One of those weeks

I sit here, really wanting to write. I have the strong desire to write something, but few ideas about what I want to write, or what I can write. I think that is part of being stuck in between these two worlds. There is so much going on in my life, but very little I am comfortable sharing openly and in the public at this time. Most of what I write about are the issues that we all face as transgender men and women and some of the things I do when I get to go out and be myself. 

There is so much more to my life, so much more going on, but most of it happens in the days between when I am free to be me. Some of it is important stuff that will lay the ground work for that first day when I begin to live my life as the woman I have always known myself to be. Other things are the everyday things, what is going on at work, what my daughters are doing, and all the other fun and not so fun things going on in my life. Often I am hesitant to share these experiences. Mostly this come from a fear of revealing to much and having someone in my professional or personal life find out about me before I am ready for them to find out. 

A while back I sat down and typed out a lengthy introduction. I felt that I needed to write something about who I am, where I came from, and how I got to this point I am at now. For now, that introduction sits in my drafts folder, collecting dust. It sits there trapped by my worry that it will reveal too much, that it will out me somewhere. This may be misplaced worry, but there have been some of us who have been outed by our blogs and web pages. The fear is real, but it is hard for my to accept. 

I stepped into my transition confident and ready to move forward. Since that time, I have proceeded with confidence, and the knowledge that I am doing the right thing. I am doing something that feel right, something that feels better than anything I have done before in my life, and yet I hide behind vague references to what is going on in my life, able to reveal details to the very few. That part does not feel right, that part feels like a betrayal of who I am, and yet it is a necessary part of this journey. In our journeys to find our true selves and become who we have always been on the inside, we are forced to hide. We must protect our thoughts, our joys, our pains, our journey from those who would use it against us, from those who are not yet ready to hear who we really are, those who we are not yet ready to tell for fear of losing them forever. 

In a time when I am experiencing life like never before, I am also forced to hold back and feel the pain of not being me. The years of repression were easier at times. During those years, I had not tasted the sweet freedom that comes with being true to myself, the freedom of being me. Now that I have, I am forced every Monday morning to swallow my pride and don once again my male persona. I put on the suit and tie, and I go off to work. I spend the weekdays being “more masculine,” but secretly and slowly letting my body and my gestures relax little by little, but still in a masculine mode of being. 

By Friday, I am ready for a release, time to be me, time to just relax and not worry about how I walk, how I move, how I talk, not having to be anything other than who I am. Even though I cannot fully be me at home, I can still relax enough to feel like me to feel like I am not putting on an act. It is those days between each weekend that I must grit my teeth through, betray who I am on the inside for another week. 

Can I survive these weeks? Of course I can. They are merely the dwindling days of my male facade that I wore for so many years. Each day I put on this persona is one day less. Even though I do not know when the last day will be, I know that each day is one day less. I can see the day when I will be able to walk into work and not have to monitor how I move, how I act, or how I present my gender. At that point I will present as the woman that I am. I know that day will come, and today, this week was one less day, one less week.

I sat down here tonight, not sure what to write, just knowing that I needed to write. Knowing that there were thoughts and feelings inside of me that I needed to get out. I accomplished what I sat here to do, I put my thoughts down, and shared with you at least a little of what I am doing. I look forward to the day when my life can be more of an open book, when I can share the individual joys and accomplishments. Till that day, there is still a purpose to my writing. It is not in vain, it helps me to define who I am, it helps me to put my transition in perspective, and it helps me to let out the frustrations so that I can focus on the positives. Transition is not an easy journey, but it is a journey I must take.

Pondering each step

I’m coming up on a milestone of sorts, tomorrow will be four weeks since I started on full HRT. It’s been an interesting four weeks, filled with excitement, emotional ups and downs, and the beginnings of changes. I have to admit, I went into HRT hoping for the best, but not really having any set expectations. Getting accurate data on the effects of HRT is pretty much impossible. There are many sites that will talk about the common regimens, the possible effects, the possible side effects, and the fact that results will vary. No two sites or papers seem to give the same perspective on HRT, and, I guess, I can’t blame them for this ambiguity.

    The fact of the matter is, HRT is one of the biggest unknowns in the transition process. He know that the hormones will do something to our body, but we don’t know what or to what extent. In my case, I was expecting emotional changes for a few months and then to start noticing physical changes in 3 months or so. My nipples started swelling and hurting after two weeks, and palpable breast buds were present after three weeks. This was a bit surprising to me for a couple of reasons. The first reason being that my doctor starts patients off at a lower dose of estrogen, and the send being that almost everything I read says that these changes start between 3-6 months. 

   Now, I must be honest, I am not at all disappointed in these rapid changes, I am rather trilled by the fact that my body is responding so quickly to the HRT. I am pleased that my body hair does not grow back to quickly when I shave it. I did no have a lot of chest hair, but what I had seemed to be visible again in less than 24 hours. It was dark in spots, and it grew quickly. I also never felt that I could get a close shave when I removed it. There were always bumps and stubble. Now I shave it, and my chest actually feels smooth, and it was four days or so before I could really notice the re-growth. 

   These little advances, these victories, really help to bolster my confidence and make me feel like I am making progress. It helps me see that full time is something achievable, and possibly something that will happen sooner than I initially planned. Not that I set hard a fast dates. You could say that my transition schedule is flexible. I thought I would be starting HRT at the end of July, but that happened about three or four weeks sooner. Right now, my plan is to go full time in July of next year, but I think it will happen sooner. My therapist even dropped the suggestion that I probably will not wait that long. I think that she sees my confidence and the fact that I am kind of charging comfortably forward into each step of transition.

   The way I like to frame my transition is in terms of how what I am doing feels to me. For so long, things I did in life either did not feel right or I was just completely apathetic about what I was doing. Now each thing I do to move myself towards transition feels right. There are days I look at the transition schedules of others and wonder,”Am I going too fast?” I stop and I think that I am going at the pace that is right for me. We each have out own time line, we cannot judge ourselves or others based on our unique timelines. We have to be comfortable with what we are doing, and sometimes , depending on our family situation, others have to be comfortable and ready for the next step.

  I am fortunate to have a spouse who realizes that I need to transition in order to be comfortable and at peace with myself. She realizes that this is something that is part of my core being, and something that I have carried with my for as long as I can remember. For her, it is easier because of our personal situation. We were headed towards divorce. My repression of my gender identity got in the way of our love, and drove us apart. In the end, my coming out saved our friendship and our joint commitment to our children, but the love that was there was lost in many ways. The love that comes with a deep bond of friendship is still there, and it is that friendship that gives her the strength to support and encourage me. 

  Each step in this journey takes me closer towards living my life in a way that is more genuine, and in a manner that will not only bring happiness to my life, but allow me to give to those who are important to me, bringing more joy into their lives.