Coming out to my children

 Last night, I did was I would consider to be the hardest and scariest part of my transition, I came out to my two daughters. This was something I have been wanting to do, and something I have been not wanting to do. No matter how much I want to be me, I am also very protective of my daughters. I wanted to shield them from any pain that could come from my transition. Was this ever a possibility? I kind of doubt it. Protecting them from any pain that could result from my transition would mean not transitioning at all. Not transitioning would cause them pain because of what it would do to me.

   We had talked, my spouse and I, for quite a while about when we would come out to my daughters. We agreed to wait until after the Holidays. So, now it was well after the holidays. The Christmas decorations have been put away, and the kids are already talking about next Christmas(and you thought the stores start early when the put out the Christmas stuff in July). So, it was time. I told my spouse that we should do it this weekend. On Saturday, we she called my sister-in-law to let her know that we would be coming out to the girls today. We did this because my niece and nephew are like siblings to my kids. They all spend time together every day, so we knew that we would either have to tell them together. or at least close together. The decision was made to tell them all at the same time.

Well, we had eased into the day, meaning we slept in, lounged around in our pajamas,took at nap,  and finally decided we needed to get out of the house a little bit before the day was over. We went out to dinner with the girls and then came back to the house. My sister-in-law was out running errand with her kids, and it was late, after 9pm when she finally got over to our house. My girls are usually in bed by 9 on the weekends, but they were still up.

They were watching High School Musical, they love that movie, and we found a good break in the movie to stop and and start the conversation. I tried, as best I could, to explain the way that I had always felt, trying to put it in terms that the 5 and under crowd could understand. There were giggles and smiles. Then my oldest daughter looked at me and told me that she id not want me to change. This one statement felt like it tore my heart apart, and I began to cry. I tried to hold it back, but my mind raced between the potential pain that my transition would cause, and the pain that I would feel if I did not transition. My oldest began to cry too. I think that my sudden crying scared her.

Soon, her sister was crying too. They were tired, and now they were confused by what I was telling them, and scared of change. Change is not always an easy thing for kids. As any parent who has tried to change their child’s routine and the struggles that can follow. Meanwhile, my niece and nephew still seemed fine with everything. They said they were scared about my change, but they were still engaged in the conversation and appeared more curious than scared. We watched the documentary,”No Dumb Questions.” This helped them to see that they should be open and willing to ask questions, and my nephew was fascinated with seeing “Uncle Bill” as “Aunt Barbara” in the film.

Throughout all of this, my spouse and her sister were like rocks. When I was crying, while they did tear up, they help steady and strong. They reassured not only the children, but they also reassured me that everything would be ok and that I should not feel bad. They were amazing! My oldest daughter, although upset, held onto me. We went back to watching High School Musical, my oldest wanted to finish watching the movie. That night, both the girls slept with us.

This morning, I had to leave the house early. I had a meeting with the rest of the executive board from Transgender Education Network of Texas. We were meeting with a trans woman who was trying to see that a new homeless shelter project in San Antonio, Haven of Hope, would have trans friendly policies. We met with her to see what our organization could do to help. After that I had an appointment with my therapist. These sessions are usually more transition planning than anything else, but this time I really needed the session. It helped me to get some of my thoughts out about the way the previous evening had gone.

When I got home this afternoon, my spouse and the girls were still out. So, I changed back to “boy mode.” Yuck! I was hoping that coming out to my children would have gone a little smoother, and that I would be more free to present female in front of them, but I was now worried that this would take a bit longer.

They all got home not long after I changed. My spouse and her sister left my daughters and nephew with my, while they went with my niece to talk to the parents of my nieces friend. Since I was out to the kids, it was time to let some of their friends parents know what was going on. Shortly after being dropped off, my daughter came up to me and asked,”When are you becoming a girl.” I told her that it would be a few more months. I asked her why she was asking. She then told me that she was excited about my transition. I asked her why, and she said that it was because we could do makeup and nails together. She was displaying genuine excitement about my transition, and the fact that I could do more girly things with her. She is very girly, and loves anything pink and girly!

  My nephew and daughter were genuinely excited and happy about my transition. Gone was the fear and confusion from the previous evening. Now they here bouncing and curious and happy. We talked more about the fact that there are times when I go out dressed as a woman, and that as time goes by I will do this more and more until I am doing it all the time. They thought that this was cool, and asked more question about it. My daughter asked about my wearing girl clothes and where I buy my clothes (if I but them at the same place as mommy). I eventually asked if they wanted to see a picture of me presenting female, and they said they did. I showed a picture, and they liked it. My daughter said I was beautiful!

In the last 24 hours, I went from scared a worried to feeling a lot more at ease about how my kids will handle my transition. They will still have occasional difficult times, but I know we will be able to get through those together. The growing excitement from my oldest daughter warms my heart, and it gives me strength. I know that the road ahead will not always be easy, but I am ready for the challenges it holds. I am relieved to have the weight of coming out to my daughters off my shoulders.

On a side note, this evening we went out to pick up a couple of movies and pick up some Chinese food for dinner. At both stops I got ma’amed. I was “presenting male,” but I think that my increasing confidence in my transition shows through, and my true self begins to shine through more and more.

Benefit screening of “Trinidad”

TRINIDAD will be screening in downtown Austin at the Alamo Ritz January 4th:

PLEASE PURCHASE YOU TICKETS IN ADVANCE SO WE GET THE BIGGER THEATRE!! PLEASE!

for advance ticket sales:
http://www.originalalamo.com/Show.aspx?id=6038

Date: Sunday Jan 4th 2009
Time: 5 pm*, 7:30 pm
venue: Alamo Ritz Drafthouse Cinema
320 E 6th Street
Austin, TX 78701

special guest Sabrina Taraboletti and filmmaker PJ Raval in attendance!

*the 5pm show will be a special benefit screening for TENT -Transgender Education Network Texas (www.tentex.org). All tickets sales will be donated to TENT so even if you can’t attend or live outside of Austin please consider purchasing a ticket online to support TENT.

please mark your calendars and spread the word!

also feel free to visit our website and sign up for email updates:
trinidadthemovie.com

of visit us on facebook:
http://www.new.facebook.com/pages/TRINIDAD/9953888935

“Though Trinidad is a small town, it’s emblematic of the world at large. In this documentary, three main characters make different choices in a society struggling to accept them. The universal themes and the compelling narrative quality of the film make it a must-see.” – Ellen Huang GLAAD/Queer Lounge

“TRINIDAD succeeds in presenting the materials for a better understanding of transsexual people and stands to be very instrumental in making the world outside of Trinidad, Colorado a safer place for them to live.” – Film Threat

New Year Reflection

Yes, It’s that time of year. Time to reflect on last year, where I started it, where I went, and where I ended it. It was an amazing year. I started out 2008 entrenched in what seemed like a never ending cycle of wishing I could transition, not knowing if I would ever be able to transition, feeling like wishing to transition was hopeless, and just not really being fully engaged in life. 

Even in that, I think I fooled a lot of people. I pretended like everything was ok. I fooled myself into thinking I could keep fighting. What I didn’t know was that it was really beginning to be a losing battle for me. Sleep was never really something I looked forward to, mostly because I couldn’t. I lay in bed tossing and turning, knowing who I was on the inside, and not knowing how, or if, or when I would ever be able to express that. At the same time, I was trying to keep a marriage from sinking, but I was hitting icebergs. The more I struggled on the inside, the more I withdrew from my spouse, and the more our day to day relationship suffered. 

By the end of February, things were not looking good. One night, she came to me. She told me that she knew I was hiding something, she told me that she didn’t want to lose me as a friend and a parent to our children, she reached out to me and threw out a lifeline. That night, for the first time, I spoke the words the described how I felt on the inside. I described by gender dysphoria, my feeling of not being a “man,” my need to live as a woman, my need to be true to myself. To my amazement, she expressed support, she displayed understanding, and she accepted me for who I was.

That was the first step. We talked and realized that we did not know where this would take our relationship, but we knew, no matter what, we would always have our friendship and we would always be committed to working together to raise our daughters. Over the next few nights, I tried to figure out what the next steps were. Despite years of knowing I was trans, I had never searched out information to determine what I had to do to transition. I was afraid to look before, I was afraid the knowledge of what it would take would draw me in, that knowing what to do would make it easier for me to take that next step and actually transition. But now, I had finally found that I could reveal who I was and that the people I loved the most might not turn their backs on me, that I might not become an outcast. So, I reached out and sought out. 

I found that there were local groups and organizations. I e-mail one such group, the Central Texas Transgender Society. I soon was put in touch with my two dear friends, Karen and Tiana. We arranged to meet for lunch. So, on March 19th, 2008, I met with Karen and Tiana at Dave and Busters, here in Austin. For the first time in my life, I sat down and talked to two people who had been where I was at, two people who understood what I was going through, two wonderful women who would become my friends. They told me more about the monthly CTTGS luncheons, a great opportunity to get out and meet other people in the community. I would have gone that month, but, as luck would have it, the day we had lunch I was a little sick, but, by the time Saturday rolled around, I was on my way to the doctor to treat the cold that had progressed into bronchitis. I was sick and miserable for days.

I continued to search for information, looking to understand better what I was going through, what the future held for me, and what I needed to do to get to where I needed to be. I found my therapist, and started therapy in April. To sit down in front of a total stranger and relate my story again was an amazing relief. That month I also attended my first CTTGS luncheon. I went in drab, but still enjoyed getting to meet some other people in the local community. Over the next month, I learned how to do my makeup, bought my first female clothing, got a laser and electrolysis consultation, and purchased a wig to tied me over until my hair got longer. In May I took the big step of going out presenting female for the first time. It was for the monthly CTTGS luncheon. The luncheon had been rescheduled for the following weekend, but I didn’t realize it. I wasn’t on the mailing list yet, still not actually(hmm I’ll have to look into that one again.) Fortunately one other person did not get the e-mail either, so she and I ate lunch together, and then we went out to a shoe store. First time out, I had lunch and went shopping for shoes. Not bad.

At the end of May, I talked to my therapist about hormones. She agreed that I was ready, and said she would provide a letter. I made an appointment with my doctor for the end of June, after getting a full physical first. At the end of June, I walked into the doctors office with my letter in my hand. I actually didn’t need it in my hand, as it had already been faxed over. That day, I was prescribed hormones. That afternoon, I picked up my spiro, and called in to order my estradiol! I was on cloud 9!

The summer was a whirlwind of activity. I began to get involved with Transgender Advocates of Central Texas, which promptly changed their name to Transgender Education Network of Texas when I attended my first meeting. In July I received my first hormone injection. I was nervous, I was excited, I couldn’t believe it! Two weeks late I was a total b***h for a few days as I adjusted to the shifting hormones. But, overall, I felt so much better. I felt more grounded, more centered, less pissed off at everything. Over the summer I began to let my hair grow and I started my faical hair removal. I found that laser really hurts. Ouch! During the session, I realized that if I was not serious about what I was doing, I probably would run out of that room. But my desire to be rid of that facial hair was far stronger than the pain of the laser.

In September, I officially began the coming out process. I started with my former police partner and close friend. I had not spoken with her in nearly six months. I wasn’t ready to tell her before that, and I couldn’t talk to her without telling her. So, one evening, I sent the letter. The next morning, I awoke to find her response. I cried when I read the words,”I’m sorry that you felt that you could not tell me earlier but I am honored and gateful that you have shared this with me now.  You are my friend and I miss you dearly and think about you often……..I don’t want you to be or feel alone.  I guess what I’m saying is what can I do to support you decision?” I felt relief in knowing that I had the support of one of my closest and dearest friends. 

The following month, my Mom came out for a visit, and I told her while she was here. I waited until the end of the first week of her visit. By then the emotions of holding it in overtook me. I broke down, and my wife went to get my mom. On the way upstairs, she told my mom,”Be Strong.” She didn’t mean to be overly dramatic, but it did put a lot of thoughts running through my mom’s head. Especially when my mom saw me crying on the bed. After I assured her that I was not dying, I told her what was going on. I was met with complete love and acceptance, the kind of support that only a mother can give. It was an amazing relief to me. In November, I told my Dad and my brother. They also expressed acceptance and support, but I think they struggled with it a little more at first. They are good now.

The rest of the year has been a little more low key. I put anymore coming out on hold until the end of the year, and I took the time to enjoy the Holidays. I also looked forward to the fact that the coming year hold the promise of many more steps forward, many more changes. I ended the year coming out to another friend, who also expressed support and his friendship not matter what. That was last year in a nut shell. There was so much more, so many details, many of which I left out, but I wanted to touch on the most important. 

This year taught me that I could be myself, that I could finally stand up for something, that I could be an advocate for something I believe in, and that I don’t need to live my life wishing I could be who I am, I just have to take control and be me. Am I going to make a new years resolution? I’m not sure if I would call them resolutions. Each year I typically resolve not to make any resolutions. Instead I will make plans. If I have a plan, I can implement it and carry through on it. So, I plan to go full time(probably April, before my birthday), I plan to take my children to Disney World, I plan to be more involved in Trans education and advocacy, and I plan to just be me, finally.

Thank you to everyone have have met over the last and thank you to the friends and family who stayed and supported me. I wish you all find what you are looking for out of 2009, and if by chance you don’t find it, keep pushing forward and never lose hope.

Follow-up thoughts on trans healthcare and coverage

Lately I have been doing more thinking about the issue of health care coverage for trans people. My original post on this topic can be found here. This topic seems to be one that comes up repeatedly, and I think that it is one that deserves more attention and more analysis. Over the next few weeks or so, I am going to do more research into the issue, looking at coverages, barriers to health care access, costs of health care for transitioners, and the medical needs of the transgender community.

A few months ago, we had the Town Hall call on this topic, but I have seen little follow-up in this issue. In fact, we have seen things get worse in some respects. Recently we saw the policy changes allowing doctors to refuse treatments if it goes against their religious beliefs, and this was followed closely by the Pope’s condemnation of homosexuality and transsexual persons. Was this a coincidence? Maybe, but the timing is suspect. I wonder if this will be followed up with statements and opinions about what “good” Catholic doctors should and should not do. I grew up Catholic, and I have always held out hope that the Church will move into the 20th Century, but it seems to continue to root itself in the dark ages. 

Anyway, I would like to ask for your help with this little project of mine. If anyone has any stories about health care issues such as being rejected by doctors, insurance plan issues, or any other problems related to being trans and seeking health care, please e-mail them to me. E-mail me at transgenderhealthcare@gmail.com. I would even like to hear the good stories, the improvements in coverage, etc. When sharing your stories, I will always keep your personal information confidential, but please let me know if you would prefer me not to republish your story as part of this. If you don’t I will just use the information as a reference points as I look for trends, opportunities, or discriminatory practices. Thank you to anyone willing to share their experiences. Also, if you have any good links to information you may feel is relevant, please send me that as well. I think the more information I can pull together, the better I can put together a picture of where we stand today, where we need to be, and some ideas of how we can get there.

Remembering Jennifer Gale

I know I haven’t written in a while. Life seems to have gotten really busy as of late. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say, in fact I imagine the next week or so will probably result in a flurry of posts as I get out thoughts on things I have been experiencing, and I work on my end of year post.

 

Right now, I want to I need to take a moment to talk about Jennifer Gale. For many of you, this may not a name you recognize. I did not know her name until last week when word of her passing was announced. Who was Jennifer Gale, she was a transgender woman who was a local figure here in Austin. She ran for several different offices in here in Austin and Texas, such as Mayor of Austin, Austin School Board, Mayor of Dallas, and numerous other petitions. It seems that any ballot in Austin was not complete without her. She spoke frequently before boards and commissions here in Austin. While other said,”Keep Austin Weird,” She said,”Keep Austin, Austin.” She understood that what made Austin unique and special was worth preserving and fighting for. She was a Marine, and she was homeless.

Jennifer Gale died in front of a church here in Austin, sleeping on the street on a very very cold night. She was discovered around 6am on December 17th, paramedics were called, but she could not be saved. Those words,”She could not be saved” strike me. She could have been saved. She could have been saved if there were shelters and resources that did not discriminate against her for being transgender. Shelter space for women in Austin is very limited, and non existent if you are a transgender woman. She slept on the streets because there was nowhere else for her to sleep. She died on the streets because there we no resources that were willing to help her. Organizations like the Salvation Army rejected her because she was trans, because her gender identity did not conform to their religious beliefs. 

This last Sunday morning, in the bitter cold, not unlike the weather the night she passed. We gathered to remember Jennifer. People from all walks of life gathered, the transgender community, the homeless, activists, politicians, and ordinary people who were touched by her story. We gather to not only remember her, but to make a commitment, a commitment to not allow more trans people die on the street because we did not try to do something. There seemed to finally be an acknowledgment that more has to be done here in Austin. Over 130 homeless people have died in the street this year in Austin. Jennifer was not the only one, she faced some of the same challenges, but her struggle to find shelter was made more difficult because she chose to live true to who she was.

City leaders and many other speakers acknowledged that more can be done to make services more accessible to the transgender community. There was an acknowledgment that the city council has a lot of work to do in this area. Many people on Sunday expressed their own culpability in Jennifer’s death. Those same people made commitments which had not been made before, commitments to begin a real dialogue around these issues here in Austin. But, these are not uniquely Austin issues. All around the country, trans people struggle to get off the street as they are repeatedly turned away from services that are not equipped to help them or simply not willing to help them. Does your city have trans friendly homeless shelters and programs? Where are trans women told to sleep and bathe, in the mens shelters just because they have not had surgery? Is there something you can do in your own community to bring up these issues and start a discussion?

I’d like to close this heavy discussion with a bright spot in Jennifer’s passing. The local media coverage was unlike any I have seen since coming out out as trans. Not once were pronouns wrong. In many stories her transgender status was not even mentioned. Not once was transgender, transsexual, crossdresser, transvestite, or other other such terms used as part of the byline or title.  The story was reported, most of the time, about a woman named Jennifer Gale. These stories were about the passing of a person and her contribution to the City of Austin and the State of Texas. There was no sensationalism. It was refreshing to see this kind of coverage, coverage that honored the person not their gender status. As you gather this holiday season with friends and family, I ask one thing of you, I ask you to remember Jennifer Gale. I did not know her, but there are many more people like her living on the streets. Just as they did not choose to be trans, they did not chose to sleep on the streets, rather they do so because no shelters will take them.

More coming out

I’m actually writing this blog from the San Francisco airport. I am on my way back home after spending the weekend out here. I came out for a friends wedding, and also to come out to my dad, my step-mom, and my brother.

    Over the last few weeks, and especially the last few days, I have worried and wondered what their reactions would be. I have hoped for the best, but also deep down inside feared the worst. All along, however, my intuition told me that it would be alright.

On Sunday morning, I had brunch with some of the family. My grandmother was there, and not terribly thrilled about my long hair. Even going so far as to asking me if I would be cutting it prior to an upcoming business trip I have planned for next month. I basically said that I like it long and that I would not be cutting it. Other than that, we had a nice brunch. My grandmother is getting up there in age, she will be 91 soon. I rather felt like this may be the last time I will see her. Not because of transition, but because of her age and health. Time is catching up to her, and it is now really taking its toll on her. It was a sad day because of my thoughts around that. I love my grandmother dearly, but I have also worried the most about her reaction to my coming out as being trans. She is old fashioned, and probably the most religious person in the family. As of right now, I will likely not tell her, but that can change.

After brunch, I manager to make some time to spend with my dad and step-mom. I needed this time, for one I had not seen my dad in a year, and my step-mom in two years. As we began our walk, I basically came right out and said it. I went with the direct approach. I was met with immediate acceptance, understanding, support, love, and a whole bunch of other wonderful emotions. I was told that they support me no matter what, that they want me to be happy, that many of the decisions I have made in the past now make perfect sense. They were wonderful. We had a great conversation about my transition, my family, my future, my work, and everything that is affected by this journey I am undertaking. I wish only that we had more time with them. I cannot tell you how much of a weight lifted from my shoulders with their words of love and support. They even asked when they could start calling me Kathryn, and I said when ever you are ready. Talk about cool! Like my mom and step-dad, they seem to really get it. I am so fortunate to have such wonderful parents, I truly feel fortunate.

After getting my dad and step-mom on the road to their house, I headed over to my moms. Later this same evening I would be coming out to my brother. Another process  that had worried me for some time. I had spent a lot of time talking to my spouse, my mom, my therapist about my worries with him. He came to my moms house for dinner, and unexpectedly brought his kids with him. A small kink in the plan, but hey we were able to work around it. After dinner, the time was right, and my mom and I suggested we go for a little walk outside as there was something I wanted to talk to him about. When we got outside, I went once again with the fairly direct approach, framing it slightly in the context of my not being into sport, drinking, or drinking while watching sports (all things he loves to do but I hate to do!). I then told him I was trans. He had a quiet shocked look on his face at first. My mom then began to share her thoughts, her acceptance, and her support. After some time the look of shock wore away, and was replaced by words of assurance that he would support me no matter what. He did not have many questions yet, though I am sure they will come. Of all I worry about the short term emotional needs. He will probably need the most after coming out follow-up, just to help he deal with his own emotions around it. Dealing with emotions is not his strong suit.

All in all, coming out this weekend went extremely well. I sometimes have to pinch myself, though I always felt that my family would be just as loving and supportive as they have been. My wife also told her parents and brothers this weekend while I was out of town. Again they all voiced their concern, their support, and their love for me. Words and support that touched me to tears. I only wish there were more people in this world like those in my family and those in my wifes family. They represent the true meaning of family. The idea that family is there to love and support no matter what, to only wish the best for those you love, and to hope that those you love find happiness, even if it means transitioning your gender. I feel that, now, my relationships with my friends and family will be deeper and more genuine, and more real than ever before.

Well, I am running out of batteries as I type here at the airport. I thank my friends out there who kept me in their thoughts as I made this journey to take the next important step in coming out. Thank you to all of you.

First time for everything

I’m spending this weekend in the San Francisco area. Part of the reason for my visit is to come out to some more family members, my brother and my father. I also took the opportunity to see my mom again, just a few weeks after her visit and coming out to her. We were also having lunch with a friend of mine, to whom I was also already out. So, it was nice to be able to see them and visit with them.

  Prior to lunch, my mom and I headed over to Target, as I had a couple of things I needed to pick up. After getting what we needed, my mom and I got in line. This was a particularly busy Target, so we got in one of the shorter lines. Soon after we got in line, I heard a target employee right behind me say “excuse me sir.” I turned towards her, and she looked directly at me. At that point, she said,”I’m sorry ma’am.” She then told me that we could go to the customer service desk to make our purchase to bypass the longer lines. This was the first time I have been ma’am-ed. It was such a good feeling to be addressed by feminine pronouns and as the gender with which I identify. Especially since I was completely in guy mode. I was wearing a button down shirt and jeans, “regular guy” clothes. It was interesting that once she looking me in the face, she then gendered me as female and corrected her pronouns.

I think a lot of times, early in transition, we wonder when this time will come. For us the changes are so gradual and incremental that we don’t see them all. We wonder if people will be able to view us as female, and yet that day comes, the day when someone genders us as female and addresses us by female pronouns. It is moments such as this that tells us we are on our way. This was a great boost to my trip, a real pump to my ego.

Now, I am preparing mentally for more coming out this weekend. I will be coming out to my dad and my brother. Am I nervous, hell yeah. I think that overall, things will go well, but I am still pretty nervous about it. Tonight, my spouse told her parents. We have not really had a chance to discuss how it went, but she told me that they are understanding and supportive. Another step in the right direction. The day is getting closer when I will be out to everyone I know, with the exception of those I work with. This brings that closer, the day when I will be out at work and living full time as my true self. I think that the more space I have to be myself, the more I realize that transition and full time are not that far away. That soon, I will be able to face the world as myself, to no longer be forced to be someone that I am not. For now, I look forward to the next time I get ma’am-ed!

Still Here, Still Going Strong

I realized over the last few days that it has been some time since I blogged about what has been going on with me. It’s certainly not for a lack of anything to write about, more like a lack of time to write about anything.

  Earlier this month, I came out to my mom. Her reaction, and our subsequent conversations and discussions have been so much better than I could have ever hoped for. I have been fortunate with the reactions of those to whom I have come out. They have been positive, supportive, and encouraging. Yet, I still worry with each person I prepare to come out to. I guess I am still bracing for negative reactions, and I am occasionally surprised when there is not negative reaction. My spouse attributes this to the person that I am, and the depth and the nature of the relationships I have with those close to me.

I also see it as a factor of the types of friends I have made, and those whom I have considered my close friends. Throughout my life, I didn’t have a large group of friends, but rather a smaller group of very close friends. There were typically people who did not pass judgement on others, people who did not expect their friends to conform to so imposed set of expectations, they were people who valued friends for who they were not who they wanted their friends to be. These are the same people who stood by me through all of lifes twists and turns. Even when they thought I should be taking a different path, they supported me still. They were true friends.

Over the next few weeks, I will be coming out to more and more people. I expect by the end of November, nearly everyone in my family will know, most of my friends will know, and word will get out to acquaintances about what I am going through. I will be out to nearly everyone in my life. The lone exception will be work and my co-workers. I am out to HR and a couple other people involved in out LGBT employee group, but only for the purposes of transition planning. As for my local co-workers, no one knows yet. That will likely come next year. There is still a lot more planning to do at work, but that time will come as well.

I sometimes think about where that leaves me now. The amount of space I have to be me is growing. When I am out to my kids, I will be able to be me when I am home, but, at work, I will still have to act and be “male.” The less I have to be male, the more relief I feel, the more comfort and peace I experience. Peace and comfort I have not known for a long time.

How We Transition

I wanted to talk about a subject that has come up recently on other blogs and other areas of the net. The story of Mike Penner led to a lot of disappointment and blog activity in the community, and some great discussions surrounding transition, detransition, and being comfortable with who we are.

This really has led me to consider more about what it means to be trans, what it means to be comfortable with who we are. While the term transgender has become one that encompasses a wide range of gender presentations, the term transsexual is still often viewed in a very narrow manner. Still people see the transition process of being transsexual as being an all or nothing proposition. Still, there are many who take very different approaches to transition.

How much one transition, if at all, or the amount of time one actually spends living in the gender role with which they identify is a uniquely individual decision. For some, family and employment concerns prevent a full transition, others transition in spite of the loss of friends, family,and employment, while others may experience little or no loss associated with transition. For most, whether they transition or not depends on how comfortable they are only being part time in the gender role with which they identify. Others still have found that they are comfortable living a more gender queer existence, living outside the gender binary. There are so many variations on transitions that I could not possibly discuss them all here.

The point that I am trying to make is that transition is not an all or nothing proposition. Just because I know that I will not be comfortable with anything less than a full transition does not diminish the validity of those who decide not to transition and are comfortable with where they are. How does this relate to Mike Penner? Not knowing him personally, and not knowing all the details of his transition, I can only speak from limited knowledge. But, I wonder if we more openly embraced the full spectrum of transsexual expression if Mike’s story might have played out differently, or would he have still tried living full time as Christine? I have heard from people on the cusp of making a full transition come to terms with the fat that they could live comfortably between the two genders.

Even withing the trans community, the gender binary can still rear it ugly head. There are those who think that one has to transition fully and live in a very feminine gender role. That is a decision that each individual must come to on their own, it must be something that they are comfortable with. If they are not, then the result is detransition. Sometimes we see a very negative reaction to detransition, this fear that an individual detransitioning somehow reduces our validity in the eyes of those who do not look favorably on our existence. In some cases, detransition is a bit sensationalized. In the case of Mike Penner, it seems to have been done very quietly. The loudest voice seem to have come from inside the transgender community. His detransition, I think, gives more validity to the process that we go through. Some who may not like the standards of care or choose to ignore them all together may not like anything that gives more credence to the process they lay out. In the case of Mike Penner, the SOC worked, he decided he wanted to detransition. He did this before undergoing GRS. Imagine how much more dramatic the story could be if he had undergone GRS. One only needs to look at some of the other stories that have come out in the last year or so. This is far less meaty of a story. It’s no wonder the media does not seem to have picked up on it.

In the end, being trans is not a choice, but we do all have decisions to make about how we deal with being trans. How and why we transition is as individual as each person is. In the end we must be comfortable with our decisions. I spent too many sleepless nights to not transition. Even though I am on my way to transition, I still feel the pains of dysphoria when I spend an entire work week being male, and I feel relief when I am able to take the suit of and just be me. For me it is obvious that I cannot live between the two worlds, between the two genders. I am not comfortable there. Others of us are comfortable there, and their decision is just as valid and acceptable as mine.

For anyone out there who knew Christine prior to her going back to being Mike, I hope you have let him know that he is still loved and welcome in the community, and if he still needs a space in his life to be Christine from time to time that he still has friends who are willing to share that time with him. He may not know it yet, but I would guess that time will come soon.

Well, enough of that serious stuff. I hope that everyone out there is doing well as we move into the Holiday season. Remember your friends out there this time of year. For many in our community, this may be a very difficult time for them. They may have been rejected by friends and family, and may be spending the Holidays alone. Make sure you are keeping in touch and letting them know they are loved and have friends out here. Don’t let the time go by without reaching out to check in, say hi, lend support. We don’t want anyone being alone through this time of year, or any time of year for that matter. If  you haven’t heard from someone in a while, reach out to them to see how they are doing, let them know they are not alone. Have a happy Halloween everyone! I’m going in drag this year: I’ll be a male pirate! next year I will get to have more fun with costumes! Have fun, be safe, and talk to you soon!

Relief- Coming out

I had been planning to come out to my mother today for some time now. As I mentioned before, I was quite nervous about this process, as I think many of us are. We fear losing those who we love, losing the connections we have built up over a life time, losing support during a time when we need it the most, in short, we fear rejection. This fear is renewed with each time we come out to someone else.

For me, coming out to my mother caused me so much fear. In the back of my mind I knew that I would never lose her love and acceptance, but, still, I feared for the worse. As this week went by, with her here visiting, I found it hard to hide the fact that I had something substantial on my mind. I could see it in her eyes that she knew I had something I needed to talk about. It began to eat me up. 

Last night, as I went to bed, my spouse asked me how I planned to go about coming out to my mom on Sunday. I was not sure if Sunday would be the right day. I told my spouse that I would do it on Monday.  Today came. We had fun with the girls in the morning, including a water balloon fight in which my mom and I both got soaked by little ones. After that I had some homework to do for school. I was also not feeling well. The stress of not talking to my mom was beginning to eat at me, and make me physically ill.  I managed to work my way through my reading, and then I curled up and I cried. With my face in my pillow I cried in my room until my spouse came in. I told her that I could not wait any longer and asked her to go get my mom.

She did, asking my mom to come upstairs for a minute. Then she gave the reassuring words of,”Be strong.” I don’t think she picked quite the right words before bringing my mom into our room. I was still in tears. After an long embrace, and reassuring my mom first that I was not dying, I explained to her what I have felt and known my whole life and that I was trans. She responded with love and support, concern and reassurance that her love for me would never change. We talked, we laughed, we cried a lot. We talked about hormones, transition, and what the future holds. Later we pulled my step father aside and I came out to him. Again I received words of love, understanding, and support.

A massive weight was lifted from my shoulder today. I received such unconditional love and support from some of the people from whom I value that kind of love and support from. I realized that I have to trust my gut instinct, that I know the people around me so very well. I have formed deep, loving, and trusting relationships with my close family and friends. These are relationship that transcend gender. We accept each other no matter what.

I sit her tonight so grateful for those I have around me, my spouse, my family, my friends. I have many more people to come out to in the future, but the future is a little brighter, a little easier to negotiate with each positive and supportive reaction. This is a difficult journey that we all make, it is one that is filled with so many unknowns. We never really know what lies ahead, how people will react, or what each day will hold. We push ahead anyway, we risk losing it all to become who we truly are inside, to bring our presentation into alignment with the person we are on the inside. We would not take these risks is this were not so vitally important to our living a meaningful and happy life. These are necessary steps. 

I took a risk today, even though it was one I was sure was not a huge risk, and I stepped away from it with the ability to be more honest and true with my mother than I have even been able to be. Her love is so important to me, and I love her so much. Thank you mom for being you and being my mom! And finally and thank you to my friends out there who voiced their support or silently kept me in their thoughts, you are all amazing and I love you all.

Friends

Today marked a special day for me. It was six months ago today that I first met two very important friends of mine, Tiana and Karen. I met these two wonderful women just a few short weeks after I came out to my wife. I had reached out to a local trans group, and I was put in touch in Karen and Tiana. We made arrangements to meet over lunch.

This was a very emotional time for me. I had recently come out to my spouse, and this was the first time I was dealing with my gender identity issues head on. I nervously met Karen and Tiana, in some respects unsure of myself, in other respects just wondering if I was really ready to be taking steps down the path to transition. I knew that in order to make this journey, I needed friends, I needed people who were making the same journey. I knew that from such friends, I could find understanding, support, and advice. 

I found all that in these two very special women. Over lunch, I shared my story and some of my worries. They reassured me that I was not alone, and they helped me to finally feel that I was not alone. Despite the fact that I was sick with a bad cold, I left that lunch feeling so much relief and so much hope. Too bad I ended up with bronchitis shortly there after! I had been working six day weeks for a while with little or no rest during a the stressful first weeks of coming out to myself and beginning my journey of self discover, so I think everything just got to me and my body said,”Ok enough! Give me a rest so I can process all of this!.”

Anyway, over the next few weeks and months, I found that Karen and Tiana were true friends. The encouraged me when I was unsure, and they accompanied me on my first night on the town. They helped me find my courage to proceed full steam ahead into my transition. I admire them and their journeys, and I am so grateful that they are a part of my journey.

This week, Tiana had called me to see about getting together for lunch. We do this every few weeks, and it is something I look forward to. Plans don’t always work out when work gets in the way. This week, we talked about meeting earlier in the week. I would have to juggle a few things around, by we set a time and a day. Tiana called Karen to invite her. Apparently wheels started turning for Karen, and I got a call later in the day from Tiana asking if Friday would work instead of Wednesday. I said sure, in fact, Friday would work better. Little did I know, Karen realized that it was just about six months since we all met. She looked up her receipt from that first lunch, and confirmed that Friday would be exactly six months. She and Tiana conspired to change the lunch date to match that six month anniversary, and picked the same location as that first lunch.

In the back of my mind, I think I was thinking the same thing. I realized that the restaurant was the same that we first had lunch at, and that I had not been there since that first meeting. I couldn’t remember the exact date, but I knew it was close to six months or so since we had all met. It seemed like just yesterday, and yet it feels like I have come so far in my journey since then.

As we sat down to lunch, Karen and Tiana announced their reason for the date and the location. I was so surprised that they remembered. I was left essentially speechless, about to cry if I said a word. They gave me a card in recognition of our friendship. There was so much I wanted to say, but could not for the fact that I would have just started crying. Hormones certainly do things to emotions! 

I am so appreciative of them, I am sure that they will read this. Thank you Tiana and Karen, you two are true friends! For those of you who may just be starting on your journey of transition, reach out to the community. There are so many wonderful girls out there willing to share their stories, lend their support, and be friends. There is this kind of unofficial big sister thing that happens in this community. It is amazing. It helped me build the courage that I needed to take those first tentative steps in my transition. If it was not for their support and friendship, I might have taken a little longer to get started moving forward. 

Today, I move forward confidently, finding a new found joy for life as I become the women that I have always been on the inside. I find friendships to be more important, and the connections to be on a whole different level than those I have experienced before. I think part of this is because I can finally share who I really am, and be who I am. There is no need to go down this road alone, there is no reason to feel isolated, you are not alone. There are so many of us, so many willing to reach out a hand, give support, give encouragement, and just be friends. 

To all the other wonderful women I have met since then, thank you to all of you as well. You all have stories that inspire me and encourage me. I have so much admiration for all of you, and feel so privileged to have gotten to know or to be beginning to know all of you. I know, for the first time in my life, that I am not alone, that I am in the company of so many amazing people taking so many amazing journeys, displaying amazing courage, and just plain being amazing friends. Thank you!