 

This is not to say that some families don’t suffer. Yes, there are families that find it difficult to adjust to a transitioning family member, whether it me a husband/wife, son/daughter, aunt/uncle, or mother/father. There are some families that struggle to accept the transitioning individual. But even such difficulties may not justify such drastic “advice.” 

There is a long way to go in educating our mental health professionals. The unfortunate result of misinformed advice and opinions is all too often pain and hurt. The APA took an important step in August when it released its position paper. I hope that the future will show some follow through. I hope that efforts will be taken to increase the level of education and understanding amongst mental health professionals when it comes to trans related issues. We don’t need such potentially hurtful and misguided advice being given out to family members. Mental health professionals who lack first hand experience working with trans people or families of trans people should be willing to admit that they are not experts in the area of transition and refrain from sharing uninformed opinions on transition.

First time for everything

I’m spending this weekend in the San Francisco area. Part of the reason for my visit is to come out to some more family members, my brother and my father. I also took the opportunity to see my mom again, just a few weeks after her visit and coming out to her. We were also having lunch with a friend of mine, to whom I was also already out. So, it was nice to be able to see them and visit with them.

  Prior to lunch, my mom and I headed over to Target, as I had a couple of things I needed to pick up. After getting what we needed, my mom and I got in line. This was a particularly busy Target, so we got in one of the shorter lines. Soon after we got in line, I heard a target employee right behind me say “excuse me sir.” I turned towards her, and she looked directly at me. At that point, she said,”I’m sorry ma’am.” She then told me that we could go to the customer service desk to make our purchase to bypass the longer lines. This was the first time I have been ma’am-ed. It was such a good feeling to be addressed by feminine pronouns and as the gender with which I identify. Especially since I was completely in guy mode. I was wearing a button down shirt and jeans, “regular guy” clothes. It was interesting that once she looking me in the face, she then gendered me as female and corrected her pronouns.

I think a lot of times, early in transition, we wonder when this time will come. For us the changes are so gradual and incremental that we don’t see them all. We wonder if people will be able to view us as female, and yet that day comes, the day when someone genders us as female and addresses us by female pronouns. It is moments such as this that tells us we are on our way. This was a great boost to my trip, a real pump to my ego.

Now, I am preparing mentally for more coming out this weekend. I will be coming out to my dad and my brother. Am I nervous, hell yeah. I think that overall, things will go well, but I am still pretty nervous about it. Tonight, my spouse told her parents. We have not really had a chance to discuss how it went, but she told me that they are understanding and supportive. Another step in the right direction. The day is getting closer when I will be out to everyone I know, with the exception of those I work with. This brings that closer, the day when I will be out at work and living full time as my true self. I think that the more space I have to be myself, the more I realize that transition and full time are not that far away. That soon, I will be able to face the world as myself, to no longer be forced to be someone that I am not. For now, I look forward to the next time I get ma’am-ed!

Children as a Weapon

I have been thinking about children and transition again. I wrote about this before after I had read a blog post suggesting that not telling our children right away can be harmful to them. In the last week I have come across a few other things that have bothered me. For those who don’t much about me, I have two young daughters, ages 2 and 4. To say that the topic of transition and children is one that is close to my heart is an understatement. I absolutely adore my girls, and I would do anything to protect them from anything I think would harm them. I am not over protective, but I am protective of them. They are part of the reason I left law enforcement, I want to be there for them. The other reason I left was because I could not go on being Mr. Macho anymore. Two years later, I came out and stated transitioning.

Anyway, back on topic here before I veer off into a who other topic. There were really two issues sets of circumstances that I read about. One involved a friend who’s spouse insinuated that her being trans might be turning one of their children trans. The other situation involved some saying that they stopping transition, and putting it off until their children were grown. The reason being that their spouse and family said it would damage the children. 

Both of these situations bring up some very strong feeling in me. In both of these situation, it feels to me that the children are being used against the transitioning spouse. Anyone of us who have children know how strong the parental protection instinct is. We want to protect our children, and we would never do anything to intentionally hurt our children. Our spouses and family know these feelings and emotions too. In some cases, they try and use these against us. After all, I doubt any of us would do anything to intentionally hurt our children. I know that I would not. 

Why do family members do this? I think part of the reason is because of the strong emotional bond. The fear of losing our children. Many people hold off transition until late in life because of their children. I am in no way saying this is a bad choice. It is, however, not one that I can make. I have, in the short time since I came out and began transitioning, have witnessed my children flourish even more. They are happier, more self confident, more loving, and just seem better adjusted. They do not yet know that I am trans, but they do know that I am happier and that I am more involved with them. I am no longer distant and depressed, I am now more fully engaged in life.

Some family members see children as a means to stop someone from transitioning. They fear losing the person they have known their whole life, they rear the transition process, they fear transsexuality, in short, they do not understand. I have heard time and time again how well children handle transition, especially when the non-trans parent is supportive. The difficulties arise when that spouse if negative and actively and outwardly resists the transition. In these cases, the non-trans spouse often tries to put the children between the trans spouse and transition. They use the children as a weapon against transition. The fear of the unknown can bring out the worst in some people. 

I don’t know if there is an answer to preventing such reactions. Education is certainly a start. There are several resources about children and transition, such as:

http://www.colage.org/programs/trans/ko … -guide.pdf

http://community.pflag.org/NETCOMMUNITY … &srcid=380

I think that any person who is contemplating transition, and who has children needs to be prepared. There are going to be enough fears about losing “you” and those may end up being projected onto your children. Be prepared to talk about the affect it will have on your children. My spouse asked me how I thought it would affect our children. I told her that I believed it would make them better more accepting people. That they would understand diversity more fully and learn to judge people not for how they appear, but for who they are. Not transitioning would have meant years of depression for me, and this would have not only taken its toll on me, but it would have had a negative affect on my children as well. Our children don’t care how we look, they love us for who we are. Why not let them see more of who we are.