More coming out

I’m actually writing this blog from the San Francisco airport. I am on my way back home after spending the weekend out here. I came out for a friends wedding, and also to come out to my dad, my step-mom, and my brother.

    Over the last few weeks, and especially the last few days, I have worried and wondered what their reactions would be. I have hoped for the best, but also deep down inside feared the worst. All along, however, my intuition told me that it would be alright.

On Sunday morning, I had brunch with some of the family. My grandmother was there, and not terribly thrilled about my long hair. Even going so far as to asking me if I would be cutting it prior to an upcoming business trip I have planned for next month. I basically said that I like it long and that I would not be cutting it. Other than that, we had a nice brunch. My grandmother is getting up there in age, she will be 91 soon. I rather felt like this may be the last time I will see her. Not because of transition, but because of her age and health. Time is catching up to her, and it is now really taking its toll on her. It was a sad day because of my thoughts around that. I love my grandmother dearly, but I have also worried the most about her reaction to my coming out as being trans. She is old fashioned, and probably the most religious person in the family. As of right now, I will likely not tell her, but that can change.

After brunch, I manager to make some time to spend with my dad and step-mom. I needed this time, for one I had not seen my dad in a year, and my step-mom in two years. As we began our walk, I basically came right out and said it. I went with the direct approach. I was met with immediate acceptance, understanding, support, love, and a whole bunch of other wonderful emotions. I was told that they support me no matter what, that they want me to be happy, that many of the decisions I have made in the past now make perfect sense. They were wonderful. We had a great conversation about my transition, my family, my future, my work, and everything that is affected by this journey I am undertaking. I wish only that we had more time with them. I cannot tell you how much of a weight lifted from my shoulders with their words of love and support. They even asked when they could start calling me Kathryn, and I said when ever you are ready. Talk about cool! Like my mom and step-dad, they seem to really get it. I am so fortunate to have such wonderful parents, I truly feel fortunate.

After getting my dad and step-mom on the road to their house, I headed over to my moms. Later this same evening I would be coming out to my brother. Another process  that had worried me for some time. I had spent a lot of time talking to my spouse, my mom, my therapist about my worries with him. He came to my moms house for dinner, and unexpectedly brought his kids with him. A small kink in the plan, but hey we were able to work around it. After dinner, the time was right, and my mom and I suggested we go for a little walk outside as there was something I wanted to talk to him about. When we got outside, I went once again with the fairly direct approach, framing it slightly in the context of my not being into sport, drinking, or drinking while watching sports (all things he loves to do but I hate to do!). I then told him I was trans. He had a quiet shocked look on his face at first. My mom then began to share her thoughts, her acceptance, and her support. After some time the look of shock wore away, and was replaced by words of assurance that he would support me no matter what. He did not have many questions yet, though I am sure they will come. Of all I worry about the short term emotional needs. He will probably need the most after coming out follow-up, just to help he deal with his own emotions around it. Dealing with emotions is not his strong suit.

All in all, coming out this weekend went extremely well. I sometimes have to pinch myself, though I always felt that my family would be just as loving and supportive as they have been. My wife also told her parents and brothers this weekend while I was out of town. Again they all voiced their concern, their support, and their love for me. Words and support that touched me to tears. I only wish there were more people in this world like those in my family and those in my wifes family. They represent the true meaning of family. The idea that family is there to love and support no matter what, to only wish the best for those you love, and to hope that those you love find happiness, even if it means transitioning your gender. I feel that, now, my relationships with my friends and family will be deeper and more genuine, and more real than ever before.

Well, I am running out of batteries as I type here at the airport. I thank my friends out there who kept me in their thoughts as I made this journey to take the next important step in coming out. Thank you to all of you.

Still Here, Still Going Strong

I realized over the last few days that it has been some time since I blogged about what has been going on with me. It’s certainly not for a lack of anything to write about, more like a lack of time to write about anything.

  Earlier this month, I came out to my mom. Her reaction, and our subsequent conversations and discussions have been so much better than I could have ever hoped for. I have been fortunate with the reactions of those to whom I have come out. They have been positive, supportive, and encouraging. Yet, I still worry with each person I prepare to come out to. I guess I am still bracing for negative reactions, and I am occasionally surprised when there is not negative reaction. My spouse attributes this to the person that I am, and the depth and the nature of the relationships I have with those close to me.

I also see it as a factor of the types of friends I have made, and those whom I have considered my close friends. Throughout my life, I didn’t have a large group of friends, but rather a smaller group of very close friends. There were typically people who did not pass judgement on others, people who did not expect their friends to conform to so imposed set of expectations, they were people who valued friends for who they were not who they wanted their friends to be. These are the same people who stood by me through all of lifes twists and turns. Even when they thought I should be taking a different path, they supported me still. They were true friends.

Over the next few weeks, I will be coming out to more and more people. I expect by the end of November, nearly everyone in my family will know, most of my friends will know, and word will get out to acquaintances about what I am going through. I will be out to nearly everyone in my life. The lone exception will be work and my co-workers. I am out to HR and a couple other people involved in out LGBT employee group, but only for the purposes of transition planning. As for my local co-workers, no one knows yet. That will likely come next year. There is still a lot more planning to do at work, but that time will come as well.

I sometimes think about where that leaves me now. The amount of space I have to be me is growing. When I am out to my kids, I will be able to be me when I am home, but, at work, I will still have to act and be “male.” The less I have to be male, the more relief I feel, the more comfort and peace I experience. Peace and comfort I have not known for a long time.

How We Transition

I wanted to talk about a subject that has come up recently on other blogs and other areas of the net. The story of Mike Penner led to a lot of disappointment and blog activity in the community, and some great discussions surrounding transition, detransition, and being comfortable with who we are.

This really has led me to consider more about what it means to be trans, what it means to be comfortable with who we are. While the term transgender has become one that encompasses a wide range of gender presentations, the term transsexual is still often viewed in a very narrow manner. Still people see the transition process of being transsexual as being an all or nothing proposition. Still, there are many who take very different approaches to transition.

How much one transition, if at all, or the amount of time one actually spends living in the gender role with which they identify is a uniquely individual decision. For some, family and employment concerns prevent a full transition, others transition in spite of the loss of friends, family,and employment, while others may experience little or no loss associated with transition. For most, whether they transition or not depends on how comfortable they are only being part time in the gender role with which they identify. Others still have found that they are comfortable living a more gender queer existence, living outside the gender binary. There are so many variations on transitions that I could not possibly discuss them all here.

The point that I am trying to make is that transition is not an all or nothing proposition. Just because I know that I will not be comfortable with anything less than a full transition does not diminish the validity of those who decide not to transition and are comfortable with where they are. How does this relate to Mike Penner? Not knowing him personally, and not knowing all the details of his transition, I can only speak from limited knowledge. But, I wonder if we more openly embraced the full spectrum of transsexual expression if Mike’s story might have played out differently, or would he have still tried living full time as Christine? I have heard from people on the cusp of making a full transition come to terms with the fat that they could live comfortably between the two genders.

Even withing the trans community, the gender binary can still rear it ugly head. There are those who think that one has to transition fully and live in a very feminine gender role. That is a decision that each individual must come to on their own, it must be something that they are comfortable with. If they are not, then the result is detransition. Sometimes we see a very negative reaction to detransition, this fear that an individual detransitioning somehow reduces our validity in the eyes of those who do not look favorably on our existence. In some cases, detransition is a bit sensationalized. In the case of Mike Penner, it seems to have been done very quietly. The loudest voice seem to have come from inside the transgender community. His detransition, I think, gives more validity to the process that we go through. Some who may not like the standards of care or choose to ignore them all together may not like anything that gives more credence to the process they lay out. In the case of Mike Penner, the SOC worked, he decided he wanted to detransition. He did this before undergoing GRS. Imagine how much more dramatic the story could be if he had undergone GRS. One only needs to look at some of the other stories that have come out in the last year or so. This is far less meaty of a story. It’s no wonder the media does not seem to have picked up on it.

In the end, being trans is not a choice, but we do all have decisions to make about how we deal with being trans. How and why we transition is as individual as each person is. In the end we must be comfortable with our decisions. I spent too many sleepless nights to not transition. Even though I am on my way to transition, I still feel the pains of dysphoria when I spend an entire work week being male, and I feel relief when I am able to take the suit of and just be me. For me it is obvious that I cannot live between the two worlds, between the two genders. I am not comfortable there. Others of us are comfortable there, and their decision is just as valid and acceptable as mine.

For anyone out there who knew Christine prior to her going back to being Mike, I hope you have let him know that he is still loved and welcome in the community, and if he still needs a space in his life to be Christine from time to time that he still has friends who are willing to share that time with him. He may not know it yet, but I would guess that time will come soon.

Well, enough of that serious stuff. I hope that everyone out there is doing well as we move into the Holiday season. Remember your friends out there this time of year. For many in our community, this may be a very difficult time for them. They may have been rejected by friends and family, and may be spending the Holidays alone. Make sure you are keeping in touch and letting them know they are loved and have friends out here. Don’t let the time go by without reaching out to check in, say hi, lend support. We don’t want anyone being alone through this time of year, or any time of year for that matter. If  you haven’t heard from someone in a while, reach out to them to see how they are doing, let them know they are not alone. Have a happy Halloween everyone! I’m going in drag this year: I’ll be a male pirate! next year I will get to have more fun with costumes! Have fun, be safe, and talk to you soon!

Relief- Coming out

I had been planning to come out to my mother today for some time now. As I mentioned before, I was quite nervous about this process, as I think many of us are. We fear losing those who we love, losing the connections we have built up over a life time, losing support during a time when we need it the most, in short, we fear rejection. This fear is renewed with each time we come out to someone else.

For me, coming out to my mother caused me so much fear. In the back of my mind I knew that I would never lose her love and acceptance, but, still, I feared for the worse. As this week went by, with her here visiting, I found it hard to hide the fact that I had something substantial on my mind. I could see it in her eyes that she knew I had something I needed to talk about. It began to eat me up. 

Last night, as I went to bed, my spouse asked me how I planned to go about coming out to my mom on Sunday. I was not sure if Sunday would be the right day. I told my spouse that I would do it on Monday.  Today came. We had fun with the girls in the morning, including a water balloon fight in which my mom and I both got soaked by little ones. After that I had some homework to do for school. I was also not feeling well. The stress of not talking to my mom was beginning to eat at me, and make me physically ill.  I managed to work my way through my reading, and then I curled up and I cried. With my face in my pillow I cried in my room until my spouse came in. I told her that I could not wait any longer and asked her to go get my mom.

She did, asking my mom to come upstairs for a minute. Then she gave the reassuring words of,”Be strong.” I don’t think she picked quite the right words before bringing my mom into our room. I was still in tears. After an long embrace, and reassuring my mom first that I was not dying, I explained to her what I have felt and known my whole life and that I was trans. She responded with love and support, concern and reassurance that her love for me would never change. We talked, we laughed, we cried a lot. We talked about hormones, transition, and what the future holds. Later we pulled my step father aside and I came out to him. Again I received words of love, understanding, and support.

A massive weight was lifted from my shoulder today. I received such unconditional love and support from some of the people from whom I value that kind of love and support from. I realized that I have to trust my gut instinct, that I know the people around me so very well. I have formed deep, loving, and trusting relationships with my close family and friends. These are relationship that transcend gender. We accept each other no matter what.

I sit her tonight so grateful for those I have around me, my spouse, my family, my friends. I have many more people to come out to in the future, but the future is a little brighter, a little easier to negotiate with each positive and supportive reaction. This is a difficult journey that we all make, it is one that is filled with so many unknowns. We never really know what lies ahead, how people will react, or what each day will hold. We push ahead anyway, we risk losing it all to become who we truly are inside, to bring our presentation into alignment with the person we are on the inside. We would not take these risks is this were not so vitally important to our living a meaningful and happy life. These are necessary steps. 

I took a risk today, even though it was one I was sure was not a huge risk, and I stepped away from it with the ability to be more honest and true with my mother than I have even been able to be. Her love is so important to me, and I love her so much. Thank you mom for being you and being my mom! And finally and thank you to my friends out there who voiced their support or silently kept me in their thoughts, you are all amazing and I love you all.

Feeling Vulnerable

In about a week, I will come out to my mother. She is coming for a visit starting tomorrow, and she will be here for a little over two weeks. I decided to wait until about a week into her visit for a couple of reasons. One of those being my daughters birthday. If for some reason things do not go well, I do not want a cloud hanging over my daughters birthday party. 

I waited until I would see her face to face. I did not want to do this over the phone, via an e-mail, or my letter. For me, I need to tell each of my parents face to face. But, I am nervous about this. I don’t think that things will go bad. I know it will not be easy, it isn’t for any parent. But, I think that she will be supportive for the most part. And, still, I am nervous. 

A short while go, I told my spouse I was nervous about it, and I broke down in tears. I fight them back now as I type. Not as easy as it used to be. I used to have to fight to make myself cry when I needed to, now I have to fight to hold it back at times. I think I am most apprehensive about spending the  next week in limbo, not being able to tell her, and wanting to desperately to tell her. That makes it harder. Part of me wonders if I will be able to wait that long, if I can hold out. If I cannot, I need a back-up plan, an alternative. I am just not sure what that is yet.

Last Monday, I spoke with my friend who I came out to. She was great, just like she had always been. She teased me like she always does, and I teased he back. I did not feel any difference in our friendship. Just like I knew it would be. She again expressed her first concern when she read my letter, that I would be alone, that she did not want me to feel that I was alone. I am not alone. I have her, my spouse, my sister-in-law. I have a strong support network building up around me. 

At times it feels so foolish to have doubted that any of them would not stand by me, that they would turn tails and run. They have not, they have shown that they are the people I have always known them to be. And yet, despite the successes of the past, I worry about failure in the future. With each time I come out, I worry anew that I will be rejected, that I will face loss. It is not a pleasant feeling, not one that I want to experience, but one that is a part of this journey. 

We all face the fears of rejection, but we are often surprised by the love of our friends and family. Love that transcends our gender, a love that is founded on who we are. That part of us that does not change with transition, the core of our being, often freed to be more genuine by the process of transition. If only there were more people like them in this world, more people who cared about people without prejudice, without preconceptions. Unfortunately, they are all to rare.

I feel like I am moving into a void for the next week, forced to live full time in the one world I no longer want to inhabit, the male world. No time to be me, less privacy, more worry. I know that in the end, no matter how things turn out, I will be alright because of the support that I do have. I may not be around much for a week or two, adding even more to my apprehension. But I will be back, I will be here to write about what has happened in the intervening time. To express my joy or my sadness. For now, I move forward, happy my mom is coming, and nervous about what the visit will hold.

Friends

Today marked a special day for me. It was six months ago today that I first met two very important friends of mine, Tiana and Karen. I met these two wonderful women just a few short weeks after I came out to my wife. I had reached out to a local trans group, and I was put in touch in Karen and Tiana. We made arrangements to meet over lunch.

This was a very emotional time for me. I had recently come out to my spouse, and this was the first time I was dealing with my gender identity issues head on. I nervously met Karen and Tiana, in some respects unsure of myself, in other respects just wondering if I was really ready to be taking steps down the path to transition. I knew that in order to make this journey, I needed friends, I needed people who were making the same journey. I knew that from such friends, I could find understanding, support, and advice. 

I found all that in these two very special women. Over lunch, I shared my story and some of my worries. They reassured me that I was not alone, and they helped me to finally feel that I was not alone. Despite the fact that I was sick with a bad cold, I left that lunch feeling so much relief and so much hope. Too bad I ended up with bronchitis shortly there after! I had been working six day weeks for a while with little or no rest during a the stressful first weeks of coming out to myself and beginning my journey of self discover, so I think everything just got to me and my body said,”Ok enough! Give me a rest so I can process all of this!.”

Anyway, over the next few weeks and months, I found that Karen and Tiana were true friends. The encouraged me when I was unsure, and they accompanied me on my first night on the town. They helped me find my courage to proceed full steam ahead into my transition. I admire them and their journeys, and I am so grateful that they are a part of my journey.

This week, Tiana had called me to see about getting together for lunch. We do this every few weeks, and it is something I look forward to. Plans don’t always work out when work gets in the way. This week, we talked about meeting earlier in the week. I would have to juggle a few things around, by we set a time and a day. Tiana called Karen to invite her. Apparently wheels started turning for Karen, and I got a call later in the day from Tiana asking if Friday would work instead of Wednesday. I said sure, in fact, Friday would work better. Little did I know, Karen realized that it was just about six months since we all met. She looked up her receipt from that first lunch, and confirmed that Friday would be exactly six months. She and Tiana conspired to change the lunch date to match that six month anniversary, and picked the same location as that first lunch.

In the back of my mind, I think I was thinking the same thing. I realized that the restaurant was the same that we first had lunch at, and that I had not been there since that first meeting. I couldn’t remember the exact date, but I knew it was close to six months or so since we had all met. It seemed like just yesterday, and yet it feels like I have come so far in my journey since then.

As we sat down to lunch, Karen and Tiana announced their reason for the date and the location. I was so surprised that they remembered. I was left essentially speechless, about to cry if I said a word. They gave me a card in recognition of our friendship. There was so much I wanted to say, but could not for the fact that I would have just started crying. Hormones certainly do things to emotions! 

I am so appreciative of them, I am sure that they will read this. Thank you Tiana and Karen, you two are true friends! For those of you who may just be starting on your journey of transition, reach out to the community. There are so many wonderful girls out there willing to share their stories, lend their support, and be friends. There is this kind of unofficial big sister thing that happens in this community. It is amazing. It helped me build the courage that I needed to take those first tentative steps in my transition. If it was not for their support and friendship, I might have taken a little longer to get started moving forward. 

Today, I move forward confidently, finding a new found joy for life as I become the women that I have always been on the inside. I find friendships to be more important, and the connections to be on a whole different level than those I have experienced before. I think part of this is because I can finally share who I really am, and be who I am. There is no need to go down this road alone, there is no reason to feel isolated, you are not alone. There are so many of us, so many willing to reach out a hand, give support, give encouragement, and just be friends. 

To all the other wonderful women I have met since then, thank you to all of you as well. You all have stories that inspire me and encourage me. I have so much admiration for all of you, and feel so privileged to have gotten to know or to be beginning to know all of you. I know, for the first time in my life, that I am not alone, that I am in the company of so many amazing people taking so many amazing journeys, displaying amazing courage, and just plain being amazing friends. Thank you!

Thoughts on Happy Posts

There were a few things that have made me think this weekend. One of those things was a recent post on TranscendGender.com by Amber. In it she questions whether or not people like to read “happy posts.” I found this to be a very relevant and important question.

For many people in the trans community, blogs and internet postings have become a way to gain much needed support during the difficult times of transition. For many people, this may be their only outlet to try and get the support they need to make it through the hard times. As a result, many of us find posting our challenges to be not only a way to get support, but also a cathartic release of sorts as well. We can use this wonderful medium to get things off our chests or just put our thoughts into words.

Posts about challenges tend to elicit the most responses. Does that mean that those posts are the most read? Maybe, maybe not. Lets take a quick look at my own blogs stats to see what the numbers say. My most popular post so far, aside from my post on transcendgender on Transgender Access to Health Care, is a post I titles “Between Two Worlds.” This was a post in which I talked about my frustrations of being stuck between two worlds. The next three were on the importance of surgical status, my struggles with courage to transition, and one about the film “Trinidad.” By the way a side note here, looking at TransscendGender, posts about documentaries seem to be the most popular by far.

   On the other end of the spectrum, my least read posts are one I wrote about a night out on the town(a positive post) and another one about my renewed commitment to this blog. The least popular were some of my most upbeat and happy posts. 

As for comments, I tended to get the most comments when I discussed days when I was having a hard time with things or important trans-related topics, such as my discussion on identifying by surgical status. I’ll be the first to tell you that the comments for the posts when I was feeling down and out were the most important comments for me, and I just want to take a moment to thank those of you who posted to those. The other comments were important as well, they told me that the issues I was talking about were important to others in the community, and that I was not the only one thinking about them. 

Now comes a part of this that has presented me with some angst. That is my not sharing some of the things that have gotten me the most excited during my transition in terms of help for my transition. I posted once on the benefits in my workplace. I am fortunate to work for a company that has comprehensive trans medical benefits, up to and including surgery. I was quite excited when I found all of this out, and I posted a bit about it. This was one of my least popular posts and it received no comments. The angst comes in that I sometimes feel guilty sharing some of this information on my blog or even with friends. I feel guilty because most are not fortunate to have the protections and coverage that I have. So, when I have these kinds of,”Wow! This is great!” moments, I feel reluctant to share this information. 

I don’t think that we don’t want to hear about what is going well in each others lives, I think that we have found this medium to be a great way to get and lend support. I have never been a part of a community that was so dedicated to it members and to lending support to one another in our darkest moments. I think much of that comes from seeing too many of our sisters and brothers take their lives before they had a chance to live their lives, we don’t want to see any others take a step down that dark path. We also seek out support to help make sure that we make it to transition, and that we don’t take that final irreversible step into blackness. 

I would like to see more of us share out normal everyday joys, along with the frustrations. I posted recently about the seemingly normal uneventful days that I was having. This was a post about how average some days of transition can be. In fact, I think that many of us probably wind up with more and more of these days, especially after transition. For me, these average, nothing special days are a sign that the dark days of depression and repression are slowly slipping away, and the days of being myself full time are approaching. I look forward to the day when most of my days are just normal days, and I have little to write about. I will still write anyway because I have come to find it to be an important part of my life.

Now on to some happy news. Warning, happy content ahead! 

As some may know, the Out & Equal Workplace Summit took place in Austin, TX this last week. A contingent from my company came out for the conference, people from different work sites around the country. This was significant, because I got the chance to meet three people who have been a great support for me as I begin planning my workplace transition. These people included a member of our LGBT employee resource group, a trans-woman who works for my company, another contact in the ERG, and a woman who helped me get in touch with the right HR person in the company. The first individual answered my semi-anonymous e-mail and got the ball rolling for me.  He got me in touch with the trans-woman, who helped me know that I was not alone. All of these people together have made a tremendous difference in my life. They took a huge weight off of my shoulders, and assured me that all would be ok at work, that I had nothing to worry about with this company.

Meeting them was a very emotional event for me. I held up well, but I was so thankful to them. They made such a difference. I was able to refocus that energy was I spending worried about workplace stuff, and use that energy for other tasks. What an amazing group of people. They even asked if I would present next year at Out & Equal, and I said sure! I hope they were serious, because I am. I plan on being full time by then, and it would be a huge honor to be a trans representative of my company at Out & Equal. 

I hope to be able to say more about these wonderful people in the future. For now, for my privacy and theirs, I will keep them anonymous people, but they know who they are. 

One thing I must say is that if your company has an LGBT employee group, get involved with it. Even if you are not out at work yet, you can be involved as an ally of the group. These groups can be instrumental in steering company policy and company benefits. The work you do now can benefit other transgender employees who come after you. These groups can only grow if people get involved. If you company doesn’t have such a group, find out the company policies on starting employee resource or networking groups. Find other LGBT folks in your company, and start one. Many companies don’t realize how many LGBT employees they have unless those employees make their voices known. If they think they don’t have many, why are they going to bother providing benefits or protections! For many trans people, the protections of their employers are the only protections they have until we can expand legal protections. It is because of employee resource groups that these folks are able to at least know their job is secure, even if they have no legal protection where they live. 

I am in a fortunate position, and I thank God for this everyday. In my previous career, I saw first hand trans-women who had no jobs, no health coverage, no homes, no support. I want to see that become a thing of the past. I want to be a part of continuing the fight that other began before me. Just because I have these things does not mean I am content to just live my life. I was asked once why I care about things such as an inclusive ENDA when I am protected by my employer, and my response was simple yet heart felt,”Because there are other who are not protected.” 

I may not yet be in a position to lobby and fight, but I guarantee you that the day will come. I was never an activist before. I never really took a stand on anything, but now I have a hard time not taking a stand. I finally have things that I believe in so strongly that I have to stand up and be heard. It is refreshing. I often wondered if I would be passionate about anything. In the last few months I have come to learn that you have to be passionate about life to be passionate about issues. I was not passionate about my life before, and, now, with each step closer to living my life as the woman that I am I become more passionate about life and living.

Being Comfortable

Thursday evening, after watching Trinidad, I was out in front of the theater talking to a few friends. To set the scene a little bit and put my thoughts and feelings into perspective, the theater was on Austin’s 6th street. For those of you who are not familiar with 6th Street in Austin, this is a main area for live music, bars, and is heavily trafficked by college students, especially on the weekends. This last Thursday was not different, UT was not is session, so all the college students were looking to get out and have a little fun.

As we stood on the corner in front of a bar next the the theater, college students strolled by on their way to an evening likely filled with too much alcohol and a lot of raucous fun, you know, the kind we used to have back when we were that age. The topic came up about me and my transition and what brought me to the point I am at. We were covering this topic since I had just met one of the people who was with us. I covered my story and what brought me to the point I was at, and then went into some of my current feelings about my transition. For those who know me, you know that I am proceeding rather confidently through my transition, forging ahead with each new step determined making the best of it. I then began to comment on how I felt being out in public as myself, as Kathryn.

I commented on how much more comfortable I was at that moment, standing on that corner, surrounded by college students, much more so than I would have been if I were standing there in “guy mode.” If I were in “guy mode,” I would have been much more self conscious and just not comfortable being out there. I commented on how this is how I have always felt I was meant to be, and I just fell more comfortable this way. There is not stress, no incongruity, no conflicting feelings, just peace and calm. 

In many ways, it is hard to imagine why I had waited so long to take these steps towards transition. I have known for many years that this was a journey I would take, I only kept putting it off. I avoided the issue for fear of rejection, and fear of knowing that it was entirely possible for me to transition successfully. Back then, I had so little confidence in myself, that I couldn’t take that first step. Instead, I went through many years of being uncomfortable every time I was in public. I many ways, it was like walking out the front door naked. I always felt like people were looking at me and judging me by the way I moved. I always tried to walk “more masculine,” and appear to be nothing less than a man. 

To be out as myself is so different. It is such a more genuine way of being for me. The thoughts go through all of our heads when we take our first steps out into the world, dressing for the first time, going to dinner or the store for the first time, the thoughts that,”everyone is looking at me.” For me, those thoughts faded away. I felt less of the “everyone” is looking at more, and more of just a few people may be looking at me. I began to feel more at peace with my surroundings, and more at peace with how I was presenting to the world. In short, I felt more confident. I did have nervousness about interacting with some people, and still do to some extent. As I get out more, that nervousness decreases. I can, however, walk down the street, or walk through the mall without the feeling that people are looking at me and judging my presentation. 

These steps just seem to continue to confirm for me that I am on the right path. They give me confidence to keep moving forward, to push ahead and take the next step. Everything about transition has just felt right. I can honestly say that nothing I have done in my life to date has felt as right as transition does to me. I think part of this comes from the fact that I accepted my gender identity many years ago, and accepted the fact that some day I would transition. I just put it off, until I was coaxed out of my shell and given the opportunity that I needed. I was pulled out of the dark by someone who was supportive and just wanted to see me happy. She did it at a time when things seemed so dark and each night I fell asleep wishing for the opportunity to transition. Because of this, I hit the ground running. I was ready, it was time for me to be me.

Now, I proceed forward with my life, with anticipation that I will finally be comfortable with who I am. With the self confidence that it doesn’t matter what others think of my decision to transition, that it doesn’t matter if people are looking at the way I move or the way I am dressed. What matters for me to be happy is that I am being true to myself. I not longer have to navigate through life being uncomfortable in my own skin. I am shedding that shell, and trading it for a presentation that I am comfortable with. I am getting more confident, more out going, and this is all because I am comfortable.

Trinidad

Last night, the documentary, Trinidad, was shown as part of the Austin Gay and Lesbian International Film Festival. We organized a group to go to dinner and see the film through TENTex. Prior to the film, we met up at the Spaghetti Warehouse. If you visit the Austin area, this is likely a restaurant you may want to skip. It is located right in the Warehouse district, and is reasonably priced, but it not the best Italian food in the world. Fortunately, the company was much better than the food. I don’t want to complain too much about the food, since it is a restaurant with ample space and reasonable enough to accommodate everyones budget. Dinner gave me the opportunity to meet a few people who I had not had a chance to meet, so for this it was a wonderful meal. I elected for the chicken alfredo, which was not really very tasty, but I was hungry, so it served a purpose. 

After dinner, a few of us rushed ahead to the theater to make sure we got tickets for everyone, unfortunately you could not buy tickets in advance. The theater, which we were told was just a few blocks away ended up being six or seven blocks away. Half way through this walk, I figured out that my shoes, which I had only worn once before, were starting to rub on my toes. It ended up being a bit of a painful walk, not to mention I was going to have to walk this distance back to my car at the end of the evening.

Anyway, we got the theater only to find a very long line in front. This is not your average metroplex with 500 screens. It only has two screens and is an Alamo Draft House cinema. For those of you not familiar with Alamo Draft house, these are theaters in which there is full service dinning during the film, and yes that included beer, wine, and mixed drinks. Because there are tables at each row of seating, the theater probably only hold half of what a similarly sized theater will hold. When we got the front of the line, we realized the theater was going to be packed. I had to wait while they tried to figure out how many seat were left. In order to keep our group together, which numbered 15 or so, we had to sit in the front row. You know, the row where you are looking almost straight up to see the film. The last time I sat in that row was when I was ten years old and went to see Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom with my best friend. Again those were the only seats left for us.

Were were very fortunate to at least get seats where we could all sit together. Once seated, we were introduced to the directors of the fild, PJ Raval and Jay Hodges. These are two local film makers, so even though the film was about Trinidad, Colorado, it was really kind of an Austin film, which is pretty cool.

For those of you who have not heard of the film, Trinidad is about Trinidad, Colorado, and follows not only Dr. Mari Bowers, but also two other trans women, and takes a look at the setting in which Dr. Biber began his practice, and the setting in which Dr. Bowers continues his work. One of the reasons the directors chose this location and this particular surgeon was the apparent dichotomy of GRS being done in what is essentially a frontier town. 

Trinidad has a population of approximately 9,000 souls, and is very much still a part of the wild west. It is not unlike many towns you would find in West Texas. For those of you who have never ventured into West Texas, let me tell you it is probably not the most LGBT friendly part of the state, and is probably very fundamentalist is their view points. It was interesting to see in the film that despite the apparent similarities to such areas, Trinidad is really a very accepting place. When you get past all the churches and pick-up trucks, you find a town that is really at ease with the idea that Trinidad is considered such a special place for many in the transgender community.

One thing I had a difficult time with the in film was the fact that some considered Trinidad to be a kind of spiritual center for the transsexual community. This view just did not sit well with me. I can understand and appreciate the importance that this location plays in the lives of trans women who had had their GRS performed in Trinidad. This is not small even in the lives of these women. But, to say that it is more important than other locations where GRS is being performed really, to me, minimizes the importance of those other surgeons and locations to the women who travel there to have their GRS performed. I tend to take the point of view that the trans community is extremely diverse, and when we place a value on one path to transition or one surgeon over other, we minimize the experience of those women who have chosen a different path or a different physician.

Anyway, back to the film. The film also followed two trans women who planned to open a recovery center for women having their GRS performed by Dr Bowers. These women liquidated what they had, and planned to renovate a house and open it as a recovery house within six months. The renovations ended up stretching out over a year. During the course of that time, I sensed this real resentment that Dr Bowers was not helping to fund the renovation and help open the house. 

This resentment really bothered me. The project, at least to my knowledge, was not started because Dr Bowers asked them to do it. Instead, it felt as though these women wanted to be a part of Dr Bowers success, and expected her to embrace their efforts fully and support them in their efforts. There were several things that went wrong along the way, and I can completely understand Dr Bowers not getting financially involved in the project. 

Overall, I really enjoyed the film. I am still mulling over many aspects of it, and considering much of what I saw and learned. It is thought provoking. Not only does it make one consider the journey of transition, but it also makes you consider the idea that not everyone is as they may appear. Just as we ask that people not judge us for being trans, we have to realize that we cannot judge everyone else on how they appear. Trinidad, CO may appear from a distance to be a town that would not be accepting of the transgender community, and would be an unlikely place for GRS surgery to be occuring. Yet, the town supported Dr Biber when he was alive, and they welcomed Dr Bowers into the community to continue Dr Biber’s work. Dr Bowers continues her work in, of all places, a Catholic hospital in a town on the edge of civilization. 

I may write more about this film later, as I reflect more on the film, the issues present in the film, and the people involved. This film really touches on many aspects of transition, family, children, acceptance, employment, prejudice, and the journey of self acceptance. If you have a chance to catch a screening I would highly recommend it. 

After the film, I got a chance to go out with some friends to a bar across the street. This was an opportunity to talk more about transition and just spend time with some good friends. One topic that came up was about comfort, and being comfortable in a new gender role. This is an important topic to me and I will talk about it in my next post, so I won’t go into too much detail here.

One last thing I do have to mention, mostly because I am sure Tiana is dying for me to write about it. Last night I got hit on for the first time. As we walked into the bar, I was approached by a guy who asked me if I was 21. I said that I was. He then asked if I was really 21, and flashed a badge. I again said that I was over 21. He said we wanted me to step to the back of the bar with him. I asked him to se his badge again, he then used the line he was working his way up to. He asked me to step to the back of the bar and ,”Put you legs behind your head.” Obviously a seriously bad way to pick up on a woman, but flattering none the less. We laughed and and pleasantly declined. I think I left that interaction bright red and with a big smile on my face. Tiana teased me about it the rest of the evening. It was certainly flattering, and very much a confidence booster. Having at one time wondered if I would ever pass to being hit on in a regular bar was definitely something that boosted my confidence. And this happened well before midnight, so the guy was not even drunk yet!

All in all this was a wonderful evening and just nice to be able to go out in the middle of the week. unfortunately I am going to be missing out on some media training being given by GLADD this weekend. I was really hoping to be able to make that, but it was not in the cards this week. I hope they will offer this training again in the near future. Hope the rest of you had a great week and have a great weekend!

One of those weeks

I sit here, really wanting to write. I have the strong desire to write something, but few ideas about what I want to write, or what I can write. I think that is part of being stuck in between these two worlds. There is so much going on in my life, but very little I am comfortable sharing openly and in the public at this time. Most of what I write about are the issues that we all face as transgender men and women and some of the things I do when I get to go out and be myself. 

There is so much more to my life, so much more going on, but most of it happens in the days between when I am free to be me. Some of it is important stuff that will lay the ground work for that first day when I begin to live my life as the woman I have always known myself to be. Other things are the everyday things, what is going on at work, what my daughters are doing, and all the other fun and not so fun things going on in my life. Often I am hesitant to share these experiences. Mostly this come from a fear of revealing to much and having someone in my professional or personal life find out about me before I am ready for them to find out. 

A while back I sat down and typed out a lengthy introduction. I felt that I needed to write something about who I am, where I came from, and how I got to this point I am at now. For now, that introduction sits in my drafts folder, collecting dust. It sits there trapped by my worry that it will reveal too much, that it will out me somewhere. This may be misplaced worry, but there have been some of us who have been outed by our blogs and web pages. The fear is real, but it is hard for my to accept. 

I stepped into my transition confident and ready to move forward. Since that time, I have proceeded with confidence, and the knowledge that I am doing the right thing. I am doing something that feel right, something that feels better than anything I have done before in my life, and yet I hide behind vague references to what is going on in my life, able to reveal details to the very few. That part does not feel right, that part feels like a betrayal of who I am, and yet it is a necessary part of this journey. In our journeys to find our true selves and become who we have always been on the inside, we are forced to hide. We must protect our thoughts, our joys, our pains, our journey from those who would use it against us, from those who are not yet ready to hear who we really are, those who we are not yet ready to tell for fear of losing them forever. 

In a time when I am experiencing life like never before, I am also forced to hold back and feel the pain of not being me. The years of repression were easier at times. During those years, I had not tasted the sweet freedom that comes with being true to myself, the freedom of being me. Now that I have, I am forced every Monday morning to swallow my pride and don once again my male persona. I put on the suit and tie, and I go off to work. I spend the weekdays being “more masculine,” but secretly and slowly letting my body and my gestures relax little by little, but still in a masculine mode of being. 

By Friday, I am ready for a release, time to be me, time to just relax and not worry about how I walk, how I move, how I talk, not having to be anything other than who I am. Even though I cannot fully be me at home, I can still relax enough to feel like me to feel like I am not putting on an act. It is those days between each weekend that I must grit my teeth through, betray who I am on the inside for another week. 

Can I survive these weeks? Of course I can. They are merely the dwindling days of my male facade that I wore for so many years. Each day I put on this persona is one day less. Even though I do not know when the last day will be, I know that each day is one day less. I can see the day when I will be able to walk into work and not have to monitor how I move, how I act, or how I present my gender. At that point I will present as the woman that I am. I know that day will come, and today, this week was one less day, one less week.

I sat down here tonight, not sure what to write, just knowing that I needed to write. Knowing that there were thoughts and feelings inside of me that I needed to get out. I accomplished what I sat here to do, I put my thoughts down, and shared with you at least a little of what I am doing. I look forward to the day when my life can be more of an open book, when I can share the individual joys and accomplishments. Till that day, there is still a purpose to my writing. It is not in vain, it helps me to define who I am, it helps me to put my transition in perspective, and it helps me to let out the frustrations so that I can focus on the positives. Transition is not an easy journey, but it is a journey I must take.

Lunch, Shopping, and Creepy Chaser Guys

Last weekend was a bit of a difficult one for me, but this one was absolutely fabulous. I recovered from my mood swing later in the week, and set my mind on this weekends activities, which included plenty of time for me to be myself, go out, and just enjoy. I needed this weekend!

   The weekends activity started with the monthly CTTGS(Central Texas Transgender Society) luncheon. These luncheons are an opportunity to meet other people from the trans community here in the Austin area. All are welcome, MTF, FTM, CD, gender queer, or just figuring things out. We all meet at a restaurant have lunch, talk, laugh, and just enjoy the company of friends, a make new friends. This groups is pretty important to me, since this was the group through which I first got introduced to the local transgender community, and it was also the first place I appeared in public as my true self(funny story if you want to hear more about that let me know.) 

Anyway, at lunch, I met up with Tiana and Karen, and other friends. There was also a nice showing of people from TENT (Transgender Education Network of Texas- formerly TACT),  It was nice to see some faces at the luncheon who don’t normally go. After lunch, TENT members took the opportunity to meet and plan for our fundraiser in October, Little Lucifers Luau, which will be held on the 17th of October. If you live in the Austin area, in Texas, or know anyone who days, save the date. This is the first year we will be doing this fundraiser, and we are hoping for it to be an important event here in the Texas every year. All are welcome, Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Trans, Queer, an allies. The event will raise money for our filing for out 501(c)(3) non profit status, and sponsor people to attend Creating Change in February. Check back on the TENT site for more information. (I know shameless plug, but I can’t help it, it’s an important event). We still have a lot of work to get ready for the event, but I think this first year will be a learning experience and will help us better prepare and plan for the coming years.

After lunch, Tiana, Karen, and I decided we were going to take a road trip. We all piled into my car, and headed south to San Antonio for a little shopping. I always love hanging out with Karen and Tiana, we have a lot of fun, talk about some important stuff, and just plain enjoy each others company. We headed for the North Star mall in San Antonio, thanks to directions from Karen’s new iPhone. Those are uber cool, wish I had one, but I will have to wait(just signed a new two year contract with my provided who does not have the iPhone). We hit a few stores at the mall, and just enjoyed being out. It still amazes me how it is such a non issue being out in public. I feel more comfortable out as myself than in boy mode. I am less self conscious, and just enjoy it a lot more. Besides, the clothes in the women’s section are so much better than the men’s clothes! Dressing room and bathrooms are just not an issue, I just go and do what I have to do and don’t even think twice about it. It is really a nice feeling, especially being called ma’am and miss.

After doing a little shopping, we headed over to TGI Fridays, not our first choice, but the other places had long lines and we were starving. Dinner was ok, not the best quality TGI’s but we enjoyed each others company and had fun. After dinner we headed to the car, and were approached by a parking lot hustler. Obviously looking to take advantage of three women’s sympathies and kindness. Little did he realize I am completely unsympathetic and mean as hell(not really). He was pulling the old car broke down, wife and kids stranded, need money to get a tow routine. First he was saying something about his phone being broken, and I told him to go in the restaurant and use their phone, and then he went into a ting about I could hold onto his phone and wallet if I lend him some cash and then he would send the cash to me and I could send his stuff back to him. I just cut him off with a statement that we had no cash and we had to go. He tried pretty hard, but these girls were not going to give in to his game.

After that we headed back north to Austin and ‘Bout Time. Here is where we got a couple creepy chaser experiences. First in the lot, this chaser type pulled up near us in his car with his radio turned up, and he was watching us get out of the car. He then circled around when he thought we were going to walk down one side of the lot, but we quickly walked down the other. He then proceeded to pace us as we walked to the bar, continuing with the radio turned up and watching us. We didn’t give him any attention, and I guess he finally drove away. My question is this, what goes through guys minds that makes them think turning up their radio and staring at a girl is going to get the girl to pay them any attention. I really don’t understand guys very much!

We went into the bar and enjoyed a couple of beers, included one round that at guy at the bar bought for us. Seemed like a nice guy, and wasn’t sleazy or hitting on us. We had plans to go over the the Carousel Lounge to listen to a friends band play at midnight. Just as we were getting ready to leave, these two young guys came up to us. One of them did the introduction and asked us if we had been to a club that they had just come from. Non of us had. His friend walked away to go have a smoke or something, and I kind of tuned out the talkative one as he rambled on, realizing we had to leave soon if we were to catch our friends set at the other club. That is when it happened, as we did not really respond to his attempts at conversation, he whipped out his “ice breaker.” At least that is what I think he thought it was, he wanted to break the ice. And how you ask did he do it, the the biggest conversation killer I have heard in a while, “I love shemales!” Just out of the blue he announced this! OMG, I could not believe it. Karen, Tiana, and I just looked at each other as he said a few other things throwing out the shemale word a few more times. He soon realized we were not going to pay him any more attention, and he walked away. We made out exit at that point, heading for the door. 

We headed for the Carousel Lounge, which I might add is not in the best part of town. The lot was packed, and we had to park down the dark street away from the club in a kind of sketchy neighborhood. We of course walked together to and from the club. We enjoyed the music there, and then it was time to head home. I was exhausted, but mentally refreshed. I got to spend pretty much the whole day out, just being me, enjoying the company of good friends, and having fun. After last week, I needed this day. I refreshed my spirit in a way that only being me can do. It reminds me of why I am doing this, so that I can live every day being comfortable with who I am and how I live my life.