Relief- Coming out

I had been planning to come out to my mother today for some time now. As I mentioned before, I was quite nervous about this process, as I think many of us are. We fear losing those who we love, losing the connections we have built up over a life time, losing support during a time when we need it the most, in short, we fear rejection. This fear is renewed with each time we come out to someone else.

For me, coming out to my mother caused me so much fear. In the back of my mind I knew that I would never lose her love and acceptance, but, still, I feared for the worse. As this week went by, with her here visiting, I found it hard to hide the fact that I had something substantial on my mind. I could see it in her eyes that she knew I had something I needed to talk about. It began to eat me up. 

Last night, as I went to bed, my spouse asked me how I planned to go about coming out to my mom on Sunday. I was not sure if Sunday would be the right day. I told my spouse that I would do it on Monday.  Today came. We had fun with the girls in the morning, including a water balloon fight in which my mom and I both got soaked by little ones. After that I had some homework to do for school. I was also not feeling well. The stress of not talking to my mom was beginning to eat at me, and make me physically ill.  I managed to work my way through my reading, and then I curled up and I cried. With my face in my pillow I cried in my room until my spouse came in. I told her that I could not wait any longer and asked her to go get my mom.

She did, asking my mom to come upstairs for a minute. Then she gave the reassuring words of,”Be strong.” I don’t think she picked quite the right words before bringing my mom into our room. I was still in tears. After an long embrace, and reassuring my mom first that I was not dying, I explained to her what I have felt and known my whole life and that I was trans. She responded with love and support, concern and reassurance that her love for me would never change. We talked, we laughed, we cried a lot. We talked about hormones, transition, and what the future holds. Later we pulled my step father aside and I came out to him. Again I received words of love, understanding, and support.

A massive weight was lifted from my shoulder today. I received such unconditional love and support from some of the people from whom I value that kind of love and support from. I realized that I have to trust my gut instinct, that I know the people around me so very well. I have formed deep, loving, and trusting relationships with my close family and friends. These are relationship that transcend gender. We accept each other no matter what.

I sit her tonight so grateful for those I have around me, my spouse, my family, my friends. I have many more people to come out to in the future, but the future is a little brighter, a little easier to negotiate with each positive and supportive reaction. This is a difficult journey that we all make, it is one that is filled with so many unknowns. We never really know what lies ahead, how people will react, or what each day will hold. We push ahead anyway, we risk losing it all to become who we truly are inside, to bring our presentation into alignment with the person we are on the inside. We would not take these risks is this were not so vitally important to our living a meaningful and happy life. These are necessary steps. 

I took a risk today, even though it was one I was sure was not a huge risk, and I stepped away from it with the ability to be more honest and true with my mother than I have even been able to be. Her love is so important to me, and I love her so much. Thank you mom for being you and being my mom! And finally and thank you to my friends out there who voiced their support or silently kept me in their thoughts, you are all amazing and I love you all.

Feeling Vulnerable

In about a week, I will come out to my mother. She is coming for a visit starting tomorrow, and she will be here for a little over two weeks. I decided to wait until about a week into her visit for a couple of reasons. One of those being my daughters birthday. If for some reason things do not go well, I do not want a cloud hanging over my daughters birthday party. 

I waited until I would see her face to face. I did not want to do this over the phone, via an e-mail, or my letter. For me, I need to tell each of my parents face to face. But, I am nervous about this. I don’t think that things will go bad. I know it will not be easy, it isn’t for any parent. But, I think that she will be supportive for the most part. And, still, I am nervous. 

A short while go, I told my spouse I was nervous about it, and I broke down in tears. I fight them back now as I type. Not as easy as it used to be. I used to have to fight to make myself cry when I needed to, now I have to fight to hold it back at times. I think I am most apprehensive about spending the  next week in limbo, not being able to tell her, and wanting to desperately to tell her. That makes it harder. Part of me wonders if I will be able to wait that long, if I can hold out. If I cannot, I need a back-up plan, an alternative. I am just not sure what that is yet.

Last Monday, I spoke with my friend who I came out to. She was great, just like she had always been. She teased me like she always does, and I teased he back. I did not feel any difference in our friendship. Just like I knew it would be. She again expressed her first concern when she read my letter, that I would be alone, that she did not want me to feel that I was alone. I am not alone. I have her, my spouse, my sister-in-law. I have a strong support network building up around me. 

At times it feels so foolish to have doubted that any of them would not stand by me, that they would turn tails and run. They have not, they have shown that they are the people I have always known them to be. And yet, despite the successes of the past, I worry about failure in the future. With each time I come out, I worry anew that I will be rejected, that I will face loss. It is not a pleasant feeling, not one that I want to experience, but one that is a part of this journey. 

We all face the fears of rejection, but we are often surprised by the love of our friends and family. Love that transcends our gender, a love that is founded on who we are. That part of us that does not change with transition, the core of our being, often freed to be more genuine by the process of transition. If only there were more people like them in this world, more people who cared about people without prejudice, without preconceptions. Unfortunately, they are all to rare.

I feel like I am moving into a void for the next week, forced to live full time in the one world I no longer want to inhabit, the male world. No time to be me, less privacy, more worry. I know that in the end, no matter how things turn out, I will be alright because of the support that I do have. I may not be around much for a week or two, adding even more to my apprehension. But I will be back, I will be here to write about what has happened in the intervening time. To express my joy or my sadness. For now, I move forward, happy my mom is coming, and nervous about what the visit will hold.