Where have I been?

To say I have not posted much recently would probably be an severe understatement. I was going along so great with my blog. I was posting on a regular basis, keeping things going, really feeling into it. Then, I went full time, work went super busy, and life just plain got in the way. It was like I no longer had anything significant to say anymore. I was too bust living life to stop and write about it. I also think I began to feel that sitting here writing about what I was doing and what was going through my mind was almost like an exercise in narcissism. I began writing a few posts, and, after rereading, lost interest in them.

They were just too mundane and boring. Boring to me at least. It’s not that I lost interest in writing, it’s just that I lost interest in writing about every little thing that I did. It became clear to me that I no longer cared to write about the details of my transition, my feelings in certain situations, or what the next steps are for me. I just plain lost interest in that.

So, I sit here tonight trying to figure out where I am going with this. Is this a worthwhile endeavor for me? I feel that it is, but what is it I want to say here. I have always felt that my most satisfying posts were those that focused on issues. My all time favorite being the post I wrote about medical benefits for trans people. That was a post and a topic that are still near and dear to my heart.

This was brought home even more by the fact that I have three friends who just underwent GRS, and used three different methods to finance their surgeries. One cashed out retirement funds, another took equity out of her home, and a third will be covered by insurance. What these three stories show is that we are finding any way that we can to pay for transition related expenses. How many of us have maxed out our credit cards for hormones, hair removal, or surgeries. How many still are struggling to figure out how to pay for all of this. The person who is covered by insurance likely would not have been able to get GRS if it were not for coverage recently added by her employer. In fact, she was a scheduled for an orchi when the benefits were announced. She was pretty much resigned to the fact that surgery was just a pipe dream.

So many of us are in that boat. We reach a point in transition where we just cannot afford any more. Where does this leave us? What of the broken dreams of fully aligning our bodies with our minds? The fight needs to continue. We need to continue to expand health coverage for transition related medical expenses. Of course it is a hard sell right now. Not only are we hurting in this economy, but so are many of the employers we work for.

So many times, trans health benefits are carried only by companies that self insure. What exactly does that mean? Well, it means that if an employee takes advantage of let’s say GRS, the surgery is not paid by the insurance company. Rather the employer pays for it through the insurance company. In other words, the insurance company acts merely as a middle man in the transaction, accepting the claims, evaluating them, ensuring they meet the guidelines, and then making payments.

Unfortunately, so many times that benefits are also not paid until after the procedure. What does this mean for us? Well, if we don’t have $20K to pay for surgery, we likely do not have $20K to pay up front and wait for reimbursement from the insurance company. There needs to be better benefits coordination when those benefits do exist. The whole purpose of medical transition benefits is to remove financial barriers to transition. In many instances, these benefits do not remove the barrier, but rather jut changes the barrier.

I would also say that the surgeons need to become more flexible when it comes to insurance coverage. There operate on a cash up front basis, and often are not willing to wait for an insurance company to pay after the surgery has been performed. Essentially, we are forced to pay for the goods before we receive them. And, what choice do we have? There are so few doctors that perform the surgery, so they set the rules. No cash up front, no GRS. In many ways, they help maintain the financial barriers to surgery.

There is a long way to go to fully remove the economic barriers to transition. Medical benefits for transition should be universal, plus there needs to be ENDA in place to help ensure we can keep our jobs so that we can have benefits to help pay for transition related medical expenses. There is a lot of work to be done in both of those areas.

Now, as for my blog, where is it going. I’m not sure right now. It may become more issue focused, exploring the many issues that we all face, with brief glimpses of what is actually going on in my life. I really don’t think it will be the diary/journal it was before. I have move past that in many ways. But, I will forge on, trying to keep this going.

OK, a few quick updates. Work is still going fabulously well. The fact that I am trans is a non-issue, almost never comes up, and nobody treat me any differently. I’m working my butt of in my manager training program so I can get my own branch next month, which is very exciting, and a hell of a lot of work. I am actually managing two branches this month, and doing it well. Oh yeah, speaking of surgery, I am scheduled for my GRS next July in Trinidad. Hoping insurance coverage at my company will be worked out more by then, I cannot exactly put up the money up front and wait for reimbursement, but we shall see. Other than that, I am just enjoying life, though I am really trying to figure out a few things, ad figure out more about who I am. I neglected myself for so long, that I need to get out and finally enjoy being me. It’s time to relax, let down my hair(now that I have hair to let down), and have some fun!

I’ll try and check back in more regularly, but no promises here!

Benefit screening of “Trinidad”

TRINIDAD will be screening in downtown Austin at the Alamo Ritz January 4th:

PLEASE PURCHASE YOU TICKETS IN ADVANCE SO WE GET THE BIGGER THEATRE!! PLEASE!

for advance ticket sales:
http://www.originalalamo.com/Show.aspx?id=6038

Date: Sunday Jan 4th 2009
Time: 5 pm*, 7:30 pm
venue: Alamo Ritz Drafthouse Cinema
320 E 6th Street
Austin, TX 78701

special guest Sabrina Taraboletti and filmmaker PJ Raval in attendance!

*the 5pm show will be a special benefit screening for TENT -Transgender Education Network Texas (www.tentex.org). All tickets sales will be donated to TENT so even if you can’t attend or live outside of Austin please consider purchasing a ticket online to support TENT.

please mark your calendars and spread the word!

also feel free to visit our website and sign up for email updates:
trinidadthemovie.com

of visit us on facebook:
http://www.new.facebook.com/pages/TRINIDAD/9953888935

“Though Trinidad is a small town, it’s emblematic of the world at large. In this documentary, three main characters make different choices in a society struggling to accept them. The universal themes and the compelling narrative quality of the film make it a must-see.” – Ellen Huang GLAAD/Queer Lounge

“TRINIDAD succeeds in presenting the materials for a better understanding of transsexual people and stands to be very instrumental in making the world outside of Trinidad, Colorado a safer place for them to live.” – Film Threat

Just another day

Today was, well, just another day. There are more of these lately, more than I have had in quite a long time. What exactly is just another day? Well, I guess you can say its a day when I am just content with the direction in which my life is going. There is not depression like I felt during the years of repression(sorry bad unintentional rhyme), no hormone induced emotional roller coaster, just me being happy looking forward to the future, but content with the present.

I reflected a few times on the important step that Nikki and Breanna took yesterday when they went full time, living as their true selves 24/7. Everything seemed to go very well for them, and I am so excited for them. in a way it really helps me to realize that in the end everything will be ok. This is not to say that the road will be easy. I know there will be difficult times, many of which are behind me, but many of which still lay on the road ahead. Whatever the future holds, I am content that the day will come when I can finally live as my true self. 

For now, I am learning to finally enjoy the simple things in life. To finally be able to take one day at a time, and to experience life. For so many years, I let life pass me by. I could not savor it. I was too wrapped up in hiding from myself, hiding myself from the world, afraid of revealing myself. These days, I live with less of that fear. I wouldn’t even really call it fear anymore. In fact, many times I have to hold myself back from telling people. 

Last Friday, the day after I had gone out to see Trinidad, I had to hold myself back from talking to my employees about the evening I had. I had enjoyed that evening out so much, that I wanted to share it. Instead, I just smiled to myself, realizing that the evening before had been so much fun and the time would come when I would be able to openly share my life and the things that I do. For now, I share the moments with my friends and family who know who I really am. 

While today was just another week, the next few days hold the promise of some fun. The Out & Equal Workplace Summit comes to Austin this week, and with it a few of the contacts I have been speaking with inside my company. Tomorrow I get the chance to meet them face to face. It will be nice to finally meet someone else who has transitioned at the same company, and who has become a great support to me. Because of timing issues, I may have to go in boy mode, but we should be able to plan some other activities later in the week that will allow me to go out as myself. I look forward to that. I hope a few ordinary days will flow into a few extraordinary ones. 

An ordinary day is refreshing, especially in light of all the dark days I have left behind. To Nikki and Breanna, I wish you both many ordinary days, where you can finally just enjoy being you without all the conflict of the past! I look forward to joining you in having those kinds of ordinary days. For now, I will be content with knowing that I am, for the first time in my life, on the right path.

Trinidad

Last night, the documentary, Trinidad, was shown as part of the Austin Gay and Lesbian International Film Festival. We organized a group to go to dinner and see the film through TENTex. Prior to the film, we met up at the Spaghetti Warehouse. If you visit the Austin area, this is likely a restaurant you may want to skip. It is located right in the Warehouse district, and is reasonably priced, but it not the best Italian food in the world. Fortunately, the company was much better than the food. I don’t want to complain too much about the food, since it is a restaurant with ample space and reasonable enough to accommodate everyones budget. Dinner gave me the opportunity to meet a few people who I had not had a chance to meet, so for this it was a wonderful meal. I elected for the chicken alfredo, which was not really very tasty, but I was hungry, so it served a purpose. 

After dinner, a few of us rushed ahead to the theater to make sure we got tickets for everyone, unfortunately you could not buy tickets in advance. The theater, which we were told was just a few blocks away ended up being six or seven blocks away. Half way through this walk, I figured out that my shoes, which I had only worn once before, were starting to rub on my toes. It ended up being a bit of a painful walk, not to mention I was going to have to walk this distance back to my car at the end of the evening.

Anyway, we got the theater only to find a very long line in front. This is not your average metroplex with 500 screens. It only has two screens and is an Alamo Draft House cinema. For those of you not familiar with Alamo Draft house, these are theaters in which there is full service dinning during the film, and yes that included beer, wine, and mixed drinks. Because there are tables at each row of seating, the theater probably only hold half of what a similarly sized theater will hold. When we got the front of the line, we realized the theater was going to be packed. I had to wait while they tried to figure out how many seat were left. In order to keep our group together, which numbered 15 or so, we had to sit in the front row. You know, the row where you are looking almost straight up to see the film. The last time I sat in that row was when I was ten years old and went to see Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom with my best friend. Again those were the only seats left for us.

Were were very fortunate to at least get seats where we could all sit together. Once seated, we were introduced to the directors of the fild, PJ Raval and Jay Hodges. These are two local film makers, so even though the film was about Trinidad, Colorado, it was really kind of an Austin film, which is pretty cool.

For those of you who have not heard of the film, Trinidad is about Trinidad, Colorado, and follows not only Dr. Mari Bowers, but also two other trans women, and takes a look at the setting in which Dr. Biber began his practice, and the setting in which Dr. Bowers continues his work. One of the reasons the directors chose this location and this particular surgeon was the apparent dichotomy of GRS being done in what is essentially a frontier town. 

Trinidad has a population of approximately 9,000 souls, and is very much still a part of the wild west. It is not unlike many towns you would find in West Texas. For those of you who have never ventured into West Texas, let me tell you it is probably not the most LGBT friendly part of the state, and is probably very fundamentalist is their view points. It was interesting to see in the film that despite the apparent similarities to such areas, Trinidad is really a very accepting place. When you get past all the churches and pick-up trucks, you find a town that is really at ease with the idea that Trinidad is considered such a special place for many in the transgender community.

One thing I had a difficult time with the in film was the fact that some considered Trinidad to be a kind of spiritual center for the transsexual community. This view just did not sit well with me. I can understand and appreciate the importance that this location plays in the lives of trans women who had had their GRS performed in Trinidad. This is not small even in the lives of these women. But, to say that it is more important than other locations where GRS is being performed really, to me, minimizes the importance of those other surgeons and locations to the women who travel there to have their GRS performed. I tend to take the point of view that the trans community is extremely diverse, and when we place a value on one path to transition or one surgeon over other, we minimize the experience of those women who have chosen a different path or a different physician.

Anyway, back to the film. The film also followed two trans women who planned to open a recovery center for women having their GRS performed by Dr Bowers. These women liquidated what they had, and planned to renovate a house and open it as a recovery house within six months. The renovations ended up stretching out over a year. During the course of that time, I sensed this real resentment that Dr Bowers was not helping to fund the renovation and help open the house. 

This resentment really bothered me. The project, at least to my knowledge, was not started because Dr Bowers asked them to do it. Instead, it felt as though these women wanted to be a part of Dr Bowers success, and expected her to embrace their efforts fully and support them in their efforts. There were several things that went wrong along the way, and I can completely understand Dr Bowers not getting financially involved in the project. 

Overall, I really enjoyed the film. I am still mulling over many aspects of it, and considering much of what I saw and learned. It is thought provoking. Not only does it make one consider the journey of transition, but it also makes you consider the idea that not everyone is as they may appear. Just as we ask that people not judge us for being trans, we have to realize that we cannot judge everyone else on how they appear. Trinidad, CO may appear from a distance to be a town that would not be accepting of the transgender community, and would be an unlikely place for GRS surgery to be occuring. Yet, the town supported Dr Biber when he was alive, and they welcomed Dr Bowers into the community to continue Dr Biber’s work. Dr Bowers continues her work in, of all places, a Catholic hospital in a town on the edge of civilization. 

I may write more about this film later, as I reflect more on the film, the issues present in the film, and the people involved. This film really touches on many aspects of transition, family, children, acceptance, employment, prejudice, and the journey of self acceptance. If you have a chance to catch a screening I would highly recommend it. 

After the film, I got a chance to go out with some friends to a bar across the street. This was an opportunity to talk more about transition and just spend time with some good friends. One topic that came up was about comfort, and being comfortable in a new gender role. This is an important topic to me and I will talk about it in my next post, so I won’t go into too much detail here.

One last thing I do have to mention, mostly because I am sure Tiana is dying for me to write about it. Last night I got hit on for the first time. As we walked into the bar, I was approached by a guy who asked me if I was 21. I said that I was. He then asked if I was really 21, and flashed a badge. I again said that I was over 21. He said we wanted me to step to the back of the bar with him. I asked him to se his badge again, he then used the line he was working his way up to. He asked me to step to the back of the bar and ,”Put you legs behind your head.” Obviously a seriously bad way to pick up on a woman, but flattering none the less. We laughed and and pleasantly declined. I think I left that interaction bright red and with a big smile on my face. Tiana teased me about it the rest of the evening. It was certainly flattering, and very much a confidence booster. Having at one time wondered if I would ever pass to being hit on in a regular bar was definitely something that boosted my confidence. And this happened well before midnight, so the guy was not even drunk yet!

All in all this was a wonderful evening and just nice to be able to go out in the middle of the week. unfortunately I am going to be missing out on some media training being given by GLADD this weekend. I was really hoping to be able to make that, but it was not in the cards this week. I hope they will offer this training again in the near future. Hope the rest of you had a great week and have a great weekend!