Where have I been?

To say I have not posted much recently would probably be an severe understatement. I was going along so great with my blog. I was posting on a regular basis, keeping things going, really feeling into it. Then, I went full time, work went super busy, and life just plain got in the way. It was like I no longer had anything significant to say anymore. I was too bust living life to stop and write about it. I also think I began to feel that sitting here writing about what I was doing and what was going through my mind was almost like an exercise in narcissism. I began writing a few posts, and, after rereading, lost interest in them.

They were just too mundane and boring. Boring to me at least. It’s not that I lost interest in writing, it’s just that I lost interest in writing about every little thing that I did. It became clear to me that I no longer cared to write about the details of my transition, my feelings in certain situations, or what the next steps are for me. I just plain lost interest in that.

So, I sit here tonight trying to figure out where I am going with this. Is this a worthwhile endeavor for me? I feel that it is, but what is it I want to say here. I have always felt that my most satisfying posts were those that focused on issues. My all time favorite being the post I wrote about medical benefits for trans people. That was a post and a topic that are still near and dear to my heart.

This was brought home even more by the fact that I have three friends who just underwent GRS, and used three different methods to finance their surgeries. One cashed out retirement funds, another took equity out of her home, and a third will be covered by insurance. What these three stories show is that we are finding any way that we can to pay for transition related expenses. How many of us have maxed out our credit cards for hormones, hair removal, or surgeries. How many still are struggling to figure out how to pay for all of this. The person who is covered by insurance likely would not have been able to get GRS if it were not for coverage recently added by her employer. In fact, she was a scheduled for an orchi when the benefits were announced. She was pretty much resigned to the fact that surgery was just a pipe dream.

So many of us are in that boat. We reach a point in transition where we just cannot afford any more. Where does this leave us? What of the broken dreams of fully aligning our bodies with our minds? The fight needs to continue. We need to continue to expand health coverage for transition related medical expenses. Of course it is a hard sell right now. Not only are we hurting in this economy, but so are many of the employers we work for.

So many times, trans health benefits are carried only by companies that self insure. What exactly does that mean? Well, it means that if an employee takes advantage of let’s say GRS, the surgery is not paid by the insurance company. Rather the employer pays for it through the insurance company. In other words, the insurance company acts merely as a middle man in the transaction, accepting the claims, evaluating them, ensuring they meet the guidelines, and then making payments.

Unfortunately, so many times that benefits are also not paid until after the procedure. What does this mean for us? Well, if we don’t have $20K to pay for surgery, we likely do not have $20K to pay up front and wait for reimbursement from the insurance company. There needs to be better benefits coordination when those benefits do exist. The whole purpose of medical transition benefits is to remove financial barriers to transition. In many instances, these benefits do not remove the barrier, but rather jut changes the barrier.

I would also say that the surgeons need to become more flexible when it comes to insurance coverage. There operate on a cash up front basis, and often are not willing to wait for an insurance company to pay after the surgery has been performed. Essentially, we are forced to pay for the goods before we receive them. And, what choice do we have? There are so few doctors that perform the surgery, so they set the rules. No cash up front, no GRS. In many ways, they help maintain the financial barriers to surgery.

There is a long way to go to fully remove the economic barriers to transition. Medical benefits for transition should be universal, plus there needs to be ENDA in place to help ensure we can keep our jobs so that we can have benefits to help pay for transition related medical expenses. There is a lot of work to be done in both of those areas.

Now, as for my blog, where is it going. I’m not sure right now. It may become more issue focused, exploring the many issues that we all face, with brief glimpses of what is actually going on in my life. I really don’t think it will be the diary/journal it was before. I have move past that in many ways. But, I will forge on, trying to keep this going.

OK, a few quick updates. Work is still going fabulously well. The fact that I am trans is a non-issue, almost never comes up, and nobody treat me any differently. I’m working my butt of in my manager training program so I can get my own branch next month, which is very exciting, and a hell of a lot of work. I am actually managing two branches this month, and doing it well. Oh yeah, speaking of surgery, I am scheduled for my GRS next July in Trinidad. Hoping insurance coverage at my company will be worked out more by then, I cannot exactly put up the money up front and wait for reimbursement, but we shall see. Other than that, I am just enjoying life, though I am really trying to figure out a few things, ad figure out more about who I am. I neglected myself for so long, that I need to get out and finally enjoy being me. It’s time to relax, let down my hair(now that I have hair to let down), and have some fun!

I’ll try and check back in more regularly, but no promises here!

Coming out to my children

 Last night, I did was I would consider to be the hardest and scariest part of my transition, I came out to my two daughters. This was something I have been wanting to do, and something I have been not wanting to do. No matter how much I want to be me, I am also very protective of my daughters. I wanted to shield them from any pain that could come from my transition. Was this ever a possibility? I kind of doubt it. Protecting them from any pain that could result from my transition would mean not transitioning at all. Not transitioning would cause them pain because of what it would do to me.

   We had talked, my spouse and I, for quite a while about when we would come out to my daughters. We agreed to wait until after the Holidays. So, now it was well after the holidays. The Christmas decorations have been put away, and the kids are already talking about next Christmas(and you thought the stores start early when the put out the Christmas stuff in July). So, it was time. I told my spouse that we should do it this weekend. On Saturday, we she called my sister-in-law to let her know that we would be coming out to the girls today. We did this because my niece and nephew are like siblings to my kids. They all spend time together every day, so we knew that we would either have to tell them together. or at least close together. The decision was made to tell them all at the same time.

Well, we had eased into the day, meaning we slept in, lounged around in our pajamas,took at nap,  and finally decided we needed to get out of the house a little bit before the day was over. We went out to dinner with the girls and then came back to the house. My sister-in-law was out running errand with her kids, and it was late, after 9pm when she finally got over to our house. My girls are usually in bed by 9 on the weekends, but they were still up.

They were watching High School Musical, they love that movie, and we found a good break in the movie to stop and and start the conversation. I tried, as best I could, to explain the way that I had always felt, trying to put it in terms that the 5 and under crowd could understand. There were giggles and smiles. Then my oldest daughter looked at me and told me that she id not want me to change. This one statement felt like it tore my heart apart, and I began to cry. I tried to hold it back, but my mind raced between the potential pain that my transition would cause, and the pain that I would feel if I did not transition. My oldest began to cry too. I think that my sudden crying scared her.

Soon, her sister was crying too. They were tired, and now they were confused by what I was telling them, and scared of change. Change is not always an easy thing for kids. As any parent who has tried to change their child’s routine and the struggles that can follow. Meanwhile, my niece and nephew still seemed fine with everything. They said they were scared about my change, but they were still engaged in the conversation and appeared more curious than scared. We watched the documentary,”No Dumb Questions.” This helped them to see that they should be open and willing to ask questions, and my nephew was fascinated with seeing “Uncle Bill” as “Aunt Barbara” in the film.

Throughout all of this, my spouse and her sister were like rocks. When I was crying, while they did tear up, they help steady and strong. They reassured not only the children, but they also reassured me that everything would be ok and that I should not feel bad. They were amazing! My oldest daughter, although upset, held onto me. We went back to watching High School Musical, my oldest wanted to finish watching the movie. That night, both the girls slept with us.

This morning, I had to leave the house early. I had a meeting with the rest of the executive board from Transgender Education Network of Texas. We were meeting with a trans woman who was trying to see that a new homeless shelter project in San Antonio, Haven of Hope, would have trans friendly policies. We met with her to see what our organization could do to help. After that I had an appointment with my therapist. These sessions are usually more transition planning than anything else, but this time I really needed the session. It helped me to get some of my thoughts out about the way the previous evening had gone.

When I got home this afternoon, my spouse and the girls were still out. So, I changed back to “boy mode.” Yuck! I was hoping that coming out to my children would have gone a little smoother, and that I would be more free to present female in front of them, but I was now worried that this would take a bit longer.

They all got home not long after I changed. My spouse and her sister left my daughters and nephew with my, while they went with my niece to talk to the parents of my nieces friend. Since I was out to the kids, it was time to let some of their friends parents know what was going on. Shortly after being dropped off, my daughter came up to me and asked,”When are you becoming a girl.” I told her that it would be a few more months. I asked her why she was asking. She then told me that she was excited about my transition. I asked her why, and she said that it was because we could do makeup and nails together. She was displaying genuine excitement about my transition, and the fact that I could do more girly things with her. She is very girly, and loves anything pink and girly!

  My nephew and daughter were genuinely excited and happy about my transition. Gone was the fear and confusion from the previous evening. Now they here bouncing and curious and happy. We talked more about the fact that there are times when I go out dressed as a woman, and that as time goes by I will do this more and more until I am doing it all the time. They thought that this was cool, and asked more question about it. My daughter asked about my wearing girl clothes and where I buy my clothes (if I but them at the same place as mommy). I eventually asked if they wanted to see a picture of me presenting female, and they said they did. I showed a picture, and they liked it. My daughter said I was beautiful!

In the last 24 hours, I went from scared a worried to feeling a lot more at ease about how my kids will handle my transition. They will still have occasional difficult times, but I know we will be able to get through those together. The growing excitement from my oldest daughter warms my heart, and it gives me strength. I know that the road ahead will not always be easy, but I am ready for the challenges it holds. I am relieved to have the weight of coming out to my daughters off my shoulders.

On a side note, this evening we went out to pick up a couple of movies and pick up some Chinese food for dinner. At both stops I got ma’amed. I was “presenting male,” but I think that my increasing confidence in my transition shows through, and my true self begins to shine through more and more.

Always a Friend

Earlier this week I had sent off a coming out letter to a friend of mine. Actually I had sent it off last Sunday, but, I forgot to attach to letter to the e-mail. I took a couple e-mails back and forth for me to realize that I had not attached the letter. So, I finally got it off to him.

A little back ground. This is a friend that I went to high school with, and friend that, while there may be times where we only speak once or twice a year, we pick up like no time has gone by. I was in his wedding, actually I have been in lots of friends weddings, always a groomsman, and never a bridesmaid, no fair! Anyway, this is a friendship I value highly, despite the distance of time and geography it is a close friendship. In his response to my letter, he expressed his continuing friendship and support, and we sent a few more e-mail back and forth and agreed to talk on Saturday, tonight. 

Once I got out of work, I picked up the phone and gave him a call. Just as always, even though it had probably actually been a year since we last spoke, the conversation flowed as if we had just chatted yesterday, sign of a good friendship in my book. We talked about work, and then he asked my about my job security concerning my transition. He knew the perfect way to segway into the topic. It was actually a perfect segway, since we both work in the financial services industry and job security it not that great right now. He expressed that when first reading my letter to him his primary concern was my job security. In other words, he wanted to know that as I transitioned that I would be ok. He was not phased by my transitioning.

We continued to talk, going back and forth between our lives, my transition, the economy, transition. Our typical conversation, of course transition was a whole new topic for us. It was a great conversation. He expressed that fact that our friendship is one that he values, that he holds dear those times that we spent together in the past, the things that we have done, and the bond that we have formed. He expressed that no matter my name or presentation I am and always will be his friend. He kind of brought me to tears with his words. I help it in as best I could, as I was driving at the time. He also repeatedly let me know that he was there for me if I just needed someone to talk to. 

After our conversation, I reflected on many of my friendships. I reflected on why they were friends that I wanted to spend time with. Many of these friends are guys, which, to be honest, I was rarely comfortable “hanging out with the guys.” But, with many of m friends, it was not like hanging out with the guys. Macho masculine stuff was not really what we did. There was no sitting around grunting watching football, there was no proving how masculine we could be. When I was with my friends, I could realy be me for the most part. Not totally, but I didn’t have to prove anything to them, and that made me feel comfortable. Yes, this friend and I worked out together a lot, but it was different. In high school, even when we were pushing ourselves to the limit, it wasn’t about being masculine so much about performing at the best level we could. It was different.

Tonight, I sit here knowing that I have another friend who will still be here when my male persona is long gone. I know I have a friend who sees the true nature of friendship, and who realizes that what is important is what is on the inside, not how we present our gender.

New Year Reflection

Yes, It’s that time of year. Time to reflect on last year, where I started it, where I went, and where I ended it. It was an amazing year. I started out 2008 entrenched in what seemed like a never ending cycle of wishing I could transition, not knowing if I would ever be able to transition, feeling like wishing to transition was hopeless, and just not really being fully engaged in life. 

Even in that, I think I fooled a lot of people. I pretended like everything was ok. I fooled myself into thinking I could keep fighting. What I didn’t know was that it was really beginning to be a losing battle for me. Sleep was never really something I looked forward to, mostly because I couldn’t. I lay in bed tossing and turning, knowing who I was on the inside, and not knowing how, or if, or when I would ever be able to express that. At the same time, I was trying to keep a marriage from sinking, but I was hitting icebergs. The more I struggled on the inside, the more I withdrew from my spouse, and the more our day to day relationship suffered. 

By the end of February, things were not looking good. One night, she came to me. She told me that she knew I was hiding something, she told me that she didn’t want to lose me as a friend and a parent to our children, she reached out to me and threw out a lifeline. That night, for the first time, I spoke the words the described how I felt on the inside. I described by gender dysphoria, my feeling of not being a “man,” my need to live as a woman, my need to be true to myself. To my amazement, she expressed support, she displayed understanding, and she accepted me for who I was.

That was the first step. We talked and realized that we did not know where this would take our relationship, but we knew, no matter what, we would always have our friendship and we would always be committed to working together to raise our daughters. Over the next few nights, I tried to figure out what the next steps were. Despite years of knowing I was trans, I had never searched out information to determine what I had to do to transition. I was afraid to look before, I was afraid the knowledge of what it would take would draw me in, that knowing what to do would make it easier for me to take that next step and actually transition. But now, I had finally found that I could reveal who I was and that the people I loved the most might not turn their backs on me, that I might not become an outcast. So, I reached out and sought out. 

I found that there were local groups and organizations. I e-mail one such group, the Central Texas Transgender Society. I soon was put in touch with my two dear friends, Karen and Tiana. We arranged to meet for lunch. So, on March 19th, 2008, I met with Karen and Tiana at Dave and Busters, here in Austin. For the first time in my life, I sat down and talked to two people who had been where I was at, two people who understood what I was going through, two wonderful women who would become my friends. They told me more about the monthly CTTGS luncheons, a great opportunity to get out and meet other people in the community. I would have gone that month, but, as luck would have it, the day we had lunch I was a little sick, but, by the time Saturday rolled around, I was on my way to the doctor to treat the cold that had progressed into bronchitis. I was sick and miserable for days.

I continued to search for information, looking to understand better what I was going through, what the future held for me, and what I needed to do to get to where I needed to be. I found my therapist, and started therapy in April. To sit down in front of a total stranger and relate my story again was an amazing relief. That month I also attended my first CTTGS luncheon. I went in drab, but still enjoyed getting to meet some other people in the local community. Over the next month, I learned how to do my makeup, bought my first female clothing, got a laser and electrolysis consultation, and purchased a wig to tied me over until my hair got longer. In May I took the big step of going out presenting female for the first time. It was for the monthly CTTGS luncheon. The luncheon had been rescheduled for the following weekend, but I didn’t realize it. I wasn’t on the mailing list yet, still not actually(hmm I’ll have to look into that one again.) Fortunately one other person did not get the e-mail either, so she and I ate lunch together, and then we went out to a shoe store. First time out, I had lunch and went shopping for shoes. Not bad.

At the end of May, I talked to my therapist about hormones. She agreed that I was ready, and said she would provide a letter. I made an appointment with my doctor for the end of June, after getting a full physical first. At the end of June, I walked into the doctors office with my letter in my hand. I actually didn’t need it in my hand, as it had already been faxed over. That day, I was prescribed hormones. That afternoon, I picked up my spiro, and called in to order my estradiol! I was on cloud 9!

The summer was a whirlwind of activity. I began to get involved with Transgender Advocates of Central Texas, which promptly changed their name to Transgender Education Network of Texas when I attended my first meeting. In July I received my first hormone injection. I was nervous, I was excited, I couldn’t believe it! Two weeks late I was a total b***h for a few days as I adjusted to the shifting hormones. But, overall, I felt so much better. I felt more grounded, more centered, less pissed off at everything. Over the summer I began to let my hair grow and I started my faical hair removal. I found that laser really hurts. Ouch! During the session, I realized that if I was not serious about what I was doing, I probably would run out of that room. But my desire to be rid of that facial hair was far stronger than the pain of the laser.

In September, I officially began the coming out process. I started with my former police partner and close friend. I had not spoken with her in nearly six months. I wasn’t ready to tell her before that, and I couldn’t talk to her without telling her. So, one evening, I sent the letter. The next morning, I awoke to find her response. I cried when I read the words,”I’m sorry that you felt that you could not tell me earlier but I am honored and gateful that you have shared this with me now.  You are my friend and I miss you dearly and think about you often……..I don’t want you to be or feel alone.  I guess what I’m saying is what can I do to support you decision?” I felt relief in knowing that I had the support of one of my closest and dearest friends. 

The following month, my Mom came out for a visit, and I told her while she was here. I waited until the end of the first week of her visit. By then the emotions of holding it in overtook me. I broke down, and my wife went to get my mom. On the way upstairs, she told my mom,”Be Strong.” She didn’t mean to be overly dramatic, but it did put a lot of thoughts running through my mom’s head. Especially when my mom saw me crying on the bed. After I assured her that I was not dying, I told her what was going on. I was met with complete love and acceptance, the kind of support that only a mother can give. It was an amazing relief to me. In November, I told my Dad and my brother. They also expressed acceptance and support, but I think they struggled with it a little more at first. They are good now.

The rest of the year has been a little more low key. I put anymore coming out on hold until the end of the year, and I took the time to enjoy the Holidays. I also looked forward to the fact that the coming year hold the promise of many more steps forward, many more changes. I ended the year coming out to another friend, who also expressed support and his friendship not matter what. That was last year in a nut shell. There was so much more, so many details, many of which I left out, but I wanted to touch on the most important. 

This year taught me that I could be myself, that I could finally stand up for something, that I could be an advocate for something I believe in, and that I don’t need to live my life wishing I could be who I am, I just have to take control and be me. Am I going to make a new years resolution? I’m not sure if I would call them resolutions. Each year I typically resolve not to make any resolutions. Instead I will make plans. If I have a plan, I can implement it and carry through on it. So, I plan to go full time(probably April, before my birthday), I plan to take my children to Disney World, I plan to be more involved in Trans education and advocacy, and I plan to just be me, finally.

Thank you to everyone have have met over the last and thank you to the friends and family who stayed and supported me. I wish you all find what you are looking for out of 2009, and if by chance you don’t find it, keep pushing forward and never lose hope.

Do they really know anything…….

In the last couple of weeks, I have heard several stories of coming out. While I am going through my own coming out process, other friends of mine are also coming out to their own families. During this time I have heard of family members going and talking to their therapists about what is going on. I bring this up, because time and time again I have heard these therapists giving extremely poorly informed advice. The responses have ranged from transition will be bad for the kids, they only good thing they can do is get divorced, and the only person who will be happy in the end is the person who is transitioning. Wow, right!?!?!?

Many of us remember that is was just a few short months ago that the APA released a position paper and guidelines concerning the treatment of transgender patients and the medical necessity of various transition related procedures. Obviously these therapists are not members of the APA, read only the negative parts of the position paper, have never knowing met a trans person, or just live in the bottom of some dark whole inhabited by trolls and Dr. Phil. 

Many of the remarks and “advice” I have heard show me that there is still a lot of work to be done to educate the mental health profession about trans issues. These therpists don’t realize that there are numerous examples of marriages that survive transition, healthy happy children with trans parents, and family members who are very happy after transition. They are under the mistaken, misinformed, or biased opinion that transition ruins the lives of everyone around the person transitioning. 

I will admit and share that there are members of my family who are struggling a little to come to terms with the fact that I am undergoing a gender transition. There are still accepting, but they are going through the process of realizing that my male persona is “dying” and that they will have to get used to the new me. This is a normal process. Ask my mom, I am sure she will tell you the first few days or weeks were not easy, but in the end she realizes that I will be a happier, more self confident, more alive, and more loving person because of my transition. She is happy and she is proud to be the parent of her trans daughter. This didn’t ruin her life.

Transition creates changes in our lives, but it does not ruin the lives of those around us. I think many of these “therapists” subscribe to the theory that you put off transition at all costs, or, if you do transition, you leave everything and everyone behind. After all, you might as well make a clean break so they can get on with their lives without having to deal with a freak in the family! I thought we left that way of thinking behind us a long time ago. 

Today, we are out and we are proud to be trans. Many of us keep our jobs, our friends, our families. We enrich the lives of those around us because we are finally whole, we are the person that we were meant to be. For the first time in our lives, we can be happy and content. Because we are not worried, scared, or depressed, those around us are no longer affected by the struggle that we hid for so many years. Instead of thinking,”What’s wrong with him,” they can think,”Wow, she is so alive!” 

This is not to say that some families don’t suffer. Yes, there are families that find it difficult to adjust to a transitioning family member, whether it me a husband/wife, son/daughter, aunt/uncle, or mother/father. There are some families that struggle to accept the transitioning individual. But even such difficulties may not justify such drastic “advice.” 

There is a long way to go in educating our mental health professionals. The unfortunate result of misinformed advice and opinions is all too often pain and hurt. The APA took an important step in August when it released its position paper. I hope that the future will show some follow through. I hope that efforts will be taken to increase the level of education and understanding amongst mental health professionals when it comes to trans related issues. We don’t need such potentially hurtful and misguided advice being given out to family members. Mental health professionals who lack first hand experience working with trans people or families of trans people should be willing to admit that they are not experts in the area of transition and refrain from sharing uninformed opinions on transition.

Day of Remebrance

November 20th is fast approaching. For anyone who does not know, November 20th is the day when we recognize Transgender Day of Remembrance(DOR). This is a time for us to look back on the last year, and remember those who were violently taken from us for no other reason than being gender non-conforming. This is the first DOR that I will be taking part in, in fact, prior to my starting the coming out process, I had not even heard of DOR prior to March of this year. If I had know about it before, would I have attended? Probably not, mostly for fear of being outed, fear of people figuring out my deep dark secret. 

It is only now, now that I have finally come to terms with the incongruity between my body and my soul that I can finally be free to pay my respects to those whose lives were cut so terribly short. Transition has, in fact, freed me to do so many other things. Namely of course to be me. Though I still have some time before I go full time, the fact that I finally have space is so much better than having non at all. I still face the dislike for having to spend part of my days in “boy mode.” Not really a big fan of that term anymore, not sure what it is about it, I think because that assumes that I spend part of my time in “girl mode,” which makes my time as Kathryn seem like something constructed or made up, like it is something that I put on. It’s interesting how I start to contemplate those terms and euphemisms that are so prevalent in the community. There are so many out there, some that are accepted, some that are not. The degree to which terms are accepted also varies from person to person, or from region to region.  Take for example, crossdresser and transvestite. There are two terms used to describe people who identify and live as one gender, but enjoy spending some time dressed as the opposite gender. In the United States, transvestite has fallen out of favor, but in Britain it is still acceptable. It’s almost like we have out own transgender language with regional dialects.

Anyway, I think I am getting way off topic here. Back to DOR for a moment. If you haven’t looked for your local event, I highly encourage you to do so. One place you can go it this years DOR website at:http://www.transgenderdor.org/. If you area is not listed, but there is an event going on let Ethan know so he can get the event up on the site. There have been a lot of additions to the events list the last few weeks. This is a good time for those of us who are trans to stand up against violence against our community. If you are a trans ally, this is a good time to stand up and let people know that you support the trans community. 

As we all know, there has been a lot going on politically the last week or so. I wasn’t sure how much I was going to get into politics here, but I guess there are a few important things to say. We saw a major shift in this last election, and opportunity to fix some of what is broken. The one thing that I caution people in is expecting an over night fix from President-Elect Obama. It took Bush a few years to mess things up, and it will take a few years to get things back in order. There are a lot of expectations placed on this man, and I think he is the kind of leader we need to make some significant changes. I know that many people in the LGBT community in general are hoping that the gains made in congress might renew the promise of an inclusive ENDA. I too hope for that, but we also need to realize that those who dropped us from ENDA are still in office. We need to keep on them. Obama said he would sign an inclusive ENDA, so make sure you are lobbying your representatives for such. I have not participated in a lobby day before, but I am seriously considering it.  NCTE will be hosting its annual lobby day April 26th through the 28th. Like I said, I have never done this before, but I will probably be there. Besides that it is right around the time I plan on going full time, so what better time to get out there and be more visibly active!

Now a few words about prop 8, or H8 as some are calling it. I’m not going to sit here and try and dissect what when wrong, but if I ran that campaign I would have…… Just kidding I said I wouldn’t and I won’t. I am however very disappointed in the results. Vicki Kolakowski did a recent interview on Trans-Ponder in which she mentioned how some in the trans community did not feel that prop H8 applies to them. Right now, for many of them they may be right. The members of our community who are straight identified and post-op, this may not apply to them fully. Vicky explains, however that it may still affect all of us. If you are in a legally heterosexual marriage, and go through divorce or one of you passes away, your gender may be challenged. If so, the court may decide that you are not in a prop 8 marriage, and eliminate property rights or other privileges of marriage. There are still times and places where someone could try and use your trans status to reduce or void your marriage. This is not just an LGB issue, this can affect all of us. That is all I will say on the topic. 

Ok, enough politics. I’m getting too tired now. One last, and very important thing, a friend of mine has had a very difficult time with coming out to her family. Please stop by her blog on Yahoo360 and show her some support. I think she really needs some words of support and encouragement right now.

More coming out

I’m actually writing this blog from the San Francisco airport. I am on my way back home after spending the weekend out here. I came out for a friends wedding, and also to come out to my dad, my step-mom, and my brother.

    Over the last few weeks, and especially the last few days, I have worried and wondered what their reactions would be. I have hoped for the best, but also deep down inside feared the worst. All along, however, my intuition told me that it would be alright.

On Sunday morning, I had brunch with some of the family. My grandmother was there, and not terribly thrilled about my long hair. Even going so far as to asking me if I would be cutting it prior to an upcoming business trip I have planned for next month. I basically said that I like it long and that I would not be cutting it. Other than that, we had a nice brunch. My grandmother is getting up there in age, she will be 91 soon. I rather felt like this may be the last time I will see her. Not because of transition, but because of her age and health. Time is catching up to her, and it is now really taking its toll on her. It was a sad day because of my thoughts around that. I love my grandmother dearly, but I have also worried the most about her reaction to my coming out as being trans. She is old fashioned, and probably the most religious person in the family. As of right now, I will likely not tell her, but that can change.

After brunch, I manager to make some time to spend with my dad and step-mom. I needed this time, for one I had not seen my dad in a year, and my step-mom in two years. As we began our walk, I basically came right out and said it. I went with the direct approach. I was met with immediate acceptance, understanding, support, love, and a whole bunch of other wonderful emotions. I was told that they support me no matter what, that they want me to be happy, that many of the decisions I have made in the past now make perfect sense. They were wonderful. We had a great conversation about my transition, my family, my future, my work, and everything that is affected by this journey I am undertaking. I wish only that we had more time with them. I cannot tell you how much of a weight lifted from my shoulders with their words of love and support. They even asked when they could start calling me Kathryn, and I said when ever you are ready. Talk about cool! Like my mom and step-dad, they seem to really get it. I am so fortunate to have such wonderful parents, I truly feel fortunate.

After getting my dad and step-mom on the road to their house, I headed over to my moms. Later this same evening I would be coming out to my brother. Another process  that had worried me for some time. I had spent a lot of time talking to my spouse, my mom, my therapist about my worries with him. He came to my moms house for dinner, and unexpectedly brought his kids with him. A small kink in the plan, but hey we were able to work around it. After dinner, the time was right, and my mom and I suggested we go for a little walk outside as there was something I wanted to talk to him about. When we got outside, I went once again with the fairly direct approach, framing it slightly in the context of my not being into sport, drinking, or drinking while watching sports (all things he loves to do but I hate to do!). I then told him I was trans. He had a quiet shocked look on his face at first. My mom then began to share her thoughts, her acceptance, and her support. After some time the look of shock wore away, and was replaced by words of assurance that he would support me no matter what. He did not have many questions yet, though I am sure they will come. Of all I worry about the short term emotional needs. He will probably need the most after coming out follow-up, just to help he deal with his own emotions around it. Dealing with emotions is not his strong suit.

All in all, coming out this weekend went extremely well. I sometimes have to pinch myself, though I always felt that my family would be just as loving and supportive as they have been. My wife also told her parents and brothers this weekend while I was out of town. Again they all voiced their concern, their support, and their love for me. Words and support that touched me to tears. I only wish there were more people in this world like those in my family and those in my wifes family. They represent the true meaning of family. The idea that family is there to love and support no matter what, to only wish the best for those you love, and to hope that those you love find happiness, even if it means transitioning your gender. I feel that, now, my relationships with my friends and family will be deeper and more genuine, and more real than ever before.

Well, I am running out of batteries as I type here at the airport. I thank my friends out there who kept me in their thoughts as I made this journey to take the next important step in coming out. Thank you to all of you.

Thoughts on Happy Posts

There were a few things that have made me think this weekend. One of those things was a recent post on TranscendGender.com by Amber. In it she questions whether or not people like to read “happy posts.” I found this to be a very relevant and important question.

For many people in the trans community, blogs and internet postings have become a way to gain much needed support during the difficult times of transition. For many people, this may be their only outlet to try and get the support they need to make it through the hard times. As a result, many of us find posting our challenges to be not only a way to get support, but also a cathartic release of sorts as well. We can use this wonderful medium to get things off our chests or just put our thoughts into words.

Posts about challenges tend to elicit the most responses. Does that mean that those posts are the most read? Maybe, maybe not. Lets take a quick look at my own blogs stats to see what the numbers say. My most popular post so far, aside from my post on transcendgender on Transgender Access to Health Care, is a post I titles “Between Two Worlds.” This was a post in which I talked about my frustrations of being stuck between two worlds. The next three were on the importance of surgical status, my struggles with courage to transition, and one about the film “Trinidad.” By the way a side note here, looking at TransscendGender, posts about documentaries seem to be the most popular by far.

   On the other end of the spectrum, my least read posts are one I wrote about a night out on the town(a positive post) and another one about my renewed commitment to this blog. The least popular were some of my most upbeat and happy posts. 

As for comments, I tended to get the most comments when I discussed days when I was having a hard time with things or important trans-related topics, such as my discussion on identifying by surgical status. I’ll be the first to tell you that the comments for the posts when I was feeling down and out were the most important comments for me, and I just want to take a moment to thank those of you who posted to those. The other comments were important as well, they told me that the issues I was talking about were important to others in the community, and that I was not the only one thinking about them. 

Now comes a part of this that has presented me with some angst. That is my not sharing some of the things that have gotten me the most excited during my transition in terms of help for my transition. I posted once on the benefits in my workplace. I am fortunate to work for a company that has comprehensive trans medical benefits, up to and including surgery. I was quite excited when I found all of this out, and I posted a bit about it. This was one of my least popular posts and it received no comments. The angst comes in that I sometimes feel guilty sharing some of this information on my blog or even with friends. I feel guilty because most are not fortunate to have the protections and coverage that I have. So, when I have these kinds of,”Wow! This is great!” moments, I feel reluctant to share this information. 

I don’t think that we don’t want to hear about what is going well in each others lives, I think that we have found this medium to be a great way to get and lend support. I have never been a part of a community that was so dedicated to it members and to lending support to one another in our darkest moments. I think much of that comes from seeing too many of our sisters and brothers take their lives before they had a chance to live their lives, we don’t want to see any others take a step down that dark path. We also seek out support to help make sure that we make it to transition, and that we don’t take that final irreversible step into blackness. 

I would like to see more of us share out normal everyday joys, along with the frustrations. I posted recently about the seemingly normal uneventful days that I was having. This was a post about how average some days of transition can be. In fact, I think that many of us probably wind up with more and more of these days, especially after transition. For me, these average, nothing special days are a sign that the dark days of depression and repression are slowly slipping away, and the days of being myself full time are approaching. I look forward to the day when most of my days are just normal days, and I have little to write about. I will still write anyway because I have come to find it to be an important part of my life.

Now on to some happy news. Warning, happy content ahead! 

As some may know, the Out & Equal Workplace Summit took place in Austin, TX this last week. A contingent from my company came out for the conference, people from different work sites around the country. This was significant, because I got the chance to meet three people who have been a great support for me as I begin planning my workplace transition. These people included a member of our LGBT employee resource group, a trans-woman who works for my company, another contact in the ERG, and a woman who helped me get in touch with the right HR person in the company. The first individual answered my semi-anonymous e-mail and got the ball rolling for me.  He got me in touch with the trans-woman, who helped me know that I was not alone. All of these people together have made a tremendous difference in my life. They took a huge weight off of my shoulders, and assured me that all would be ok at work, that I had nothing to worry about with this company.

Meeting them was a very emotional event for me. I held up well, but I was so thankful to them. They made such a difference. I was able to refocus that energy was I spending worried about workplace stuff, and use that energy for other tasks. What an amazing group of people. They even asked if I would present next year at Out & Equal, and I said sure! I hope they were serious, because I am. I plan on being full time by then, and it would be a huge honor to be a trans representative of my company at Out & Equal. 

I hope to be able to say more about these wonderful people in the future. For now, for my privacy and theirs, I will keep them anonymous people, but they know who they are. 

One thing I must say is that if your company has an LGBT employee group, get involved with it. Even if you are not out at work yet, you can be involved as an ally of the group. These groups can be instrumental in steering company policy and company benefits. The work you do now can benefit other transgender employees who come after you. These groups can only grow if people get involved. If you company doesn’t have such a group, find out the company policies on starting employee resource or networking groups. Find other LGBT folks in your company, and start one. Many companies don’t realize how many LGBT employees they have unless those employees make their voices known. If they think they don’t have many, why are they going to bother providing benefits or protections! For many trans people, the protections of their employers are the only protections they have until we can expand legal protections. It is because of employee resource groups that these folks are able to at least know their job is secure, even if they have no legal protection where they live. 

I am in a fortunate position, and I thank God for this everyday. In my previous career, I saw first hand trans-women who had no jobs, no health coverage, no homes, no support. I want to see that become a thing of the past. I want to be a part of continuing the fight that other began before me. Just because I have these things does not mean I am content to just live my life. I was asked once why I care about things such as an inclusive ENDA when I am protected by my employer, and my response was simple yet heart felt,”Because there are other who are not protected.” 

I may not yet be in a position to lobby and fight, but I guarantee you that the day will come. I was never an activist before. I never really took a stand on anything, but now I have a hard time not taking a stand. I finally have things that I believe in so strongly that I have to stand up and be heard. It is refreshing. I often wondered if I would be passionate about anything. In the last few months I have come to learn that you have to be passionate about life to be passionate about issues. I was not passionate about my life before, and, now, with each step closer to living my life as the woman that I am I become more passionate about life and living.

Just another day

Today was, well, just another day. There are more of these lately, more than I have had in quite a long time. What exactly is just another day? Well, I guess you can say its a day when I am just content with the direction in which my life is going. There is not depression like I felt during the years of repression(sorry bad unintentional rhyme), no hormone induced emotional roller coaster, just me being happy looking forward to the future, but content with the present.

I reflected a few times on the important step that Nikki and Breanna took yesterday when they went full time, living as their true selves 24/7. Everything seemed to go very well for them, and I am so excited for them. in a way it really helps me to realize that in the end everything will be ok. This is not to say that the road will be easy. I know there will be difficult times, many of which are behind me, but many of which still lay on the road ahead. Whatever the future holds, I am content that the day will come when I can finally live as my true self. 

For now, I am learning to finally enjoy the simple things in life. To finally be able to take one day at a time, and to experience life. For so many years, I let life pass me by. I could not savor it. I was too wrapped up in hiding from myself, hiding myself from the world, afraid of revealing myself. These days, I live with less of that fear. I wouldn’t even really call it fear anymore. In fact, many times I have to hold myself back from telling people. 

Last Friday, the day after I had gone out to see Trinidad, I had to hold myself back from talking to my employees about the evening I had. I had enjoyed that evening out so much, that I wanted to share it. Instead, I just smiled to myself, realizing that the evening before had been so much fun and the time would come when I would be able to openly share my life and the things that I do. For now, I share the moments with my friends and family who know who I really am. 

While today was just another week, the next few days hold the promise of some fun. The Out & Equal Workplace Summit comes to Austin this week, and with it a few of the contacts I have been speaking with inside my company. Tomorrow I get the chance to meet them face to face. It will be nice to finally meet someone else who has transitioned at the same company, and who has become a great support to me. Because of timing issues, I may have to go in boy mode, but we should be able to plan some other activities later in the week that will allow me to go out as myself. I look forward to that. I hope a few ordinary days will flow into a few extraordinary ones. 

An ordinary day is refreshing, especially in light of all the dark days I have left behind. To Nikki and Breanna, I wish you both many ordinary days, where you can finally just enjoy being you without all the conflict of the past! I look forward to joining you in having those kinds of ordinary days. For now, I will be content with knowing that I am, for the first time in my life, on the right path.

Trinidad

Last night, the documentary, Trinidad, was shown as part of the Austin Gay and Lesbian International Film Festival. We organized a group to go to dinner and see the film through TENTex. Prior to the film, we met up at the Spaghetti Warehouse. If you visit the Austin area, this is likely a restaurant you may want to skip. It is located right in the Warehouse district, and is reasonably priced, but it not the best Italian food in the world. Fortunately, the company was much better than the food. I don’t want to complain too much about the food, since it is a restaurant with ample space and reasonable enough to accommodate everyones budget. Dinner gave me the opportunity to meet a few people who I had not had a chance to meet, so for this it was a wonderful meal. I elected for the chicken alfredo, which was not really very tasty, but I was hungry, so it served a purpose. 

After dinner, a few of us rushed ahead to the theater to make sure we got tickets for everyone, unfortunately you could not buy tickets in advance. The theater, which we were told was just a few blocks away ended up being six or seven blocks away. Half way through this walk, I figured out that my shoes, which I had only worn once before, were starting to rub on my toes. It ended up being a bit of a painful walk, not to mention I was going to have to walk this distance back to my car at the end of the evening.

Anyway, we got the theater only to find a very long line in front. This is not your average metroplex with 500 screens. It only has two screens and is an Alamo Draft House cinema. For those of you not familiar with Alamo Draft house, these are theaters in which there is full service dinning during the film, and yes that included beer, wine, and mixed drinks. Because there are tables at each row of seating, the theater probably only hold half of what a similarly sized theater will hold. When we got the front of the line, we realized the theater was going to be packed. I had to wait while they tried to figure out how many seat were left. In order to keep our group together, which numbered 15 or so, we had to sit in the front row. You know, the row where you are looking almost straight up to see the film. The last time I sat in that row was when I was ten years old and went to see Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom with my best friend. Again those were the only seats left for us.

Were were very fortunate to at least get seats where we could all sit together. Once seated, we were introduced to the directors of the fild, PJ Raval and Jay Hodges. These are two local film makers, so even though the film was about Trinidad, Colorado, it was really kind of an Austin film, which is pretty cool.

For those of you who have not heard of the film, Trinidad is about Trinidad, Colorado, and follows not only Dr. Mari Bowers, but also two other trans women, and takes a look at the setting in which Dr. Biber began his practice, and the setting in which Dr. Bowers continues his work. One of the reasons the directors chose this location and this particular surgeon was the apparent dichotomy of GRS being done in what is essentially a frontier town. 

Trinidad has a population of approximately 9,000 souls, and is very much still a part of the wild west. It is not unlike many towns you would find in West Texas. For those of you who have never ventured into West Texas, let me tell you it is probably not the most LGBT friendly part of the state, and is probably very fundamentalist is their view points. It was interesting to see in the film that despite the apparent similarities to such areas, Trinidad is really a very accepting place. When you get past all the churches and pick-up trucks, you find a town that is really at ease with the idea that Trinidad is considered such a special place for many in the transgender community.

One thing I had a difficult time with the in film was the fact that some considered Trinidad to be a kind of spiritual center for the transsexual community. This view just did not sit well with me. I can understand and appreciate the importance that this location plays in the lives of trans women who had had their GRS performed in Trinidad. This is not small even in the lives of these women. But, to say that it is more important than other locations where GRS is being performed really, to me, minimizes the importance of those other surgeons and locations to the women who travel there to have their GRS performed. I tend to take the point of view that the trans community is extremely diverse, and when we place a value on one path to transition or one surgeon over other, we minimize the experience of those women who have chosen a different path or a different physician.

Anyway, back to the film. The film also followed two trans women who planned to open a recovery center for women having their GRS performed by Dr Bowers. These women liquidated what they had, and planned to renovate a house and open it as a recovery house within six months. The renovations ended up stretching out over a year. During the course of that time, I sensed this real resentment that Dr Bowers was not helping to fund the renovation and help open the house. 

This resentment really bothered me. The project, at least to my knowledge, was not started because Dr Bowers asked them to do it. Instead, it felt as though these women wanted to be a part of Dr Bowers success, and expected her to embrace their efforts fully and support them in their efforts. There were several things that went wrong along the way, and I can completely understand Dr Bowers not getting financially involved in the project. 

Overall, I really enjoyed the film. I am still mulling over many aspects of it, and considering much of what I saw and learned. It is thought provoking. Not only does it make one consider the journey of transition, but it also makes you consider the idea that not everyone is as they may appear. Just as we ask that people not judge us for being trans, we have to realize that we cannot judge everyone else on how they appear. Trinidad, CO may appear from a distance to be a town that would not be accepting of the transgender community, and would be an unlikely place for GRS surgery to be occuring. Yet, the town supported Dr Biber when he was alive, and they welcomed Dr Bowers into the community to continue Dr Biber’s work. Dr Bowers continues her work in, of all places, a Catholic hospital in a town on the edge of civilization. 

I may write more about this film later, as I reflect more on the film, the issues present in the film, and the people involved. This film really touches on many aspects of transition, family, children, acceptance, employment, prejudice, and the journey of self acceptance. If you have a chance to catch a screening I would highly recommend it. 

After the film, I got a chance to go out with some friends to a bar across the street. This was an opportunity to talk more about transition and just spend time with some good friends. One topic that came up was about comfort, and being comfortable in a new gender role. This is an important topic to me and I will talk about it in my next post, so I won’t go into too much detail here.

One last thing I do have to mention, mostly because I am sure Tiana is dying for me to write about it. Last night I got hit on for the first time. As we walked into the bar, I was approached by a guy who asked me if I was 21. I said that I was. He then asked if I was really 21, and flashed a badge. I again said that I was over 21. He said we wanted me to step to the back of the bar with him. I asked him to se his badge again, he then used the line he was working his way up to. He asked me to step to the back of the bar and ,”Put you legs behind your head.” Obviously a seriously bad way to pick up on a woman, but flattering none the less. We laughed and and pleasantly declined. I think I left that interaction bright red and with a big smile on my face. Tiana teased me about it the rest of the evening. It was certainly flattering, and very much a confidence booster. Having at one time wondered if I would ever pass to being hit on in a regular bar was definitely something that boosted my confidence. And this happened well before midnight, so the guy was not even drunk yet!

All in all this was a wonderful evening and just nice to be able to go out in the middle of the week. unfortunately I am going to be missing out on some media training being given by GLADD this weekend. I was really hoping to be able to make that, but it was not in the cards this week. I hope they will offer this training again in the near future. Hope the rest of you had a great week and have a great weekend!