Where have I been?

To say I have not posted much recently would probably be an severe understatement. I was going along so great with my blog. I was posting on a regular basis, keeping things going, really feeling into it. Then, I went full time, work went super busy, and life just plain got in the way. It was like I no longer had anything significant to say anymore. I was too bust living life to stop and write about it. I also think I began to feel that sitting here writing about what I was doing and what was going through my mind was almost like an exercise in narcissism. I began writing a few posts, and, after rereading, lost interest in them.

They were just too mundane and boring. Boring to me at least. It’s not that I lost interest in writing, it’s just that I lost interest in writing about every little thing that I did. It became clear to me that I no longer cared to write about the details of my transition, my feelings in certain situations, or what the next steps are for me. I just plain lost interest in that.

So, I sit here tonight trying to figure out where I am going with this. Is this a worthwhile endeavor for me? I feel that it is, but what is it I want to say here. I have always felt that my most satisfying posts were those that focused on issues. My all time favorite being the post I wrote about medical benefits for trans people. That was a post and a topic that are still near and dear to my heart.

This was brought home even more by the fact that I have three friends who just underwent GRS, and used three different methods to finance their surgeries. One cashed out retirement funds, another took equity out of her home, and a third will be covered by insurance. What these three stories show is that we are finding any way that we can to pay for transition related expenses. How many of us have maxed out our credit cards for hormones, hair removal, or surgeries. How many still are struggling to figure out how to pay for all of this. The person who is covered by insurance likely would not have been able to get GRS if it were not for coverage recently added by her employer. In fact, she was a scheduled for an orchi when the benefits were announced. She was pretty much resigned to the fact that surgery was just a pipe dream.

So many of us are in that boat. We reach a point in transition where we just cannot afford any more. Where does this leave us? What of the broken dreams of fully aligning our bodies with our minds? The fight needs to continue. We need to continue to expand health coverage for transition related medical expenses. Of course it is a hard sell right now. Not only are we hurting in this economy, but so are many of the employers we work for.

So many times, trans health benefits are carried only by companies that self insure. What exactly does that mean? Well, it means that if an employee takes advantage of let’s say GRS, the surgery is not paid by the insurance company. Rather the employer pays for it through the insurance company. In other words, the insurance company acts merely as a middle man in the transaction, accepting the claims, evaluating them, ensuring they meet the guidelines, and then making payments.

Unfortunately, so many times that benefits are also not paid until after the procedure. What does this mean for us? Well, if we don’t have $20K to pay for surgery, we likely do not have $20K to pay up front and wait for reimbursement from the insurance company. There needs to be better benefits coordination when those benefits do exist. The whole purpose of medical transition benefits is to remove financial barriers to transition. In many instances, these benefits do not remove the barrier, but rather jut changes the barrier.

I would also say that the surgeons need to become more flexible when it comes to insurance coverage. There operate on a cash up front basis, and often are not willing to wait for an insurance company to pay after the surgery has been performed. Essentially, we are forced to pay for the goods before we receive them. And, what choice do we have? There are so few doctors that perform the surgery, so they set the rules. No cash up front, no GRS. In many ways, they help maintain the financial barriers to surgery.

There is a long way to go to fully remove the economic barriers to transition. Medical benefits for transition should be universal, plus there needs to be ENDA in place to help ensure we can keep our jobs so that we can have benefits to help pay for transition related medical expenses. There is a lot of work to be done in both of those areas.

Now, as for my blog, where is it going. I’m not sure right now. It may become more issue focused, exploring the many issues that we all face, with brief glimpses of what is actually going on in my life. I really don’t think it will be the diary/journal it was before. I have move past that in many ways. But, I will forge on, trying to keep this going.

OK, a few quick updates. Work is still going fabulously well. The fact that I am trans is a non-issue, almost never comes up, and nobody treat me any differently. I’m working my butt of in my manager training program so I can get my own branch next month, which is very exciting, and a hell of a lot of work. I am actually managing two branches this month, and doing it well. Oh yeah, speaking of surgery, I am scheduled for my GRS next July in Trinidad. Hoping insurance coverage at my company will be worked out more by then, I cannot exactly put up the money up front and wait for reimbursement, but we shall see. Other than that, I am just enjoying life, though I am really trying to figure out a few things, ad figure out more about who I am. I neglected myself for so long, that I need to get out and finally enjoy being me. It’s time to relax, let down my hair(now that I have hair to let down), and have some fun!

I’ll try and check back in more regularly, but no promises here!

Coming out to my children

 Last night, I did was I would consider to be the hardest and scariest part of my transition, I came out to my two daughters. This was something I have been wanting to do, and something I have been not wanting to do. No matter how much I want to be me, I am also very protective of my daughters. I wanted to shield them from any pain that could come from my transition. Was this ever a possibility? I kind of doubt it. Protecting them from any pain that could result from my transition would mean not transitioning at all. Not transitioning would cause them pain because of what it would do to me.

   We had talked, my spouse and I, for quite a while about when we would come out to my daughters. We agreed to wait until after the Holidays. So, now it was well after the holidays. The Christmas decorations have been put away, and the kids are already talking about next Christmas(and you thought the stores start early when the put out the Christmas stuff in July). So, it was time. I told my spouse that we should do it this weekend. On Saturday, we she called my sister-in-law to let her know that we would be coming out to the girls today. We did this because my niece and nephew are like siblings to my kids. They all spend time together every day, so we knew that we would either have to tell them together. or at least close together. The decision was made to tell them all at the same time.

Well, we had eased into the day, meaning we slept in, lounged around in our pajamas,took at nap,  and finally decided we needed to get out of the house a little bit before the day was over. We went out to dinner with the girls and then came back to the house. My sister-in-law was out running errand with her kids, and it was late, after 9pm when she finally got over to our house. My girls are usually in bed by 9 on the weekends, but they were still up.

They were watching High School Musical, they love that movie, and we found a good break in the movie to stop and and start the conversation. I tried, as best I could, to explain the way that I had always felt, trying to put it in terms that the 5 and under crowd could understand. There were giggles and smiles. Then my oldest daughter looked at me and told me that she id not want me to change. This one statement felt like it tore my heart apart, and I began to cry. I tried to hold it back, but my mind raced between the potential pain that my transition would cause, and the pain that I would feel if I did not transition. My oldest began to cry too. I think that my sudden crying scared her.

Soon, her sister was crying too. They were tired, and now they were confused by what I was telling them, and scared of change. Change is not always an easy thing for kids. As any parent who has tried to change their child’s routine and the struggles that can follow. Meanwhile, my niece and nephew still seemed fine with everything. They said they were scared about my change, but they were still engaged in the conversation and appeared more curious than scared. We watched the documentary,”No Dumb Questions.” This helped them to see that they should be open and willing to ask questions, and my nephew was fascinated with seeing “Uncle Bill” as “Aunt Barbara” in the film.

Throughout all of this, my spouse and her sister were like rocks. When I was crying, while they did tear up, they help steady and strong. They reassured not only the children, but they also reassured me that everything would be ok and that I should not feel bad. They were amazing! My oldest daughter, although upset, held onto me. We went back to watching High School Musical, my oldest wanted to finish watching the movie. That night, both the girls slept with us.

This morning, I had to leave the house early. I had a meeting with the rest of the executive board from Transgender Education Network of Texas. We were meeting with a trans woman who was trying to see that a new homeless shelter project in San Antonio, Haven of Hope, would have trans friendly policies. We met with her to see what our organization could do to help. After that I had an appointment with my therapist. These sessions are usually more transition planning than anything else, but this time I really needed the session. It helped me to get some of my thoughts out about the way the previous evening had gone.

When I got home this afternoon, my spouse and the girls were still out. So, I changed back to “boy mode.” Yuck! I was hoping that coming out to my children would have gone a little smoother, and that I would be more free to present female in front of them, but I was now worried that this would take a bit longer.

They all got home not long after I changed. My spouse and her sister left my daughters and nephew with my, while they went with my niece to talk to the parents of my nieces friend. Since I was out to the kids, it was time to let some of their friends parents know what was going on. Shortly after being dropped off, my daughter came up to me and asked,”When are you becoming a girl.” I told her that it would be a few more months. I asked her why she was asking. She then told me that she was excited about my transition. I asked her why, and she said that it was because we could do makeup and nails together. She was displaying genuine excitement about my transition, and the fact that I could do more girly things with her. She is very girly, and loves anything pink and girly!

  My nephew and daughter were genuinely excited and happy about my transition. Gone was the fear and confusion from the previous evening. Now they here bouncing and curious and happy. We talked more about the fact that there are times when I go out dressed as a woman, and that as time goes by I will do this more and more until I am doing it all the time. They thought that this was cool, and asked more question about it. My daughter asked about my wearing girl clothes and where I buy my clothes (if I but them at the same place as mommy). I eventually asked if they wanted to see a picture of me presenting female, and they said they did. I showed a picture, and they liked it. My daughter said I was beautiful!

In the last 24 hours, I went from scared a worried to feeling a lot more at ease about how my kids will handle my transition. They will still have occasional difficult times, but I know we will be able to get through those together. The growing excitement from my oldest daughter warms my heart, and it gives me strength. I know that the road ahead will not always be easy, but I am ready for the challenges it holds. I am relieved to have the weight of coming out to my daughters off my shoulders.

On a side note, this evening we went out to pick up a couple of movies and pick up some Chinese food for dinner. At both stops I got ma’amed. I was “presenting male,” but I think that my increasing confidence in my transition shows through, and my true self begins to shine through more and more.

Benefit screening of “Trinidad”

TRINIDAD will be screening in downtown Austin at the Alamo Ritz January 4th:

PLEASE PURCHASE YOU TICKETS IN ADVANCE SO WE GET THE BIGGER THEATRE!! PLEASE!

for advance ticket sales:
http://www.originalalamo.com/Show.aspx?id=6038

Date: Sunday Jan 4th 2009
Time: 5 pm*, 7:30 pm
venue: Alamo Ritz Drafthouse Cinema
320 E 6th Street
Austin, TX 78701

special guest Sabrina Taraboletti and filmmaker PJ Raval in attendance!

*the 5pm show will be a special benefit screening for TENT -Transgender Education Network Texas (www.tentex.org). All tickets sales will be donated to TENT so even if you can’t attend or live outside of Austin please consider purchasing a ticket online to support TENT.

please mark your calendars and spread the word!

also feel free to visit our website and sign up for email updates:
trinidadthemovie.com

of visit us on facebook:
http://www.new.facebook.com/pages/TRINIDAD/9953888935

“Though Trinidad is a small town, it’s emblematic of the world at large. In this documentary, three main characters make different choices in a society struggling to accept them. The universal themes and the compelling narrative quality of the film make it a must-see.” – Ellen Huang GLAAD/Queer Lounge

“TRINIDAD succeeds in presenting the materials for a better understanding of transsexual people and stands to be very instrumental in making the world outside of Trinidad, Colorado a safer place for them to live.” – Film Threat

New Year Reflection

Yes, It’s that time of year. Time to reflect on last year, where I started it, where I went, and where I ended it. It was an amazing year. I started out 2008 entrenched in what seemed like a never ending cycle of wishing I could transition, not knowing if I would ever be able to transition, feeling like wishing to transition was hopeless, and just not really being fully engaged in life. 

Even in that, I think I fooled a lot of people. I pretended like everything was ok. I fooled myself into thinking I could keep fighting. What I didn’t know was that it was really beginning to be a losing battle for me. Sleep was never really something I looked forward to, mostly because I couldn’t. I lay in bed tossing and turning, knowing who I was on the inside, and not knowing how, or if, or when I would ever be able to express that. At the same time, I was trying to keep a marriage from sinking, but I was hitting icebergs. The more I struggled on the inside, the more I withdrew from my spouse, and the more our day to day relationship suffered. 

By the end of February, things were not looking good. One night, she came to me. She told me that she knew I was hiding something, she told me that she didn’t want to lose me as a friend and a parent to our children, she reached out to me and threw out a lifeline. That night, for the first time, I spoke the words the described how I felt on the inside. I described by gender dysphoria, my feeling of not being a “man,” my need to live as a woman, my need to be true to myself. To my amazement, she expressed support, she displayed understanding, and she accepted me for who I was.

That was the first step. We talked and realized that we did not know where this would take our relationship, but we knew, no matter what, we would always have our friendship and we would always be committed to working together to raise our daughters. Over the next few nights, I tried to figure out what the next steps were. Despite years of knowing I was trans, I had never searched out information to determine what I had to do to transition. I was afraid to look before, I was afraid the knowledge of what it would take would draw me in, that knowing what to do would make it easier for me to take that next step and actually transition. But now, I had finally found that I could reveal who I was and that the people I loved the most might not turn their backs on me, that I might not become an outcast. So, I reached out and sought out. 

I found that there were local groups and organizations. I e-mail one such group, the Central Texas Transgender Society. I soon was put in touch with my two dear friends, Karen and Tiana. We arranged to meet for lunch. So, on March 19th, 2008, I met with Karen and Tiana at Dave and Busters, here in Austin. For the first time in my life, I sat down and talked to two people who had been where I was at, two people who understood what I was going through, two wonderful women who would become my friends. They told me more about the monthly CTTGS luncheons, a great opportunity to get out and meet other people in the community. I would have gone that month, but, as luck would have it, the day we had lunch I was a little sick, but, by the time Saturday rolled around, I was on my way to the doctor to treat the cold that had progressed into bronchitis. I was sick and miserable for days.

I continued to search for information, looking to understand better what I was going through, what the future held for me, and what I needed to do to get to where I needed to be. I found my therapist, and started therapy in April. To sit down in front of a total stranger and relate my story again was an amazing relief. That month I also attended my first CTTGS luncheon. I went in drab, but still enjoyed getting to meet some other people in the local community. Over the next month, I learned how to do my makeup, bought my first female clothing, got a laser and electrolysis consultation, and purchased a wig to tied me over until my hair got longer. In May I took the big step of going out presenting female for the first time. It was for the monthly CTTGS luncheon. The luncheon had been rescheduled for the following weekend, but I didn’t realize it. I wasn’t on the mailing list yet, still not actually(hmm I’ll have to look into that one again.) Fortunately one other person did not get the e-mail either, so she and I ate lunch together, and then we went out to a shoe store. First time out, I had lunch and went shopping for shoes. Not bad.

At the end of May, I talked to my therapist about hormones. She agreed that I was ready, and said she would provide a letter. I made an appointment with my doctor for the end of June, after getting a full physical first. At the end of June, I walked into the doctors office with my letter in my hand. I actually didn’t need it in my hand, as it had already been faxed over. That day, I was prescribed hormones. That afternoon, I picked up my spiro, and called in to order my estradiol! I was on cloud 9!

The summer was a whirlwind of activity. I began to get involved with Transgender Advocates of Central Texas, which promptly changed their name to Transgender Education Network of Texas when I attended my first meeting. In July I received my first hormone injection. I was nervous, I was excited, I couldn’t believe it! Two weeks late I was a total b***h for a few days as I adjusted to the shifting hormones. But, overall, I felt so much better. I felt more grounded, more centered, less pissed off at everything. Over the summer I began to let my hair grow and I started my faical hair removal. I found that laser really hurts. Ouch! During the session, I realized that if I was not serious about what I was doing, I probably would run out of that room. But my desire to be rid of that facial hair was far stronger than the pain of the laser.

In September, I officially began the coming out process. I started with my former police partner and close friend. I had not spoken with her in nearly six months. I wasn’t ready to tell her before that, and I couldn’t talk to her without telling her. So, one evening, I sent the letter. The next morning, I awoke to find her response. I cried when I read the words,”I’m sorry that you felt that you could not tell me earlier but I am honored and gateful that you have shared this with me now.  You are my friend and I miss you dearly and think about you often……..I don’t want you to be or feel alone.  I guess what I’m saying is what can I do to support you decision?” I felt relief in knowing that I had the support of one of my closest and dearest friends. 

The following month, my Mom came out for a visit, and I told her while she was here. I waited until the end of the first week of her visit. By then the emotions of holding it in overtook me. I broke down, and my wife went to get my mom. On the way upstairs, she told my mom,”Be Strong.” She didn’t mean to be overly dramatic, but it did put a lot of thoughts running through my mom’s head. Especially when my mom saw me crying on the bed. After I assured her that I was not dying, I told her what was going on. I was met with complete love and acceptance, the kind of support that only a mother can give. It was an amazing relief to me. In November, I told my Dad and my brother. They also expressed acceptance and support, but I think they struggled with it a little more at first. They are good now.

The rest of the year has been a little more low key. I put anymore coming out on hold until the end of the year, and I took the time to enjoy the Holidays. I also looked forward to the fact that the coming year hold the promise of many more steps forward, many more changes. I ended the year coming out to another friend, who also expressed support and his friendship not matter what. That was last year in a nut shell. There was so much more, so many details, many of which I left out, but I wanted to touch on the most important. 

This year taught me that I could be myself, that I could finally stand up for something, that I could be an advocate for something I believe in, and that I don’t need to live my life wishing I could be who I am, I just have to take control and be me. Am I going to make a new years resolution? I’m not sure if I would call them resolutions. Each year I typically resolve not to make any resolutions. Instead I will make plans. If I have a plan, I can implement it and carry through on it. So, I plan to go full time(probably April, before my birthday), I plan to take my children to Disney World, I plan to be more involved in Trans education and advocacy, and I plan to just be me, finally.

Thank you to everyone have have met over the last and thank you to the friends and family who stayed and supported me. I wish you all find what you are looking for out of 2009, and if by chance you don’t find it, keep pushing forward and never lose hope.

Follow-up thoughts on trans healthcare and coverage

Lately I have been doing more thinking about the issue of health care coverage for trans people. My original post on this topic can be found here. This topic seems to be one that comes up repeatedly, and I think that it is one that deserves more attention and more analysis. Over the next few weeks or so, I am going to do more research into the issue, looking at coverages, barriers to health care access, costs of health care for transitioners, and the medical needs of the transgender community.

A few months ago, we had the Town Hall call on this topic, but I have seen little follow-up in this issue. In fact, we have seen things get worse in some respects. Recently we saw the policy changes allowing doctors to refuse treatments if it goes against their religious beliefs, and this was followed closely by the Pope’s condemnation of homosexuality and transsexual persons. Was this a coincidence? Maybe, but the timing is suspect. I wonder if this will be followed up with statements and opinions about what “good” Catholic doctors should and should not do. I grew up Catholic, and I have always held out hope that the Church will move into the 20th Century, but it seems to continue to root itself in the dark ages. 

Anyway, I would like to ask for your help with this little project of mine. If anyone has any stories about health care issues such as being rejected by doctors, insurance plan issues, or any other problems related to being trans and seeking health care, please e-mail them to me. E-mail me at transgenderhealthcare@gmail.com. I would even like to hear the good stories, the improvements in coverage, etc. When sharing your stories, I will always keep your personal information confidential, but please let me know if you would prefer me not to republish your story as part of this. If you don’t I will just use the information as a reference points as I look for trends, opportunities, or discriminatory practices. Thank you to anyone willing to share their experiences. Also, if you have any good links to information you may feel is relevant, please send me that as well. I think the more information I can pull together, the better I can put together a picture of where we stand today, where we need to be, and some ideas of how we can get there.

Remembering Jennifer Gale

I know I haven’t written in a while. Life seems to have gotten really busy as of late. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say, in fact I imagine the next week or so will probably result in a flurry of posts as I get out thoughts on things I have been experiencing, and I work on my end of year post.

 

Right now, I want to I need to take a moment to talk about Jennifer Gale. For many of you, this may not a name you recognize. I did not know her name until last week when word of her passing was announced. Who was Jennifer Gale, she was a transgender woman who was a local figure here in Austin. She ran for several different offices in here in Austin and Texas, such as Mayor of Austin, Austin School Board, Mayor of Dallas, and numerous other petitions. It seems that any ballot in Austin was not complete without her. She spoke frequently before boards and commissions here in Austin. While other said,”Keep Austin Weird,” She said,”Keep Austin, Austin.” She understood that what made Austin unique and special was worth preserving and fighting for. She was a Marine, and she was homeless.

Jennifer Gale died in front of a church here in Austin, sleeping on the street on a very very cold night. She was discovered around 6am on December 17th, paramedics were called, but she could not be saved. Those words,”She could not be saved” strike me. She could have been saved. She could have been saved if there were shelters and resources that did not discriminate against her for being transgender. Shelter space for women in Austin is very limited, and non existent if you are a transgender woman. She slept on the streets because there was nowhere else for her to sleep. She died on the streets because there we no resources that were willing to help her. Organizations like the Salvation Army rejected her because she was trans, because her gender identity did not conform to their religious beliefs. 

This last Sunday morning, in the bitter cold, not unlike the weather the night she passed. We gathered to remember Jennifer. People from all walks of life gathered, the transgender community, the homeless, activists, politicians, and ordinary people who were touched by her story. We gather to not only remember her, but to make a commitment, a commitment to not allow more trans people die on the street because we did not try to do something. There seemed to finally be an acknowledgment that more has to be done here in Austin. Over 130 homeless people have died in the street this year in Austin. Jennifer was not the only one, she faced some of the same challenges, but her struggle to find shelter was made more difficult because she chose to live true to who she was.

City leaders and many other speakers acknowledged that more can be done to make services more accessible to the transgender community. There was an acknowledgment that the city council has a lot of work to do in this area. Many people on Sunday expressed their own culpability in Jennifer’s death. Those same people made commitments which had not been made before, commitments to begin a real dialogue around these issues here in Austin. But, these are not uniquely Austin issues. All around the country, trans people struggle to get off the street as they are repeatedly turned away from services that are not equipped to help them or simply not willing to help them. Does your city have trans friendly homeless shelters and programs? Where are trans women told to sleep and bathe, in the mens shelters just because they have not had surgery? Is there something you can do in your own community to bring up these issues and start a discussion?

I’d like to close this heavy discussion with a bright spot in Jennifer’s passing. The local media coverage was unlike any I have seen since coming out out as trans. Not once were pronouns wrong. In many stories her transgender status was not even mentioned. Not once was transgender, transsexual, crossdresser, transvestite, or other other such terms used as part of the byline or title.  The story was reported, most of the time, about a woman named Jennifer Gale. These stories were about the passing of a person and her contribution to the City of Austin and the State of Texas. There was no sensationalism. It was refreshing to see this kind of coverage, coverage that honored the person not their gender status. As you gather this holiday season with friends and family, I ask one thing of you, I ask you to remember Jennifer Gale. I did not know her, but there are many more people like her living on the streets. Just as they did not choose to be trans, they did not chose to sleep on the streets, rather they do so because no shelters will take them.

Do they really know anything…….

In the last couple of weeks, I have heard several stories of coming out. While I am going through my own coming out process, other friends of mine are also coming out to their own families. During this time I have heard of family members going and talking to their therapists about what is going on. I bring this up, because time and time again I have heard these therapists giving extremely poorly informed advice. The responses have ranged from transition will be bad for the kids, they only good thing they can do is get divorced, and the only person who will be happy in the end is the person who is transitioning. Wow, right!?!?!?

Many of us remember that is was just a few short months ago that the APA released a position paper and guidelines concerning the treatment of transgender patients and the medical necessity of various transition related procedures. Obviously these therapists are not members of the APA, read only the negative parts of the position paper, have never knowing met a trans person, or just live in the bottom of some dark whole inhabited by trolls and Dr. Phil. 

Many of the remarks and “advice” I have heard show me that there is still a lot of work to be done to educate the mental health profession about trans issues. These therpists don’t realize that there are numerous examples of marriages that survive transition, healthy happy children with trans parents, and family members who are very happy after transition. They are under the mistaken, misinformed, or biased opinion that transition ruins the lives of everyone around the person transitioning. 

I will admit and share that there are members of my family who are struggling a little to come to terms with the fact that I am undergoing a gender transition. There are still accepting, but they are going through the process of realizing that my male persona is “dying” and that they will have to get used to the new me. This is a normal process. Ask my mom, I am sure she will tell you the first few days or weeks were not easy, but in the end she realizes that I will be a happier, more self confident, more alive, and more loving person because of my transition. She is happy and she is proud to be the parent of her trans daughter. This didn’t ruin her life.

Transition creates changes in our lives, but it does not ruin the lives of those around us. I think many of these “therapists” subscribe to the theory that you put off transition at all costs, or, if you do transition, you leave everything and everyone behind. After all, you might as well make a clean break so they can get on with their lives without having to deal with a freak in the family! I thought we left that way of thinking behind us a long time ago. 

Today, we are out and we are proud to be trans. Many of us keep our jobs, our friends, our families. We enrich the lives of those around us because we are finally whole, we are the person that we were meant to be. For the first time in our lives, we can be happy and content. Because we are not worried, scared, or depressed, those around us are no longer affected by the struggle that we hid for so many years. Instead of thinking,”What’s wrong with him,” they can think,”Wow, she is so alive!” 

This is not to say that some families don’t suffer. Yes, there are families that find it difficult to adjust to a transitioning family member, whether it me a husband/wife, son/daughter, aunt/uncle, or mother/father. There are some families that struggle to accept the transitioning individual. But even such difficulties may not justify such drastic “advice.” 

There is a long way to go in educating our mental health professionals. The unfortunate result of misinformed advice and opinions is all too often pain and hurt. The APA took an important step in August when it released its position paper. I hope that the future will show some follow through. I hope that efforts will be taken to increase the level of education and understanding amongst mental health professionals when it comes to trans related issues. We don’t need such potentially hurtful and misguided advice being given out to family members. Mental health professionals who lack first hand experience working with trans people or families of trans people should be willing to admit that they are not experts in the area of transition and refrain from sharing uninformed opinions on transition.

Day of Remebrance

November 20th is fast approaching. For anyone who does not know, November 20th is the day when we recognize Transgender Day of Remembrance(DOR). This is a time for us to look back on the last year, and remember those who were violently taken from us for no other reason than being gender non-conforming. This is the first DOR that I will be taking part in, in fact, prior to my starting the coming out process, I had not even heard of DOR prior to March of this year. If I had know about it before, would I have attended? Probably not, mostly for fear of being outed, fear of people figuring out my deep dark secret. 

It is only now, now that I have finally come to terms with the incongruity between my body and my soul that I can finally be free to pay my respects to those whose lives were cut so terribly short. Transition has, in fact, freed me to do so many other things. Namely of course to be me. Though I still have some time before I go full time, the fact that I finally have space is so much better than having non at all. I still face the dislike for having to spend part of my days in “boy mode.” Not really a big fan of that term anymore, not sure what it is about it, I think because that assumes that I spend part of my time in “girl mode,” which makes my time as Kathryn seem like something constructed or made up, like it is something that I put on. It’s interesting how I start to contemplate those terms and euphemisms that are so prevalent in the community. There are so many out there, some that are accepted, some that are not. The degree to which terms are accepted also varies from person to person, or from region to region.  Take for example, crossdresser and transvestite. There are two terms used to describe people who identify and live as one gender, but enjoy spending some time dressed as the opposite gender. In the United States, transvestite has fallen out of favor, but in Britain it is still acceptable. It’s almost like we have out own transgender language with regional dialects.

Anyway, I think I am getting way off topic here. Back to DOR for a moment. If you haven’t looked for your local event, I highly encourage you to do so. One place you can go it this years DOR website at:http://www.transgenderdor.org/. If you area is not listed, but there is an event going on let Ethan know so he can get the event up on the site. There have been a lot of additions to the events list the last few weeks. This is a good time for those of us who are trans to stand up against violence against our community. If you are a trans ally, this is a good time to stand up and let people know that you support the trans community. 

As we all know, there has been a lot going on politically the last week or so. I wasn’t sure how much I was going to get into politics here, but I guess there are a few important things to say. We saw a major shift in this last election, and opportunity to fix some of what is broken. The one thing that I caution people in is expecting an over night fix from President-Elect Obama. It took Bush a few years to mess things up, and it will take a few years to get things back in order. There are a lot of expectations placed on this man, and I think he is the kind of leader we need to make some significant changes. I know that many people in the LGBT community in general are hoping that the gains made in congress might renew the promise of an inclusive ENDA. I too hope for that, but we also need to realize that those who dropped us from ENDA are still in office. We need to keep on them. Obama said he would sign an inclusive ENDA, so make sure you are lobbying your representatives for such. I have not participated in a lobby day before, but I am seriously considering it.  NCTE will be hosting its annual lobby day April 26th through the 28th. Like I said, I have never done this before, but I will probably be there. Besides that it is right around the time I plan on going full time, so what better time to get out there and be more visibly active!

Now a few words about prop 8, or H8 as some are calling it. I’m not going to sit here and try and dissect what when wrong, but if I ran that campaign I would have…… Just kidding I said I wouldn’t and I won’t. I am however very disappointed in the results. Vicki Kolakowski did a recent interview on Trans-Ponder in which she mentioned how some in the trans community did not feel that prop H8 applies to them. Right now, for many of them they may be right. The members of our community who are straight identified and post-op, this may not apply to them fully. Vicky explains, however that it may still affect all of us. If you are in a legally heterosexual marriage, and go through divorce or one of you passes away, your gender may be challenged. If so, the court may decide that you are not in a prop 8 marriage, and eliminate property rights or other privileges of marriage. There are still times and places where someone could try and use your trans status to reduce or void your marriage. This is not just an LGB issue, this can affect all of us. That is all I will say on the topic. 

Ok, enough politics. I’m getting too tired now. One last, and very important thing, a friend of mine has had a very difficult time with coming out to her family. Please stop by her blog on Yahoo360 and show her some support. I think she really needs some words of support and encouragement right now.

First time for everything

I’m spending this weekend in the San Francisco area. Part of the reason for my visit is to come out to some more family members, my brother and my father. I also took the opportunity to see my mom again, just a few weeks after her visit and coming out to her. We were also having lunch with a friend of mine, to whom I was also already out. So, it was nice to be able to see them and visit with them.

  Prior to lunch, my mom and I headed over to Target, as I had a couple of things I needed to pick up. After getting what we needed, my mom and I got in line. This was a particularly busy Target, so we got in one of the shorter lines. Soon after we got in line, I heard a target employee right behind me say “excuse me sir.” I turned towards her, and she looked directly at me. At that point, she said,”I’m sorry ma’am.” She then told me that we could go to the customer service desk to make our purchase to bypass the longer lines. This was the first time I have been ma’am-ed. It was such a good feeling to be addressed by feminine pronouns and as the gender with which I identify. Especially since I was completely in guy mode. I was wearing a button down shirt and jeans, “regular guy” clothes. It was interesting that once she looking me in the face, she then gendered me as female and corrected her pronouns.

I think a lot of times, early in transition, we wonder when this time will come. For us the changes are so gradual and incremental that we don’t see them all. We wonder if people will be able to view us as female, and yet that day comes, the day when someone genders us as female and addresses us by female pronouns. It is moments such as this that tells us we are on our way. This was a great boost to my trip, a real pump to my ego.

Now, I am preparing mentally for more coming out this weekend. I will be coming out to my dad and my brother. Am I nervous, hell yeah. I think that overall, things will go well, but I am still pretty nervous about it. Tonight, my spouse told her parents. We have not really had a chance to discuss how it went, but she told me that they are understanding and supportive. Another step in the right direction. The day is getting closer when I will be out to everyone I know, with the exception of those I work with. This brings that closer, the day when I will be out at work and living full time as my true self. I think that the more space I have to be myself, the more I realize that transition and full time are not that far away. That soon, I will be able to face the world as myself, to no longer be forced to be someone that I am not. For now, I look forward to the next time I get ma’am-ed!

Still Here, Still Going Strong

I realized over the last few days that it has been some time since I blogged about what has been going on with me. It’s certainly not for a lack of anything to write about, more like a lack of time to write about anything.

  Earlier this month, I came out to my mom. Her reaction, and our subsequent conversations and discussions have been so much better than I could have ever hoped for. I have been fortunate with the reactions of those to whom I have come out. They have been positive, supportive, and encouraging. Yet, I still worry with each person I prepare to come out to. I guess I am still bracing for negative reactions, and I am occasionally surprised when there is not negative reaction. My spouse attributes this to the person that I am, and the depth and the nature of the relationships I have with those close to me.

I also see it as a factor of the types of friends I have made, and those whom I have considered my close friends. Throughout my life, I didn’t have a large group of friends, but rather a smaller group of very close friends. There were typically people who did not pass judgement on others, people who did not expect their friends to conform to so imposed set of expectations, they were people who valued friends for who they were not who they wanted their friends to be. These are the same people who stood by me through all of lifes twists and turns. Even when they thought I should be taking a different path, they supported me still. They were true friends.

Over the next few weeks, I will be coming out to more and more people. I expect by the end of November, nearly everyone in my family will know, most of my friends will know, and word will get out to acquaintances about what I am going through. I will be out to nearly everyone in my life. The lone exception will be work and my co-workers. I am out to HR and a couple other people involved in out LGBT employee group, but only for the purposes of transition planning. As for my local co-workers, no one knows yet. That will likely come next year. There is still a lot more planning to do at work, but that time will come as well.

I sometimes think about where that leaves me now. The amount of space I have to be me is growing. When I am out to my kids, I will be able to be me when I am home, but, at work, I will still have to act and be “male.” The less I have to be male, the more relief I feel, the more comfort and peace I experience. Peace and comfort I have not known for a long time.

How We Transition

I wanted to talk about a subject that has come up recently on other blogs and other areas of the net. The story of Mike Penner led to a lot of disappointment and blog activity in the community, and some great discussions surrounding transition, detransition, and being comfortable with who we are.

This really has led me to consider more about what it means to be trans, what it means to be comfortable with who we are. While the term transgender has become one that encompasses a wide range of gender presentations, the term transsexual is still often viewed in a very narrow manner. Still people see the transition process of being transsexual as being an all or nothing proposition. Still, there are many who take very different approaches to transition.

How much one transition, if at all, or the amount of time one actually spends living in the gender role with which they identify is a uniquely individual decision. For some, family and employment concerns prevent a full transition, others transition in spite of the loss of friends, family,and employment, while others may experience little or no loss associated with transition. For most, whether they transition or not depends on how comfortable they are only being part time in the gender role with which they identify. Others still have found that they are comfortable living a more gender queer existence, living outside the gender binary. There are so many variations on transitions that I could not possibly discuss them all here.

The point that I am trying to make is that transition is not an all or nothing proposition. Just because I know that I will not be comfortable with anything less than a full transition does not diminish the validity of those who decide not to transition and are comfortable with where they are. How does this relate to Mike Penner? Not knowing him personally, and not knowing all the details of his transition, I can only speak from limited knowledge. But, I wonder if we more openly embraced the full spectrum of transsexual expression if Mike’s story might have played out differently, or would he have still tried living full time as Christine? I have heard from people on the cusp of making a full transition come to terms with the fat that they could live comfortably between the two genders.

Even withing the trans community, the gender binary can still rear it ugly head. There are those who think that one has to transition fully and live in a very feminine gender role. That is a decision that each individual must come to on their own, it must be something that they are comfortable with. If they are not, then the result is detransition. Sometimes we see a very negative reaction to detransition, this fear that an individual detransitioning somehow reduces our validity in the eyes of those who do not look favorably on our existence. In some cases, detransition is a bit sensationalized. In the case of Mike Penner, it seems to have been done very quietly. The loudest voice seem to have come from inside the transgender community. His detransition, I think, gives more validity to the process that we go through. Some who may not like the standards of care or choose to ignore them all together may not like anything that gives more credence to the process they lay out. In the case of Mike Penner, the SOC worked, he decided he wanted to detransition. He did this before undergoing GRS. Imagine how much more dramatic the story could be if he had undergone GRS. One only needs to look at some of the other stories that have come out in the last year or so. This is far less meaty of a story. It’s no wonder the media does not seem to have picked up on it.

In the end, being trans is not a choice, but we do all have decisions to make about how we deal with being trans. How and why we transition is as individual as each person is. In the end we must be comfortable with our decisions. I spent too many sleepless nights to not transition. Even though I am on my way to transition, I still feel the pains of dysphoria when I spend an entire work week being male, and I feel relief when I am able to take the suit of and just be me. For me it is obvious that I cannot live between the two worlds, between the two genders. I am not comfortable there. Others of us are comfortable there, and their decision is just as valid and acceptable as mine.

For anyone out there who knew Christine prior to her going back to being Mike, I hope you have let him know that he is still loved and welcome in the community, and if he still needs a space in his life to be Christine from time to time that he still has friends who are willing to share that time with him. He may not know it yet, but I would guess that time will come soon.

Well, enough of that serious stuff. I hope that everyone out there is doing well as we move into the Holiday season. Remember your friends out there this time of year. For many in our community, this may be a very difficult time for them. They may have been rejected by friends and family, and may be spending the Holidays alone. Make sure you are keeping in touch and letting them know they are loved and have friends out here. Don’t let the time go by without reaching out to check in, say hi, lend support. We don’t want anyone being alone through this time of year, or any time of year for that matter. If  you haven’t heard from someone in a while, reach out to them to see how they are doing, let them know they are not alone. Have a happy Halloween everyone! I’m going in drag this year: I’ll be a male pirate! next year I will get to have more fun with costumes! Have fun, be safe, and talk to you soon!