Yes, It’s that time of year. Time to reflect on last year, where I started it, where I went, and where I ended it. It was an amazing year. I started out 2008 entrenched in what seemed like a never ending cycle of wishing I could transition, not knowing if I would ever be able to transition, feeling like wishing to transition was hopeless, and just not really being fully engaged in life.
Even in that, I think I fooled a lot of people. I pretended like everything was ok. I fooled myself into thinking I could keep fighting. What I didn’t know was that it was really beginning to be a losing battle for me. Sleep was never really something I looked forward to, mostly because I couldn’t. I lay in bed tossing and turning, knowing who I was on the inside, and not knowing how, or if, or when I would ever be able to express that. At the same time, I was trying to keep a marriage from sinking, but I was hitting icebergs. The more I struggled on the inside, the more I withdrew from my spouse, and the more our day to day relationship suffered.
By the end of February, things were not looking good. One night, she came to me. She told me that she knew I was hiding something, she told me that she didn’t want to lose me as a friend and a parent to our children, she reached out to me and threw out a lifeline. That night, for the first time, I spoke the words the described how I felt on the inside. I described by gender dysphoria, my feeling of not being a “man,” my need to live as a woman, my need to be true to myself. To my amazement, she expressed support, she displayed understanding, and she accepted me for who I was.
That was the first step. We talked and realized that we did not know where this would take our relationship, but we knew, no matter what, we would always have our friendship and we would always be committed to working together to raise our daughters. Over the next few nights, I tried to figure out what the next steps were. Despite years of knowing I was trans, I had never searched out information to determine what I had to do to transition. I was afraid to look before, I was afraid the knowledge of what it would take would draw me in, that knowing what to do would make it easier for me to take that next step and actually transition. But now, I had finally found that I could reveal who I was and that the people I loved the most might not turn their backs on me, that I might not become an outcast. So, I reached out and sought out.
I found that there were local groups and organizations. I e-mail one such group, the Central Texas Transgender Society. I soon was put in touch with my two dear friends, Karen and Tiana. We arranged to meet for lunch. So, on March 19th, 2008, I met with Karen and Tiana at Dave and Busters, here in Austin. For the first time in my life, I sat down and talked to two people who had been where I was at, two people who understood what I was going through, two wonderful women who would become my friends. They told me more about the monthly CTTGS luncheons, a great opportunity to get out and meet other people in the community. I would have gone that month, but, as luck would have it, the day we had lunch I was a little sick, but, by the time Saturday rolled around, I was on my way to the doctor to treat the cold that had progressed into bronchitis. I was sick and miserable for days.
I continued to search for information, looking to understand better what I was going through, what the future held for me, and what I needed to do to get to where I needed to be. I found my therapist, and started therapy in April. To sit down in front of a total stranger and relate my story again was an amazing relief. That month I also attended my first CTTGS luncheon. I went in drab, but still enjoyed getting to meet some other people in the local community. Over the next month, I learned how to do my makeup, bought my first female clothing, got a laser and electrolysis consultation, and purchased a wig to tied me over until my hair got longer. In May I took the big step of going out presenting female for the first time. It was for the monthly CTTGS luncheon. The luncheon had been rescheduled for the following weekend, but I didn’t realize it. I wasn’t on the mailing list yet, still not actually(hmm I’ll have to look into that one again.) Fortunately one other person did not get the e-mail either, so she and I ate lunch together, and then we went out to a shoe store. First time out, I had lunch and went shopping for shoes. Not bad.
At the end of May, I talked to my therapist about hormones. She agreed that I was ready, and said she would provide a letter. I made an appointment with my doctor for the end of June, after getting a full physical first. At the end of June, I walked into the doctors office with my letter in my hand. I actually didn’t need it in my hand, as it had already been faxed over. That day, I was prescribed hormones. That afternoon, I picked up my spiro, and called in to order my estradiol! I was on cloud 9!
The summer was a whirlwind of activity. I began to get involved with Transgender Advocates of Central Texas, which promptly changed their name to Transgender Education Network of Texas when I attended my first meeting. In July I received my first hormone injection. I was nervous, I was excited, I couldn’t believe it! Two weeks late I was a total b***h for a few days as I adjusted to the shifting hormones. But, overall, I felt so much better. I felt more grounded, more centered, less pissed off at everything. Over the summer I began to let my hair grow and I started my faical hair removal. I found that laser really hurts. Ouch! During the session, I realized that if I was not serious about what I was doing, I probably would run out of that room. But my desire to be rid of that facial hair was far stronger than the pain of the laser.
In September, I officially began the coming out process. I started with my former police partner and close friend. I had not spoken with her in nearly six months. I wasn’t ready to tell her before that, and I couldn’t talk to her without telling her. So, one evening, I sent the letter. The next morning, I awoke to find her response. I cried when I read the words,”I’m sorry that you felt that you could not tell me earlier but I am honored and gateful that you have shared this with me now. You are my friend and I miss you dearly and think about you often……..I don’t want you to be or feel alone. I guess what I’m saying is what can I do to support you decision?” I felt relief in knowing that I had the support of one of my closest and dearest friends.
The following month, my Mom came out for a visit, and I told her while she was here. I waited until the end of the first week of her visit. By then the emotions of holding it in overtook me. I broke down, and my wife went to get my mom. On the way upstairs, she told my mom,”Be Strong.” She didn’t mean to be overly dramatic, but it did put a lot of thoughts running through my mom’s head. Especially when my mom saw me crying on the bed. After I assured her that I was not dying, I told her what was going on. I was met with complete love and acceptance, the kind of support that only a mother can give. It was an amazing relief to me. In November, I told my Dad and my brother. They also expressed acceptance and support, but I think they struggled with it a little more at first. They are good now.
The rest of the year has been a little more low key. I put anymore coming out on hold until the end of the year, and I took the time to enjoy the Holidays. I also looked forward to the fact that the coming year hold the promise of many more steps forward, many more changes. I ended the year coming out to another friend, who also expressed support and his friendship not matter what. That was last year in a nut shell. There was so much more, so many details, many of which I left out, but I wanted to touch on the most important.
This year taught me that I could be myself, that I could finally stand up for something, that I could be an advocate for something I believe in, and that I don’t need to live my life wishing I could be who I am, I just have to take control and be me. Am I going to make a new years resolution? I’m not sure if I would call them resolutions. Each year I typically resolve not to make any resolutions. Instead I will make plans. If I have a plan, I can implement it and carry through on it. So, I plan to go full time(probably April, before my birthday), I plan to take my children to Disney World, I plan to be more involved in Trans education and advocacy, and I plan to just be me, finally.
Thank you to everyone have have met over the last and thank you to the friends and family who stayed and supported me. I wish you all find what you are looking for out of 2009, and if by chance you don’t find it, keep pushing forward and never lose hope.
