I realized over the last few days that it has been some time since I blogged about what has been going on with me. It’s certainly not for a lack of anything to write about, more like a lack of time to write about anything.
Earlier this month, I came out to my mom. Her reaction, and our subsequent conversations and discussions have been so much better than I could have ever hoped for. I have been fortunate with the reactions of those to whom I have come out. They have been positive, supportive, and encouraging. Yet, I still worry with each person I prepare to come out to. I guess I am still bracing for negative reactions, and I am occasionally surprised when there is not negative reaction. My spouse attributes this to the person that I am, and the depth and the nature of the relationships I have with those close to me.
I also see it as a factor of the types of friends I have made, and those whom I have considered my close friends. Throughout my life, I didn’t have a large group of friends, but rather a smaller group of very close friends. There were typically people who did not pass judgement on others, people who did not expect their friends to conform to so imposed set of expectations, they were people who valued friends for who they were not who they wanted their friends to be. These are the same people who stood by me through all of lifes twists and turns. Even when they thought I should be taking a different path, they supported me still. They were true friends.
Over the next few weeks, I will be coming out to more and more people. I expect by the end of November, nearly everyone in my family will know, most of my friends will know, and word will get out to acquaintances about what I am going through. I will be out to nearly everyone in my life. The lone exception will be work and my co-workers. I am out to HR and a couple other people involved in out LGBT employee group, but only for the purposes of transition planning. As for my local co-workers, no one knows yet. That will likely come next year. There is still a lot more planning to do at work, but that time will come as well.
I sometimes think about where that leaves me now. The amount of space I have to be me is growing. When I am out to my kids, I will be able to be me when I am home, but, at work, I will still have to act and be “male.” The less I have to be male, the more relief I feel, the more comfort and peace I experience. Peace and comfort I have not known for a long time.
How We Transition
I wanted to talk about a subject that has come up recently on other blogs and other areas of the net. The story of Mike Penner led to a lot of disappointment and blog activity in the community, and some great discussions surrounding transition, detransition, and being comfortable with who we are.
This really has led me to consider more about what it means to be trans, what it means to be comfortable with who we are. While the term transgender has become one that encompasses a wide range of gender presentations, the term transsexual is still often viewed in a very narrow manner. Still people see the transition process of being transsexual as being an all or nothing proposition. Still, there are many who take very different approaches to transition.
How much one transition, if at all, or the amount of time one actually spends living in the gender role with which they identify is a uniquely individual decision. For some, family and employment concerns prevent a full transition, others transition in spite of the loss of friends, family,and employment, while others may experience little or no loss associated with transition. For most, whether they transition or not depends on how comfortable they are only being part time in the gender role with which they identify. Others still have found that they are comfortable living a more gender queer existence, living outside the gender binary. There are so many variations on transitions that I could not possibly discuss them all here.
The point that I am trying to make is that transition is not an all or nothing proposition. Just because I know that I will not be comfortable with anything less than a full transition does not diminish the validity of those who decide not to transition and are comfortable with where they are. How does this relate to Mike Penner? Not knowing him personally, and not knowing all the details of his transition, I can only speak from limited knowledge. But, I wonder if we more openly embraced the full spectrum of transsexual expression if Mike’s story might have played out differently, or would he have still tried living full time as Christine? I have heard from people on the cusp of making a full transition come to terms with the fat that they could live comfortably between the two genders.
Even withing the trans community, the gender binary can still rear it ugly head. There are those who think that one has to transition fully and live in a very feminine gender role. That is a decision that each individual must come to on their own, it must be something that they are comfortable with. If they are not, then the result is detransition. Sometimes we see a very negative reaction to detransition, this fear that an individual detransitioning somehow reduces our validity in the eyes of those who do not look favorably on our existence. In some cases, detransition is a bit sensationalized. In the case of Mike Penner, it seems to have been done very quietly. The loudest voice seem to have come from inside the transgender community. His detransition, I think, gives more validity to the process that we go through. Some who may not like the standards of care or choose to ignore them all together may not like anything that gives more credence to the process they lay out. In the case of Mike Penner, the SOC worked, he decided he wanted to detransition. He did this before undergoing GRS. Imagine how much more dramatic the story could be if he had undergone GRS. One only needs to look at some of the other stories that have come out in the last year or so. This is far less meaty of a story. It’s no wonder the media does not seem to have picked up on it.
In the end, being trans is not a choice, but we do all have decisions to make about how we deal with being trans. How and why we transition is as individual as each person is. In the end we must be comfortable with our decisions. I spent too many sleepless nights to not transition. Even though I am on my way to transition, I still feel the pains of dysphoria when I spend an entire work week being male, and I feel relief when I am able to take the suit of and just be me. For me it is obvious that I cannot live between the two worlds, between the two genders. I am not comfortable there. Others of us are comfortable there, and their decision is just as valid and acceptable as mine.
For anyone out there who knew Christine prior to her going back to being Mike, I hope you have let him know that he is still loved and welcome in the community, and if he still needs a space in his life to be Christine from time to time that he still has friends who are willing to share that time with him. He may not know it yet, but I would guess that time will come soon.
Well, enough of that serious stuff. I hope that everyone out there is doing well as we move into the Holiday season. Remember your friends out there this time of year. For many in our community, this may be a very difficult time for them. They may have been rejected by friends and family, and may be spending the Holidays alone. Make sure you are keeping in touch and letting them know they are loved and have friends out here. Don’t let the time go by without reaching out to check in, say hi, lend support. We don’t want anyone being alone through this time of year, or any time of year for that matter. If you haven’t heard from someone in a while, reach out to them to see how they are doing, let them know they are not alone. Have a happy Halloween everyone! I’m going in drag this year: I’ll be a male pirate! next year I will get to have more fun with costumes! Have fun, be safe, and talk to you soon!
