Where have I been?

To say I have not posted much recently would probably be an severe understatement. I was going along so great with my blog. I was posting on a regular basis, keeping things going, really feeling into it. Then, I went full time, work went super busy, and life just plain got in the way. It was like I no longer had anything significant to say anymore. I was too bust living life to stop and write about it. I also think I began to feel that sitting here writing about what I was doing and what was going through my mind was almost like an exercise in narcissism. I began writing a few posts, and, after rereading, lost interest in them.

They were just too mundane and boring. Boring to me at least. It’s not that I lost interest in writing, it’s just that I lost interest in writing about every little thing that I did. It became clear to me that I no longer cared to write about the details of my transition, my feelings in certain situations, or what the next steps are for me. I just plain lost interest in that.

So, I sit here tonight trying to figure out where I am going with this. Is this a worthwhile endeavor for me? I feel that it is, but what is it I want to say here. I have always felt that my most satisfying posts were those that focused on issues. My all time favorite being the post I wrote about medical benefits for trans people. That was a post and a topic that are still near and dear to my heart.

This was brought home even more by the fact that I have three friends who just underwent GRS, and used three different methods to finance their surgeries. One cashed out retirement funds, another took equity out of her home, and a third will be covered by insurance. What these three stories show is that we are finding any way that we can to pay for transition related expenses. How many of us have maxed out our credit cards for hormones, hair removal, or surgeries. How many still are struggling to figure out how to pay for all of this. The person who is covered by insurance likely would not have been able to get GRS if it were not for coverage recently added by her employer. In fact, she was a scheduled for an orchi when the benefits were announced. She was pretty much resigned to the fact that surgery was just a pipe dream.

So many of us are in that boat. We reach a point in transition where we just cannot afford any more. Where does this leave us? What of the broken dreams of fully aligning our bodies with our minds? The fight needs to continue. We need to continue to expand health coverage for transition related medical expenses. Of course it is a hard sell right now. Not only are we hurting in this economy, but so are many of the employers we work for.

So many times, trans health benefits are carried only by companies that self insure. What exactly does that mean? Well, it means that if an employee takes advantage of let’s say GRS, the surgery is not paid by the insurance company. Rather the employer pays for it through the insurance company. In other words, the insurance company acts merely as a middle man in the transaction, accepting the claims, evaluating them, ensuring they meet the guidelines, and then making payments.

Unfortunately, so many times that benefits are also not paid until after the procedure. What does this mean for us? Well, if we don’t have $20K to pay for surgery, we likely do not have $20K to pay up front and wait for reimbursement from the insurance company. There needs to be better benefits coordination when those benefits do exist. The whole purpose of medical transition benefits is to remove financial barriers to transition. In many instances, these benefits do not remove the barrier, but rather jut changes the barrier.

I would also say that the surgeons need to become more flexible when it comes to insurance coverage. There operate on a cash up front basis, and often are not willing to wait for an insurance company to pay after the surgery has been performed. Essentially, we are forced to pay for the goods before we receive them. And, what choice do we have? There are so few doctors that perform the surgery, so they set the rules. No cash up front, no GRS. In many ways, they help maintain the financial barriers to surgery.

There is a long way to go to fully remove the economic barriers to transition. Medical benefits for transition should be universal, plus there needs to be ENDA in place to help ensure we can keep our jobs so that we can have benefits to help pay for transition related medical expenses. There is a lot of work to be done in both of those areas.

Now, as for my blog, where is it going. I’m not sure right now. It may become more issue focused, exploring the many issues that we all face, with brief glimpses of what is actually going on in my life. I really don’t think it will be the diary/journal it was before. I have move past that in many ways. But, I will forge on, trying to keep this going.

OK, a few quick updates. Work is still going fabulously well. The fact that I am trans is a non-issue, almost never comes up, and nobody treat me any differently. I’m working my butt of in my manager training program so I can get my own branch next month, which is very exciting, and a hell of a lot of work. I am actually managing two branches this month, and doing it well. Oh yeah, speaking of surgery, I am scheduled for my GRS next July in Trinidad. Hoping insurance coverage at my company will be worked out more by then, I cannot exactly put up the money up front and wait for reimbursement, but we shall see. Other than that, I am just enjoying life, though I am really trying to figure out a few things, ad figure out more about who I am. I neglected myself for so long, that I need to get out and finally enjoy being me. It’s time to relax, let down my hair(now that I have hair to let down), and have some fun!

I’ll try and check back in more regularly, but no promises here!

Follow-up thoughts on trans healthcare and coverage

Lately I have been doing more thinking about the issue of health care coverage for trans people. My original post on this topic can be found here. This topic seems to be one that comes up repeatedly, and I think that it is one that deserves more attention and more analysis. Over the next few weeks or so, I am going to do more research into the issue, looking at coverages, barriers to health care access, costs of health care for transitioners, and the medical needs of the transgender community.

A few months ago, we had the Town Hall call on this topic, but I have seen little follow-up in this issue. In fact, we have seen things get worse in some respects. Recently we saw the policy changes allowing doctors to refuse treatments if it goes against their religious beliefs, and this was followed closely by the Pope’s condemnation of homosexuality and transsexual persons. Was this a coincidence? Maybe, but the timing is suspect. I wonder if this will be followed up with statements and opinions about what “good” Catholic doctors should and should not do. I grew up Catholic, and I have always held out hope that the Church will move into the 20th Century, but it seems to continue to root itself in the dark ages. 

Anyway, I would like to ask for your help with this little project of mine. If anyone has any stories about health care issues such as being rejected by doctors, insurance plan issues, or any other problems related to being trans and seeking health care, please e-mail them to me. E-mail me at transgenderhealthcare@gmail.com. I would even like to hear the good stories, the improvements in coverage, etc. When sharing your stories, I will always keep your personal information confidential, but please let me know if you would prefer me not to republish your story as part of this. If you don’t I will just use the information as a reference points as I look for trends, opportunities, or discriminatory practices. Thank you to anyone willing to share their experiences. Also, if you have any good links to information you may feel is relevant, please send me that as well. I think the more information I can pull together, the better I can put together a picture of where we stand today, where we need to be, and some ideas of how we can get there.

More coming out

I’m actually writing this blog from the San Francisco airport. I am on my way back home after spending the weekend out here. I came out for a friends wedding, and also to come out to my dad, my step-mom, and my brother.

    Over the last few weeks, and especially the last few days, I have worried and wondered what their reactions would be. I have hoped for the best, but also deep down inside feared the worst. All along, however, my intuition told me that it would be alright.

On Sunday morning, I had brunch with some of the family. My grandmother was there, and not terribly thrilled about my long hair. Even going so far as to asking me if I would be cutting it prior to an upcoming business trip I have planned for next month. I basically said that I like it long and that I would not be cutting it. Other than that, we had a nice brunch. My grandmother is getting up there in age, she will be 91 soon. I rather felt like this may be the last time I will see her. Not because of transition, but because of her age and health. Time is catching up to her, and it is now really taking its toll on her. It was a sad day because of my thoughts around that. I love my grandmother dearly, but I have also worried the most about her reaction to my coming out as being trans. She is old fashioned, and probably the most religious person in the family. As of right now, I will likely not tell her, but that can change.

After brunch, I manager to make some time to spend with my dad and step-mom. I needed this time, for one I had not seen my dad in a year, and my step-mom in two years. As we began our walk, I basically came right out and said it. I went with the direct approach. I was met with immediate acceptance, understanding, support, love, and a whole bunch of other wonderful emotions. I was told that they support me no matter what, that they want me to be happy, that many of the decisions I have made in the past now make perfect sense. They were wonderful. We had a great conversation about my transition, my family, my future, my work, and everything that is affected by this journey I am undertaking. I wish only that we had more time with them. I cannot tell you how much of a weight lifted from my shoulders with their words of love and support. They even asked when they could start calling me Kathryn, and I said when ever you are ready. Talk about cool! Like my mom and step-dad, they seem to really get it. I am so fortunate to have such wonderful parents, I truly feel fortunate.

After getting my dad and step-mom on the road to their house, I headed over to my moms. Later this same evening I would be coming out to my brother. Another process  that had worried me for some time. I had spent a lot of time talking to my spouse, my mom, my therapist about my worries with him. He came to my moms house for dinner, and unexpectedly brought his kids with him. A small kink in the plan, but hey we were able to work around it. After dinner, the time was right, and my mom and I suggested we go for a little walk outside as there was something I wanted to talk to him about. When we got outside, I went once again with the fairly direct approach, framing it slightly in the context of my not being into sport, drinking, or drinking while watching sports (all things he loves to do but I hate to do!). I then told him I was trans. He had a quiet shocked look on his face at first. My mom then began to share her thoughts, her acceptance, and her support. After some time the look of shock wore away, and was replaced by words of assurance that he would support me no matter what. He did not have many questions yet, though I am sure they will come. Of all I worry about the short term emotional needs. He will probably need the most after coming out follow-up, just to help he deal with his own emotions around it. Dealing with emotions is not his strong suit.

All in all, coming out this weekend went extremely well. I sometimes have to pinch myself, though I always felt that my family would be just as loving and supportive as they have been. My wife also told her parents and brothers this weekend while I was out of town. Again they all voiced their concern, their support, and their love for me. Words and support that touched me to tears. I only wish there were more people in this world like those in my family and those in my wifes family. They represent the true meaning of family. The idea that family is there to love and support no matter what, to only wish the best for those you love, and to hope that those you love find happiness, even if it means transitioning your gender. I feel that, now, my relationships with my friends and family will be deeper and more genuine, and more real than ever before.

Well, I am running out of batteries as I type here at the airport. I thank my friends out there who kept me in their thoughts as I made this journey to take the next important step in coming out. Thank you to all of you.

Relief- Coming out

I had been planning to come out to my mother today for some time now. As I mentioned before, I was quite nervous about this process, as I think many of us are. We fear losing those who we love, losing the connections we have built up over a life time, losing support during a time when we need it the most, in short, we fear rejection. This fear is renewed with each time we come out to someone else.

For me, coming out to my mother caused me so much fear. In the back of my mind I knew that I would never lose her love and acceptance, but, still, I feared for the worse. As this week went by, with her here visiting, I found it hard to hide the fact that I had something substantial on my mind. I could see it in her eyes that she knew I had something I needed to talk about. It began to eat me up. 

Last night, as I went to bed, my spouse asked me how I planned to go about coming out to my mom on Sunday. I was not sure if Sunday would be the right day. I told my spouse that I would do it on Monday.  Today came. We had fun with the girls in the morning, including a water balloon fight in which my mom and I both got soaked by little ones. After that I had some homework to do for school. I was also not feeling well. The stress of not talking to my mom was beginning to eat at me, and make me physically ill.  I managed to work my way through my reading, and then I curled up and I cried. With my face in my pillow I cried in my room until my spouse came in. I told her that I could not wait any longer and asked her to go get my mom.

She did, asking my mom to come upstairs for a minute. Then she gave the reassuring words of,”Be strong.” I don’t think she picked quite the right words before bringing my mom into our room. I was still in tears. After an long embrace, and reassuring my mom first that I was not dying, I explained to her what I have felt and known my whole life and that I was trans. She responded with love and support, concern and reassurance that her love for me would never change. We talked, we laughed, we cried a lot. We talked about hormones, transition, and what the future holds. Later we pulled my step father aside and I came out to him. Again I received words of love, understanding, and support.

A massive weight was lifted from my shoulder today. I received such unconditional love and support from some of the people from whom I value that kind of love and support from. I realized that I have to trust my gut instinct, that I know the people around me so very well. I have formed deep, loving, and trusting relationships with my close family and friends. These are relationship that transcend gender. We accept each other no matter what.

I sit her tonight so grateful for those I have around me, my spouse, my family, my friends. I have many more people to come out to in the future, but the future is a little brighter, a little easier to negotiate with each positive and supportive reaction. This is a difficult journey that we all make, it is one that is filled with so many unknowns. We never really know what lies ahead, how people will react, or what each day will hold. We push ahead anyway, we risk losing it all to become who we truly are inside, to bring our presentation into alignment with the person we are on the inside. We would not take these risks is this were not so vitally important to our living a meaningful and happy life. These are necessary steps. 

I took a risk today, even though it was one I was sure was not a huge risk, and I stepped away from it with the ability to be more honest and true with my mother than I have even been able to be. Her love is so important to me, and I love her so much. Thank you mom for being you and being my mom! And finally and thank you to my friends out there who voiced their support or silently kept me in their thoughts, you are all amazing and I love you all.

Feeling Vulnerable

In about a week, I will come out to my mother. She is coming for a visit starting tomorrow, and she will be here for a little over two weeks. I decided to wait until about a week into her visit for a couple of reasons. One of those being my daughters birthday. If for some reason things do not go well, I do not want a cloud hanging over my daughters birthday party. 

I waited until I would see her face to face. I did not want to do this over the phone, via an e-mail, or my letter. For me, I need to tell each of my parents face to face. But, I am nervous about this. I don’t think that things will go bad. I know it will not be easy, it isn’t for any parent. But, I think that she will be supportive for the most part. And, still, I am nervous. 

A short while go, I told my spouse I was nervous about it, and I broke down in tears. I fight them back now as I type. Not as easy as it used to be. I used to have to fight to make myself cry when I needed to, now I have to fight to hold it back at times. I think I am most apprehensive about spending the  next week in limbo, not being able to tell her, and wanting to desperately to tell her. That makes it harder. Part of me wonders if I will be able to wait that long, if I can hold out. If I cannot, I need a back-up plan, an alternative. I am just not sure what that is yet.

Last Monday, I spoke with my friend who I came out to. She was great, just like she had always been. She teased me like she always does, and I teased he back. I did not feel any difference in our friendship. Just like I knew it would be. She again expressed her first concern when she read my letter, that I would be alone, that she did not want me to feel that I was alone. I am not alone. I have her, my spouse, my sister-in-law. I have a strong support network building up around me. 

At times it feels so foolish to have doubted that any of them would not stand by me, that they would turn tails and run. They have not, they have shown that they are the people I have always known them to be. And yet, despite the successes of the past, I worry about failure in the future. With each time I come out, I worry anew that I will be rejected, that I will face loss. It is not a pleasant feeling, not one that I want to experience, but one that is a part of this journey. 

We all face the fears of rejection, but we are often surprised by the love of our friends and family. Love that transcends our gender, a love that is founded on who we are. That part of us that does not change with transition, the core of our being, often freed to be more genuine by the process of transition. If only there were more people like them in this world, more people who cared about people without prejudice, without preconceptions. Unfortunately, they are all to rare.

I feel like I am moving into a void for the next week, forced to live full time in the one world I no longer want to inhabit, the male world. No time to be me, less privacy, more worry. I know that in the end, no matter how things turn out, I will be alright because of the support that I do have. I may not be around much for a week or two, adding even more to my apprehension. But I will be back, I will be here to write about what has happened in the intervening time. To express my joy or my sadness. For now, I move forward, happy my mom is coming, and nervous about what the visit will hold.

Just another day

Today was, well, just another day. There are more of these lately, more than I have had in quite a long time. What exactly is just another day? Well, I guess you can say its a day when I am just content with the direction in which my life is going. There is not depression like I felt during the years of repression(sorry bad unintentional rhyme), no hormone induced emotional roller coaster, just me being happy looking forward to the future, but content with the present.

I reflected a few times on the important step that Nikki and Breanna took yesterday when they went full time, living as their true selves 24/7. Everything seemed to go very well for them, and I am so excited for them. in a way it really helps me to realize that in the end everything will be ok. This is not to say that the road will be easy. I know there will be difficult times, many of which are behind me, but many of which still lay on the road ahead. Whatever the future holds, I am content that the day will come when I can finally live as my true self. 

For now, I am learning to finally enjoy the simple things in life. To finally be able to take one day at a time, and to experience life. For so many years, I let life pass me by. I could not savor it. I was too wrapped up in hiding from myself, hiding myself from the world, afraid of revealing myself. These days, I live with less of that fear. I wouldn’t even really call it fear anymore. In fact, many times I have to hold myself back from telling people. 

Last Friday, the day after I had gone out to see Trinidad, I had to hold myself back from talking to my employees about the evening I had. I had enjoyed that evening out so much, that I wanted to share it. Instead, I just smiled to myself, realizing that the evening before had been so much fun and the time would come when I would be able to openly share my life and the things that I do. For now, I share the moments with my friends and family who know who I really am. 

While today was just another week, the next few days hold the promise of some fun. The Out & Equal Workplace Summit comes to Austin this week, and with it a few of the contacts I have been speaking with inside my company. Tomorrow I get the chance to meet them face to face. It will be nice to finally meet someone else who has transitioned at the same company, and who has become a great support to me. Because of timing issues, I may have to go in boy mode, but we should be able to plan some other activities later in the week that will allow me to go out as myself. I look forward to that. I hope a few ordinary days will flow into a few extraordinary ones. 

An ordinary day is refreshing, especially in light of all the dark days I have left behind. To Nikki and Breanna, I wish you both many ordinary days, where you can finally just enjoy being you without all the conflict of the past! I look forward to joining you in having those kinds of ordinary days. For now, I will be content with knowing that I am, for the first time in my life, on the right path.

Being Comfortable

Thursday evening, after watching Trinidad, I was out in front of the theater talking to a few friends. To set the scene a little bit and put my thoughts and feelings into perspective, the theater was on Austin’s 6th street. For those of you who are not familiar with 6th Street in Austin, this is a main area for live music, bars, and is heavily trafficked by college students, especially on the weekends. This last Thursday was not different, UT was not is session, so all the college students were looking to get out and have a little fun.

As we stood on the corner in front of a bar next the the theater, college students strolled by on their way to an evening likely filled with too much alcohol and a lot of raucous fun, you know, the kind we used to have back when we were that age. The topic came up about me and my transition and what brought me to the point I am at. We were covering this topic since I had just met one of the people who was with us. I covered my story and what brought me to the point I was at, and then went into some of my current feelings about my transition. For those who know me, you know that I am proceeding rather confidently through my transition, forging ahead with each new step determined making the best of it. I then began to comment on how I felt being out in public as myself, as Kathryn.

I commented on how much more comfortable I was at that moment, standing on that corner, surrounded by college students, much more so than I would have been if I were standing there in “guy mode.” If I were in “guy mode,” I would have been much more self conscious and just not comfortable being out there. I commented on how this is how I have always felt I was meant to be, and I just fell more comfortable this way. There is not stress, no incongruity, no conflicting feelings, just peace and calm. 

In many ways, it is hard to imagine why I had waited so long to take these steps towards transition. I have known for many years that this was a journey I would take, I only kept putting it off. I avoided the issue for fear of rejection, and fear of knowing that it was entirely possible for me to transition successfully. Back then, I had so little confidence in myself, that I couldn’t take that first step. Instead, I went through many years of being uncomfortable every time I was in public. I many ways, it was like walking out the front door naked. I always felt like people were looking at me and judging me by the way I moved. I always tried to walk “more masculine,” and appear to be nothing less than a man. 

To be out as myself is so different. It is such a more genuine way of being for me. The thoughts go through all of our heads when we take our first steps out into the world, dressing for the first time, going to dinner or the store for the first time, the thoughts that,”everyone is looking at me.” For me, those thoughts faded away. I felt less of the “everyone” is looking at more, and more of just a few people may be looking at me. I began to feel more at peace with my surroundings, and more at peace with how I was presenting to the world. In short, I felt more confident. I did have nervousness about interacting with some people, and still do to some extent. As I get out more, that nervousness decreases. I can, however, walk down the street, or walk through the mall without the feeling that people are looking at me and judging my presentation. 

These steps just seem to continue to confirm for me that I am on the right path. They give me confidence to keep moving forward, to push ahead and take the next step. Everything about transition has just felt right. I can honestly say that nothing I have done in my life to date has felt as right as transition does to me. I think part of this comes from the fact that I accepted my gender identity many years ago, and accepted the fact that some day I would transition. I just put it off, until I was coaxed out of my shell and given the opportunity that I needed. I was pulled out of the dark by someone who was supportive and just wanted to see me happy. She did it at a time when things seemed so dark and each night I fell asleep wishing for the opportunity to transition. Because of this, I hit the ground running. I was ready, it was time for me to be me.

Now, I proceed forward with my life, with anticipation that I will finally be comfortable with who I am. With the self confidence that it doesn’t matter what others think of my decision to transition, that it doesn’t matter if people are looking at the way I move or the way I am dressed. What matters for me to be happy is that I am being true to myself. I not longer have to navigate through life being uncomfortable in my own skin. I am shedding that shell, and trading it for a presentation that I am comfortable with. I am getting more confident, more out going, and this is all because I am comfortable.

Trinidad

Last night, the documentary, Trinidad, was shown as part of the Austin Gay and Lesbian International Film Festival. We organized a group to go to dinner and see the film through TENTex. Prior to the film, we met up at the Spaghetti Warehouse. If you visit the Austin area, this is likely a restaurant you may want to skip. It is located right in the Warehouse district, and is reasonably priced, but it not the best Italian food in the world. Fortunately, the company was much better than the food. I don’t want to complain too much about the food, since it is a restaurant with ample space and reasonable enough to accommodate everyones budget. Dinner gave me the opportunity to meet a few people who I had not had a chance to meet, so for this it was a wonderful meal. I elected for the chicken alfredo, which was not really very tasty, but I was hungry, so it served a purpose. 

After dinner, a few of us rushed ahead to the theater to make sure we got tickets for everyone, unfortunately you could not buy tickets in advance. The theater, which we were told was just a few blocks away ended up being six or seven blocks away. Half way through this walk, I figured out that my shoes, which I had only worn once before, were starting to rub on my toes. It ended up being a bit of a painful walk, not to mention I was going to have to walk this distance back to my car at the end of the evening.

Anyway, we got the theater only to find a very long line in front. This is not your average metroplex with 500 screens. It only has two screens and is an Alamo Draft House cinema. For those of you not familiar with Alamo Draft house, these are theaters in which there is full service dinning during the film, and yes that included beer, wine, and mixed drinks. Because there are tables at each row of seating, the theater probably only hold half of what a similarly sized theater will hold. When we got the front of the line, we realized the theater was going to be packed. I had to wait while they tried to figure out how many seat were left. In order to keep our group together, which numbered 15 or so, we had to sit in the front row. You know, the row where you are looking almost straight up to see the film. The last time I sat in that row was when I was ten years old and went to see Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom with my best friend. Again those were the only seats left for us.

Were were very fortunate to at least get seats where we could all sit together. Once seated, we were introduced to the directors of the fild, PJ Raval and Jay Hodges. These are two local film makers, so even though the film was about Trinidad, Colorado, it was really kind of an Austin film, which is pretty cool.

For those of you who have not heard of the film, Trinidad is about Trinidad, Colorado, and follows not only Dr. Mari Bowers, but also two other trans women, and takes a look at the setting in which Dr. Biber began his practice, and the setting in which Dr. Bowers continues his work. One of the reasons the directors chose this location and this particular surgeon was the apparent dichotomy of GRS being done in what is essentially a frontier town. 

Trinidad has a population of approximately 9,000 souls, and is very much still a part of the wild west. It is not unlike many towns you would find in West Texas. For those of you who have never ventured into West Texas, let me tell you it is probably not the most LGBT friendly part of the state, and is probably very fundamentalist is their view points. It was interesting to see in the film that despite the apparent similarities to such areas, Trinidad is really a very accepting place. When you get past all the churches and pick-up trucks, you find a town that is really at ease with the idea that Trinidad is considered such a special place for many in the transgender community.

One thing I had a difficult time with the in film was the fact that some considered Trinidad to be a kind of spiritual center for the transsexual community. This view just did not sit well with me. I can understand and appreciate the importance that this location plays in the lives of trans women who had had their GRS performed in Trinidad. This is not small even in the lives of these women. But, to say that it is more important than other locations where GRS is being performed really, to me, minimizes the importance of those other surgeons and locations to the women who travel there to have their GRS performed. I tend to take the point of view that the trans community is extremely diverse, and when we place a value on one path to transition or one surgeon over other, we minimize the experience of those women who have chosen a different path or a different physician.

Anyway, back to the film. The film also followed two trans women who planned to open a recovery center for women having their GRS performed by Dr Bowers. These women liquidated what they had, and planned to renovate a house and open it as a recovery house within six months. The renovations ended up stretching out over a year. During the course of that time, I sensed this real resentment that Dr Bowers was not helping to fund the renovation and help open the house. 

This resentment really bothered me. The project, at least to my knowledge, was not started because Dr Bowers asked them to do it. Instead, it felt as though these women wanted to be a part of Dr Bowers success, and expected her to embrace their efforts fully and support them in their efforts. There were several things that went wrong along the way, and I can completely understand Dr Bowers not getting financially involved in the project. 

Overall, I really enjoyed the film. I am still mulling over many aspects of it, and considering much of what I saw and learned. It is thought provoking. Not only does it make one consider the journey of transition, but it also makes you consider the idea that not everyone is as they may appear. Just as we ask that people not judge us for being trans, we have to realize that we cannot judge everyone else on how they appear. Trinidad, CO may appear from a distance to be a town that would not be accepting of the transgender community, and would be an unlikely place for GRS surgery to be occuring. Yet, the town supported Dr Biber when he was alive, and they welcomed Dr Bowers into the community to continue Dr Biber’s work. Dr Bowers continues her work in, of all places, a Catholic hospital in a town on the edge of civilization. 

I may write more about this film later, as I reflect more on the film, the issues present in the film, and the people involved. This film really touches on many aspects of transition, family, children, acceptance, employment, prejudice, and the journey of self acceptance. If you have a chance to catch a screening I would highly recommend it. 

After the film, I got a chance to go out with some friends to a bar across the street. This was an opportunity to talk more about transition and just spend time with some good friends. One topic that came up was about comfort, and being comfortable in a new gender role. This is an important topic to me and I will talk about it in my next post, so I won’t go into too much detail here.

One last thing I do have to mention, mostly because I am sure Tiana is dying for me to write about it. Last night I got hit on for the first time. As we walked into the bar, I was approached by a guy who asked me if I was 21. I said that I was. He then asked if I was really 21, and flashed a badge. I again said that I was over 21. He said we wanted me to step to the back of the bar with him. I asked him to se his badge again, he then used the line he was working his way up to. He asked me to step to the back of the bar and ,”Put you legs behind your head.” Obviously a seriously bad way to pick up on a woman, but flattering none the less. We laughed and and pleasantly declined. I think I left that interaction bright red and with a big smile on my face. Tiana teased me about it the rest of the evening. It was certainly flattering, and very much a confidence booster. Having at one time wondered if I would ever pass to being hit on in a regular bar was definitely something that boosted my confidence. And this happened well before midnight, so the guy was not even drunk yet!

All in all this was a wonderful evening and just nice to be able to go out in the middle of the week. unfortunately I am going to be missing out on some media training being given by GLADD this weekend. I was really hoping to be able to make that, but it was not in the cards this week. I hope they will offer this training again in the near future. Hope the rest of you had a great week and have a great weekend!

One of those weeks

I sit here, really wanting to write. I have the strong desire to write something, but few ideas about what I want to write, or what I can write. I think that is part of being stuck in between these two worlds. There is so much going on in my life, but very little I am comfortable sharing openly and in the public at this time. Most of what I write about are the issues that we all face as transgender men and women and some of the things I do when I get to go out and be myself. 

There is so much more to my life, so much more going on, but most of it happens in the days between when I am free to be me. Some of it is important stuff that will lay the ground work for that first day when I begin to live my life as the woman I have always known myself to be. Other things are the everyday things, what is going on at work, what my daughters are doing, and all the other fun and not so fun things going on in my life. Often I am hesitant to share these experiences. Mostly this come from a fear of revealing to much and having someone in my professional or personal life find out about me before I am ready for them to find out. 

A while back I sat down and typed out a lengthy introduction. I felt that I needed to write something about who I am, where I came from, and how I got to this point I am at now. For now, that introduction sits in my drafts folder, collecting dust. It sits there trapped by my worry that it will reveal too much, that it will out me somewhere. This may be misplaced worry, but there have been some of us who have been outed by our blogs and web pages. The fear is real, but it is hard for my to accept. 

I stepped into my transition confident and ready to move forward. Since that time, I have proceeded with confidence, and the knowledge that I am doing the right thing. I am doing something that feel right, something that feels better than anything I have done before in my life, and yet I hide behind vague references to what is going on in my life, able to reveal details to the very few. That part does not feel right, that part feels like a betrayal of who I am, and yet it is a necessary part of this journey. In our journeys to find our true selves and become who we have always been on the inside, we are forced to hide. We must protect our thoughts, our joys, our pains, our journey from those who would use it against us, from those who are not yet ready to hear who we really are, those who we are not yet ready to tell for fear of losing them forever. 

In a time when I am experiencing life like never before, I am also forced to hold back and feel the pain of not being me. The years of repression were easier at times. During those years, I had not tasted the sweet freedom that comes with being true to myself, the freedom of being me. Now that I have, I am forced every Monday morning to swallow my pride and don once again my male persona. I put on the suit and tie, and I go off to work. I spend the weekdays being “more masculine,” but secretly and slowly letting my body and my gestures relax little by little, but still in a masculine mode of being. 

By Friday, I am ready for a release, time to be me, time to just relax and not worry about how I walk, how I move, how I talk, not having to be anything other than who I am. Even though I cannot fully be me at home, I can still relax enough to feel like me to feel like I am not putting on an act. It is those days between each weekend that I must grit my teeth through, betray who I am on the inside for another week. 

Can I survive these weeks? Of course I can. They are merely the dwindling days of my male facade that I wore for so many years. Each day I put on this persona is one day less. Even though I do not know when the last day will be, I know that each day is one day less. I can see the day when I will be able to walk into work and not have to monitor how I move, how I act, or how I present my gender. At that point I will present as the woman that I am. I know that day will come, and today, this week was one less day, one less week.

I sat down here tonight, not sure what to write, just knowing that I needed to write. Knowing that there were thoughts and feelings inside of me that I needed to get out. I accomplished what I sat here to do, I put my thoughts down, and shared with you at least a little of what I am doing. I look forward to the day when my life can be more of an open book, when I can share the individual joys and accomplishments. Till that day, there is still a purpose to my writing. It is not in vain, it helps me to define who I am, it helps me to put my transition in perspective, and it helps me to let out the frustrations so that I can focus on the positives. Transition is not an easy journey, but it is a journey I must take.

Surgical Status, Important or Irrelevant?

During lunch yesterday, when we were doing introductions, a few people at the table included their surgical status as part of their introduction. I declined to say anything about mine, in fact I nearly introduced myself saying that my surgical status is not important, but I held back. The subject was brought up by someone else at the lunch, saying that we should avoid identifying ourselves by our surgical status. She made some very valid points, such as the need to overcome the societal view that transition is all about the surgery, and the validity of all surgical statuses, pre, post, and non. What are your thoughts on this topic? I am doing my first poll here on this topic, and I would love to see a discussion on this as well. Let me know what you think.