New Year Reflection

Yes, It’s that time of year. Time to reflect on last year, where I started it, where I went, and where I ended it. It was an amazing year. I started out 2008 entrenched in what seemed like a never ending cycle of wishing I could transition, not knowing if I would ever be able to transition, feeling like wishing to transition was hopeless, and just not really being fully engaged in life. 

Even in that, I think I fooled a lot of people. I pretended like everything was ok. I fooled myself into thinking I could keep fighting. What I didn’t know was that it was really beginning to be a losing battle for me. Sleep was never really something I looked forward to, mostly because I couldn’t. I lay in bed tossing and turning, knowing who I was on the inside, and not knowing how, or if, or when I would ever be able to express that. At the same time, I was trying to keep a marriage from sinking, but I was hitting icebergs. The more I struggled on the inside, the more I withdrew from my spouse, and the more our day to day relationship suffered. 

By the end of February, things were not looking good. One night, she came to me. She told me that she knew I was hiding something, she told me that she didn’t want to lose me as a friend and a parent to our children, she reached out to me and threw out a lifeline. That night, for the first time, I spoke the words the described how I felt on the inside. I described by gender dysphoria, my feeling of not being a “man,” my need to live as a woman, my need to be true to myself. To my amazement, she expressed support, she displayed understanding, and she accepted me for who I was.

That was the first step. We talked and realized that we did not know where this would take our relationship, but we knew, no matter what, we would always have our friendship and we would always be committed to working together to raise our daughters. Over the next few nights, I tried to figure out what the next steps were. Despite years of knowing I was trans, I had never searched out information to determine what I had to do to transition. I was afraid to look before, I was afraid the knowledge of what it would take would draw me in, that knowing what to do would make it easier for me to take that next step and actually transition. But now, I had finally found that I could reveal who I was and that the people I loved the most might not turn their backs on me, that I might not become an outcast. So, I reached out and sought out. 

I found that there were local groups and organizations. I e-mail one such group, the Central Texas Transgender Society. I soon was put in touch with my two dear friends, Karen and Tiana. We arranged to meet for lunch. So, on March 19th, 2008, I met with Karen and Tiana at Dave and Busters, here in Austin. For the first time in my life, I sat down and talked to two people who had been where I was at, two people who understood what I was going through, two wonderful women who would become my friends. They told me more about the monthly CTTGS luncheons, a great opportunity to get out and meet other people in the community. I would have gone that month, but, as luck would have it, the day we had lunch I was a little sick, but, by the time Saturday rolled around, I was on my way to the doctor to treat the cold that had progressed into bronchitis. I was sick and miserable for days.

I continued to search for information, looking to understand better what I was going through, what the future held for me, and what I needed to do to get to where I needed to be. I found my therapist, and started therapy in April. To sit down in front of a total stranger and relate my story again was an amazing relief. That month I also attended my first CTTGS luncheon. I went in drab, but still enjoyed getting to meet some other people in the local community. Over the next month, I learned how to do my makeup, bought my first female clothing, got a laser and electrolysis consultation, and purchased a wig to tied me over until my hair got longer. In May I took the big step of going out presenting female for the first time. It was for the monthly CTTGS luncheon. The luncheon had been rescheduled for the following weekend, but I didn’t realize it. I wasn’t on the mailing list yet, still not actually(hmm I’ll have to look into that one again.) Fortunately one other person did not get the e-mail either, so she and I ate lunch together, and then we went out to a shoe store. First time out, I had lunch and went shopping for shoes. Not bad.

At the end of May, I talked to my therapist about hormones. She agreed that I was ready, and said she would provide a letter. I made an appointment with my doctor for the end of June, after getting a full physical first. At the end of June, I walked into the doctors office with my letter in my hand. I actually didn’t need it in my hand, as it had already been faxed over. That day, I was prescribed hormones. That afternoon, I picked up my spiro, and called in to order my estradiol! I was on cloud 9!

The summer was a whirlwind of activity. I began to get involved with Transgender Advocates of Central Texas, which promptly changed their name to Transgender Education Network of Texas when I attended my first meeting. In July I received my first hormone injection. I was nervous, I was excited, I couldn’t believe it! Two weeks late I was a total b***h for a few days as I adjusted to the shifting hormones. But, overall, I felt so much better. I felt more grounded, more centered, less pissed off at everything. Over the summer I began to let my hair grow and I started my faical hair removal. I found that laser really hurts. Ouch! During the session, I realized that if I was not serious about what I was doing, I probably would run out of that room. But my desire to be rid of that facial hair was far stronger than the pain of the laser.

In September, I officially began the coming out process. I started with my former police partner and close friend. I had not spoken with her in nearly six months. I wasn’t ready to tell her before that, and I couldn’t talk to her without telling her. So, one evening, I sent the letter. The next morning, I awoke to find her response. I cried when I read the words,”I’m sorry that you felt that you could not tell me earlier but I am honored and gateful that you have shared this with me now.  You are my friend and I miss you dearly and think about you often……..I don’t want you to be or feel alone.  I guess what I’m saying is what can I do to support you decision?” I felt relief in knowing that I had the support of one of my closest and dearest friends. 

The following month, my Mom came out for a visit, and I told her while she was here. I waited until the end of the first week of her visit. By then the emotions of holding it in overtook me. I broke down, and my wife went to get my mom. On the way upstairs, she told my mom,”Be Strong.” She didn’t mean to be overly dramatic, but it did put a lot of thoughts running through my mom’s head. Especially when my mom saw me crying on the bed. After I assured her that I was not dying, I told her what was going on. I was met with complete love and acceptance, the kind of support that only a mother can give. It was an amazing relief to me. In November, I told my Dad and my brother. They also expressed acceptance and support, but I think they struggled with it a little more at first. They are good now.

The rest of the year has been a little more low key. I put anymore coming out on hold until the end of the year, and I took the time to enjoy the Holidays. I also looked forward to the fact that the coming year hold the promise of many more steps forward, many more changes. I ended the year coming out to another friend, who also expressed support and his friendship not matter what. That was last year in a nut shell. There was so much more, so many details, many of which I left out, but I wanted to touch on the most important. 

This year taught me that I could be myself, that I could finally stand up for something, that I could be an advocate for something I believe in, and that I don’t need to live my life wishing I could be who I am, I just have to take control and be me. Am I going to make a new years resolution? I’m not sure if I would call them resolutions. Each year I typically resolve not to make any resolutions. Instead I will make plans. If I have a plan, I can implement it and carry through on it. So, I plan to go full time(probably April, before my birthday), I plan to take my children to Disney World, I plan to be more involved in Trans education and advocacy, and I plan to just be me, finally.

Thank you to everyone have have met over the last and thank you to the friends and family who stayed and supported me. I wish you all find what you are looking for out of 2009, and if by chance you don’t find it, keep pushing forward and never lose hope.

Still Here, Still Going Strong

I realized over the last few days that it has been some time since I blogged about what has been going on with me. It’s certainly not for a lack of anything to write about, more like a lack of time to write about anything.

  Earlier this month, I came out to my mom. Her reaction, and our subsequent conversations and discussions have been so much better than I could have ever hoped for. I have been fortunate with the reactions of those to whom I have come out. They have been positive, supportive, and encouraging. Yet, I still worry with each person I prepare to come out to. I guess I am still bracing for negative reactions, and I am occasionally surprised when there is not negative reaction. My spouse attributes this to the person that I am, and the depth and the nature of the relationships I have with those close to me.

I also see it as a factor of the types of friends I have made, and those whom I have considered my close friends. Throughout my life, I didn’t have a large group of friends, but rather a smaller group of very close friends. There were typically people who did not pass judgement on others, people who did not expect their friends to conform to so imposed set of expectations, they were people who valued friends for who they were not who they wanted their friends to be. These are the same people who stood by me through all of lifes twists and turns. Even when they thought I should be taking a different path, they supported me still. They were true friends.

Over the next few weeks, I will be coming out to more and more people. I expect by the end of November, nearly everyone in my family will know, most of my friends will know, and word will get out to acquaintances about what I am going through. I will be out to nearly everyone in my life. The lone exception will be work and my co-workers. I am out to HR and a couple other people involved in out LGBT employee group, but only for the purposes of transition planning. As for my local co-workers, no one knows yet. That will likely come next year. There is still a lot more planning to do at work, but that time will come as well.

I sometimes think about where that leaves me now. The amount of space I have to be me is growing. When I am out to my kids, I will be able to be me when I am home, but, at work, I will still have to act and be “male.” The less I have to be male, the more relief I feel, the more comfort and peace I experience. Peace and comfort I have not known for a long time.

How We Transition

I wanted to talk about a subject that has come up recently on other blogs and other areas of the net. The story of Mike Penner led to a lot of disappointment and blog activity in the community, and some great discussions surrounding transition, detransition, and being comfortable with who we are.

This really has led me to consider more about what it means to be trans, what it means to be comfortable with who we are. While the term transgender has become one that encompasses a wide range of gender presentations, the term transsexual is still often viewed in a very narrow manner. Still people see the transition process of being transsexual as being an all or nothing proposition. Still, there are many who take very different approaches to transition.

How much one transition, if at all, or the amount of time one actually spends living in the gender role with which they identify is a uniquely individual decision. For some, family and employment concerns prevent a full transition, others transition in spite of the loss of friends, family,and employment, while others may experience little or no loss associated with transition. For most, whether they transition or not depends on how comfortable they are only being part time in the gender role with which they identify. Others still have found that they are comfortable living a more gender queer existence, living outside the gender binary. There are so many variations on transitions that I could not possibly discuss them all here.

The point that I am trying to make is that transition is not an all or nothing proposition. Just because I know that I will not be comfortable with anything less than a full transition does not diminish the validity of those who decide not to transition and are comfortable with where they are. How does this relate to Mike Penner? Not knowing him personally, and not knowing all the details of his transition, I can only speak from limited knowledge. But, I wonder if we more openly embraced the full spectrum of transsexual expression if Mike’s story might have played out differently, or would he have still tried living full time as Christine? I have heard from people on the cusp of making a full transition come to terms with the fat that they could live comfortably between the two genders.

Even withing the trans community, the gender binary can still rear it ugly head. There are those who think that one has to transition fully and live in a very feminine gender role. That is a decision that each individual must come to on their own, it must be something that they are comfortable with. If they are not, then the result is detransition. Sometimes we see a very negative reaction to detransition, this fear that an individual detransitioning somehow reduces our validity in the eyes of those who do not look favorably on our existence. In some cases, detransition is a bit sensationalized. In the case of Mike Penner, it seems to have been done very quietly. The loudest voice seem to have come from inside the transgender community. His detransition, I think, gives more validity to the process that we go through. Some who may not like the standards of care or choose to ignore them all together may not like anything that gives more credence to the process they lay out. In the case of Mike Penner, the SOC worked, he decided he wanted to detransition. He did this before undergoing GRS. Imagine how much more dramatic the story could be if he had undergone GRS. One only needs to look at some of the other stories that have come out in the last year or so. This is far less meaty of a story. It’s no wonder the media does not seem to have picked up on it.

In the end, being trans is not a choice, but we do all have decisions to make about how we deal with being trans. How and why we transition is as individual as each person is. In the end we must be comfortable with our decisions. I spent too many sleepless nights to not transition. Even though I am on my way to transition, I still feel the pains of dysphoria when I spend an entire work week being male, and I feel relief when I am able to take the suit of and just be me. For me it is obvious that I cannot live between the two worlds, between the two genders. I am not comfortable there. Others of us are comfortable there, and their decision is just as valid and acceptable as mine.

For anyone out there who knew Christine prior to her going back to being Mike, I hope you have let him know that he is still loved and welcome in the community, and if he still needs a space in his life to be Christine from time to time that he still has friends who are willing to share that time with him. He may not know it yet, but I would guess that time will come soon.

Well, enough of that serious stuff. I hope that everyone out there is doing well as we move into the Holiday season. Remember your friends out there this time of year. For many in our community, this may be a very difficult time for them. They may have been rejected by friends and family, and may be spending the Holidays alone. Make sure you are keeping in touch and letting them know they are loved and have friends out here. Don’t let the time go by without reaching out to check in, say hi, lend support. We don’t want anyone being alone through this time of year, or any time of year for that matter. If  you haven’t heard from someone in a while, reach out to them to see how they are doing, let them know they are not alone. Have a happy Halloween everyone! I’m going in drag this year: I’ll be a male pirate! next year I will get to have more fun with costumes! Have fun, be safe, and talk to you soon!

Friends

Today marked a special day for me. It was six months ago today that I first met two very important friends of mine, Tiana and Karen. I met these two wonderful women just a few short weeks after I came out to my wife. I had reached out to a local trans group, and I was put in touch in Karen and Tiana. We made arrangements to meet over lunch.

This was a very emotional time for me. I had recently come out to my spouse, and this was the first time I was dealing with my gender identity issues head on. I nervously met Karen and Tiana, in some respects unsure of myself, in other respects just wondering if I was really ready to be taking steps down the path to transition. I knew that in order to make this journey, I needed friends, I needed people who were making the same journey. I knew that from such friends, I could find understanding, support, and advice. 

I found all that in these two very special women. Over lunch, I shared my story and some of my worries. They reassured me that I was not alone, and they helped me to finally feel that I was not alone. Despite the fact that I was sick with a bad cold, I left that lunch feeling so much relief and so much hope. Too bad I ended up with bronchitis shortly there after! I had been working six day weeks for a while with little or no rest during a the stressful first weeks of coming out to myself and beginning my journey of self discover, so I think everything just got to me and my body said,”Ok enough! Give me a rest so I can process all of this!.”

Anyway, over the next few weeks and months, I found that Karen and Tiana were true friends. The encouraged me when I was unsure, and they accompanied me on my first night on the town. They helped me find my courage to proceed full steam ahead into my transition. I admire them and their journeys, and I am so grateful that they are a part of my journey.

This week, Tiana had called me to see about getting together for lunch. We do this every few weeks, and it is something I look forward to. Plans don’t always work out when work gets in the way. This week, we talked about meeting earlier in the week. I would have to juggle a few things around, by we set a time and a day. Tiana called Karen to invite her. Apparently wheels started turning for Karen, and I got a call later in the day from Tiana asking if Friday would work instead of Wednesday. I said sure, in fact, Friday would work better. Little did I know, Karen realized that it was just about six months since we all met. She looked up her receipt from that first lunch, and confirmed that Friday would be exactly six months. She and Tiana conspired to change the lunch date to match that six month anniversary, and picked the same location as that first lunch.

In the back of my mind, I think I was thinking the same thing. I realized that the restaurant was the same that we first had lunch at, and that I had not been there since that first meeting. I couldn’t remember the exact date, but I knew it was close to six months or so since we had all met. It seemed like just yesterday, and yet it feels like I have come so far in my journey since then.

As we sat down to lunch, Karen and Tiana announced their reason for the date and the location. I was so surprised that they remembered. I was left essentially speechless, about to cry if I said a word. They gave me a card in recognition of our friendship. There was so much I wanted to say, but could not for the fact that I would have just started crying. Hormones certainly do things to emotions! 

I am so appreciative of them, I am sure that they will read this. Thank you Tiana and Karen, you two are true friends! For those of you who may just be starting on your journey of transition, reach out to the community. There are so many wonderful girls out there willing to share their stories, lend their support, and be friends. There is this kind of unofficial big sister thing that happens in this community. It is amazing. It helped me build the courage that I needed to take those first tentative steps in my transition. If it was not for their support and friendship, I might have taken a little longer to get started moving forward. 

Today, I move forward confidently, finding a new found joy for life as I become the women that I have always been on the inside. I find friendships to be more important, and the connections to be on a whole different level than those I have experienced before. I think part of this is because I can finally share who I really am, and be who I am. There is no need to go down this road alone, there is no reason to feel isolated, you are not alone. There are so many of us, so many willing to reach out a hand, give support, give encouragement, and just be friends. 

To all the other wonderful women I have met since then, thank you to all of you as well. You all have stories that inspire me and encourage me. I have so much admiration for all of you, and feel so privileged to have gotten to know or to be beginning to know all of you. I know, for the first time in my life, that I am not alone, that I am in the company of so many amazing people taking so many amazing journeys, displaying amazing courage, and just plain being amazing friends. Thank you!