More coming out

I’m actually writing this blog from the San Francisco airport. I am on my way back home after spending the weekend out here. I came out for a friends wedding, and also to come out to my dad, my step-mom, and my brother.

    Over the last few weeks, and especially the last few days, I have worried and wondered what their reactions would be. I have hoped for the best, but also deep down inside feared the worst. All along, however, my intuition told me that it would be alright.

On Sunday morning, I had brunch with some of the family. My grandmother was there, and not terribly thrilled about my long hair. Even going so far as to asking me if I would be cutting it prior to an upcoming business trip I have planned for next month. I basically said that I like it long and that I would not be cutting it. Other than that, we had a nice brunch. My grandmother is getting up there in age, she will be 91 soon. I rather felt like this may be the last time I will see her. Not because of transition, but because of her age and health. Time is catching up to her, and it is now really taking its toll on her. It was a sad day because of my thoughts around that. I love my grandmother dearly, but I have also worried the most about her reaction to my coming out as being trans. She is old fashioned, and probably the most religious person in the family. As of right now, I will likely not tell her, but that can change.

After brunch, I manager to make some time to spend with my dad and step-mom. I needed this time, for one I had not seen my dad in a year, and my step-mom in two years. As we began our walk, I basically came right out and said it. I went with the direct approach. I was met with immediate acceptance, understanding, support, love, and a whole bunch of other wonderful emotions. I was told that they support me no matter what, that they want me to be happy, that many of the decisions I have made in the past now make perfect sense. They were wonderful. We had a great conversation about my transition, my family, my future, my work, and everything that is affected by this journey I am undertaking. I wish only that we had more time with them. I cannot tell you how much of a weight lifted from my shoulders with their words of love and support. They even asked when they could start calling me Kathryn, and I said when ever you are ready. Talk about cool! Like my mom and step-dad, they seem to really get it. I am so fortunate to have such wonderful parents, I truly feel fortunate.

After getting my dad and step-mom on the road to their house, I headed over to my moms. Later this same evening I would be coming out to my brother. Another process  that had worried me for some time. I had spent a lot of time talking to my spouse, my mom, my therapist about my worries with him. He came to my moms house for dinner, and unexpectedly brought his kids with him. A small kink in the plan, but hey we were able to work around it. After dinner, the time was right, and my mom and I suggested we go for a little walk outside as there was something I wanted to talk to him about. When we got outside, I went once again with the fairly direct approach, framing it slightly in the context of my not being into sport, drinking, or drinking while watching sports (all things he loves to do but I hate to do!). I then told him I was trans. He had a quiet shocked look on his face at first. My mom then began to share her thoughts, her acceptance, and her support. After some time the look of shock wore away, and was replaced by words of assurance that he would support me no matter what. He did not have many questions yet, though I am sure they will come. Of all I worry about the short term emotional needs. He will probably need the most after coming out follow-up, just to help he deal with his own emotions around it. Dealing with emotions is not his strong suit.

All in all, coming out this weekend went extremely well. I sometimes have to pinch myself, though I always felt that my family would be just as loving and supportive as they have been. My wife also told her parents and brothers this weekend while I was out of town. Again they all voiced their concern, their support, and their love for me. Words and support that touched me to tears. I only wish there were more people in this world like those in my family and those in my wifes family. They represent the true meaning of family. The idea that family is there to love and support no matter what, to only wish the best for those you love, and to hope that those you love find happiness, even if it means transitioning your gender. I feel that, now, my relationships with my friends and family will be deeper and more genuine, and more real than ever before.

Well, I am running out of batteries as I type here at the airport. I thank my friends out there who kept me in their thoughts as I made this journey to take the next important step in coming out. Thank you to all of you.

Published in: on November 10, 2008 at 7:01 pm Comments (9)
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Thoughts on Independence Day

I sit here on July 4th, Independence Day, contemplating the significance of the day, and how my independence and my rights fit into the struggle of our countries founders to gain independence and broader rights. This year has been filled with many significant events. We continue to battle for an inclusive ENDA all the while the fight at state and local levels continues as well. I think we have probably seen that in many instances, gaining rights on the local level is often easier than gaining them on the Federal level. Colorado passed legislation protecting rights based on gender identity, despite some pretty offensive ads that were aired. I believe that it is these local victories that will pave the way for broader victories in the future. 

The LGBTQ community scored a major victory this year with the court ruling in California which extended the right to marry to all people, regardless of sex. We now have two states out of fifty that allow marriage equality. Two down, 48 to go. It may seem like a lot of work ahead, and it is, but I think one only needs to look at the increasing pace at which legislation is being passed to protect people on the basis of gender identity on the state and local levels. 

IN 1975, Minneapolis passed the first even legislation that protected the transgender community. This was unheard of at the time. During that decade, two other municipalities took similar action, Los Angeles, CA and Urbana, IL. I never heard of Urbana, IL, yet they were way ahead of the rest of the country in their crafting of legislation in the 1970’s. We saw things slow down for a while, with only two similar laws being enacted in the 1980’s, and the 90’s got off to a slow start with only 5 such laws being enacted during the fist half of the decade. 

On July 4th, 1996, In Houston, TX, not exactly the most LGBT friendly state(I do live in Texas by the way and have found acceptance when I live), the International Bill of Gender Rights was adopted at the 6th and final conference of the International Conference on Transgender Law and Employment Policy(ICTLEP). In the years that followed, we saw and dramatic increase in the number of states and municipalities passing gender identity protections. The following two years saw the passage of more legislation than the previous two decades. Since the year 2000 ,we have seen over approximately 80 such laws or ordinances being passed. Talk about acceleration.

As we have gained rights, congress has finally taken notice. ENDA was initially set to go before congress with protections for gender identity, we all know what happened there, thanks in no small part to our friends at HRC. The ensuing uproar over the issue has had a ripple affect. People throughout the LGBTQ community have stood up and said that they are not going to leave us behind. Lesbian, Gay, and Bi allies are showing their support through actions such as boycotting HRC events, and organization that was founded to support the rights of the LGB community, and probably had a significant impact on the rights that they now enjoy. But, the outrage has been so strong, that they are willing to turn their back on this organization, and stand next to us as we fight to be included in employment non-discrimination legislation.

We have had the first ever hearing on transgender issues and employment discrimination before a house subcommittee. I think most of us thought that day would be years or decades away after the ENDA events. But, our voices have been heard. We are gaining recognition. We may be a small community, but we are a vocal community, we are a community with allies and support, and we are a community that will not rest until we have equal rights. We are not asking for special rights. We are only asking for the rights that every cisgender American has, the rights to job, housing, education, health care, insurance, and the right to the American dream. 

Below I have included the text of the text of the International Bill of Gender Rights. I think that the rights enumerated in the IBGR will one day be ours. It may not be today, or tomorrow, but if we continue to educate and enlighten, and we continue to fight, we can attain the rights the we should not have had to give up when we chose transition over death. No other Americans have to give up rights when they choose life over death, why should we?

 

The International Bill of Gender Rights.

(As adopted June 17, 1995 Houston, Texas, USA)

“The International Bill of Gender Rights (IBGR) strives to express human and civil rights from a gender perspective. However, the ten rights enunciated below are not to be viewed as special rights applicable to a particular interest group. Nor are these rights limited in application to persons for whom gender identity and gender role issues are of paramount concern. All ten sections of the IBGR are universal rights which can be claimed and exercised by every human being.” 


The Right to Define Gender Identity

All human beings carry within themselves an ever-unfolding idea of who they are and what they are capable of achieving. The individuals sense of self is not determined by chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role. Thus, the individuals identity and capabilities cannot be circumscribed by what society deems to be masculine or feminine behavior. It is fundamental that individuals have the right to define, and to redefine as their lives unfold, their own gender identities, without regard to chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role.

Therefore, all human beings have the right to define their own gender identity regardless of chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role; and further, no individual shall be denied Human or Civil Rights by virtue of a self-defined gender identity which is not in accord with chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role.

The Right To Free Expression Of Gender Identity

Given the right to define ones own gender identity, all human beings have the corresponding right to free expression of their self-defined gender identity.

Therefore, all human beings have the right to free expression of their self-defined gender identity; and further, no individual shall be denied Human or Civil Rights by virtue of the expression of a self-defined gender identity.

The Right To Secure And Retain Employment And To Receive Just Compensation

Given the economic structure of modem society, all human beings have 8 right to train for and to pursue an occupation or profession as a means of providing shelter, sustenance, and the necessities and bounty of life, for themselves and for those dependent upon them, to secure and retain employment, and to receive just compensation for their labor regardless of gender identity, chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role.

Therefore, individuals shall not be denied the right to train for and to pursue an occupation or profession, nor be denied the right to secure and retain employment, nor be denied just compensation for their labor, by virtue of their chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role, or on the basis of a self-defined gender identity or the expression thereof.

The Right Of Access To Gendered Space And Participation In Gendered Activity

Given the right to define one’s own gender identity and the corresponding right to free expression of a self-defined gender identity, no individual should be denied access to a space or denied participation in an activity by virtue of a self-defined gender identity which i5 not in accord with chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role.

Therefore, no individual shall be denied access to a space or denied participation in an activity by virtue of a self-defined gender identity which is not in accord with chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role.

The Right To Control And Change One’s Own Body

All human beings have the right to control their bodies, which includes the right to change their bodies cosmetically, chemically, or surgically, so as to express a self-defined gender identity.

Therefore, individuals shall not be denied the right to change their bodies as a means of expressing a self-defined gender identity; and further, individuals shall not be denied Human or Civil Rights on the basis that they have changed their bodies cosmetically, chemically, or surgically, or desire to do so as a means of expressing a self-defined gender identity.

The Right To Competent Medical And Professional Care

Given the individual’s right to define one’s own gender identity, and the right to change one’s own body as a means of expressing a self-defined gender identity, no individual should be denied access to competent medical or other professional care on the basis of the individual’s chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role.

Therefore, individuals shall not be denied the right to competent medical or other professional care when changing their bodies cosmetically, chemically, or surgically, on the basis of chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role.

The Right To Freedom From Psychiatric Diagnosis Or Treatment

Given the right to define one’s own gender identity, individuals should not be subject to psychiatric diagnosis or treatment solely on the basis of their gender identity or role.

Therefore, individuals shall not be subject to psychiatric diagnosis or treatment as mentally disordered or diseased solely on the basis of a self-defined gender identity or the expression thereof.

The Right To Sexual Expression

Given the right to a self-defined gender identity, every consenting adult has a corresponding right to free sexual expression.

Therefore, no individual’s Human or Civil Rights shall be denied on the basis of sexual orientation; and further, no individual shall be denied Human or Civil Rights for expression of a self-defined gender identity through sexual acts between consenting adults.

The Right To Form Committed, Loving Relationships And Enter Into Marital Contracts

Given that all human beings have the right to free expression of self-defined gender identities, and the right to sexual expression as a form of gender expression, a/l human beings have a corresponding right to form committed, loving relationships with one another, and to enter into marital contracts, regardless of their own or their partner’s chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role.

Therefore, individuals shall not be denied the right to form committed, loving relationships with one another or to enter into marital contracts by virtue of their own or their partner’s chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role, or on the basis of their expression of a self-defined gender identity.

The Right To Conceive, Bear, Or Adopt Children; The Right To Nurture And Have Custody Of Children And To Exercise Parental Capacity

Given the right to form a committed, loving relationship with another, and to enter into marital contracts, together with the right to express a self-defined gender identity and the right to sexual expression, individuals have a corresponding right to conceive and bear children, to adopt children, to nurture children, to have custody of children, and to exercise parental capacity with respect to children, natural or adopted, without regard to chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, or initial gender role, or by virtue of a self-defined gender identity or the expression thereof.

Therefore, individuals shall not be denied the right to conceive, bear, or adopt children, nor to nurture and have custody of children, nor to exercise parental capacity with respect to children, natural or adopted, on the basis of their own, their partner’s, or their children’s chromosomal sex, genitalia, assigned birth sex, initial gender role, or by virtue of a self-defined gender identity or the expression thereof.

Published in: on July 4, 2008 at 8:51 pm Comments (3)
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